Back at the therapist office. I still don’t know how I feel about this. I feel weird going, driving there, and waiting to see her. I thought I was going to be late- traffic to the other side of the city was heavy, but I got there. No music this time. The TV was off or maybe someone else lost their mind and broke the DVD. I managed to get up and read the information of Mood Disorders. It was interesting but made me sad as I picked out the things that I have been feeling and thinking. When we get in the office (and yes there is a couch- and you know because I have a weird sense of humour I said I am not laying down on it- she laughed, I figured that was a good sign, she could laugh) She asked how I was, I told her I was uncomfortable being there and I see talking to her as a sign of weakness in character. She gave me her sad puppy dog look and told me she understands. I told her that was easy for her to say she understands, because she gets to sit in a chair not on a couch. She commented, that I did come back so I can’t feel that uncomfortable. Darn she caught me in a line. We continued to get to know each other discuss work, teen years, family, depression, then after 45 minutes of chatting and answering a thousand more questions, she gave me home work to do and sent me on my way. I drove home in a fog. Maybe my pride is getting in the way Maybe I am vain, but I felt depressed all the way home.
So for the past 36 hours I have been wondering why this bothers me so much. Why I would never admit this to people I know, and not even want to discuss with my closest friends, who have been my support through all of this. Part of this has to do with social conditioning. ( here comes my college sociology and psychology courses into play– who knew they would be useful) When you think about TV, sitcoms, cartoons, movies, they always portray the flighty one, the inadequate one, or the untrustworthy one as the one who has mental issues and goes to a therapist. Think about it for a minute. Goldie Hawn comes to mind in all the silly movies she has been in. Think of every time a therapist is brought into a movie how is the person who needs them, portrayed.
I guess this is my blockage in getting past. This is the stereo type and negative image I have of this. I think people will think less of me, not trust me, not consider me worth getting to know. When I look back at my first blogs I believe this is what I said about depression in the first place. I guess I am my own worst enemy.
But above all that, the real question is; and let’s be honest – the real question is not what my prejudices are but Do I need this. I am feeling for the most part good. A few little downers this week but nothing I can’t talk myself out of. Eating a bit of an issue but still trying. I find a couple of nights I sleep, a couple of nights I didn’t which makes it tough when you are tired. I think back two weeks or so ago and think about how I felt and the pressing loneliness and I needed someone to talk to and the refusal to eat or associate with people, and sadness. I need this. I need to lay the ground work while I am feeling good and see what tomorrow brings. Maybe I will not need it. Maybe I will be delivered from this depression. Maybe tomorrow I fall on my face of in a hole of despair but in the mean time I will purse this and do my homework and show up next week.
Lord I know you are with me every step of the way Yes you are the creator of everything. Of me and all I have ever seen dreamt about or could imagine. So Lord I thank you for all the good gifts you give me. I thank you for the challenges in my life, you are always there to hold my hand and send me those who I need to help me. I am not worthy of this Grace and Love and Protection but you do love me and give me all these gifts as you would any of your children. Thank you, my Heavenly Father Amen