Sunday night. I am not fond of Sunday nights. It is a transition from fun weekend to work week. I have a particularly busy week with tons of apts and a presentation meeting, and as Murphy’s Law would have it – they land all in the same week. It will be a bad diet week. I will not have a lot of time to make supper let alone eat it. I have put on 5 lbs. I saw my Mother today who is very happy that I look better, from the last time I saw her. She said I was losing my good looks and my face was getting too thin– I love my Mom – so encouraging- actually I really do love my Mom, she has a way with words. I really think she thought I had some life threatening disease cause she told me she has been worrying about me. I don`t want to do that, I don`t want her to worry, I love my Mom dearly, but I can`t tell her what has been happening in my life.
I had a reunion with my Dad`s side of the family. My Aunt and Uncles avoid telling stories about my Dad, even though its been 15 years since he passed. I don`t know if it is because they don`t want to cause us pain or they are still dealing with the death of their brother. My Dad was the only one who has passed in that family- as far as my Aunt and Uncle`s siblings. We have this reunion in my little home town, in the same little hall every second Sunday in November. It’s around the corner from where my Dad is buried, so I go over every year and visit Dad, my grand parents and other long-lost relatives all in the same grave yard. It is sad but its nice being near him. To see his name in print and be close to the earthly remains of him. I usually go alone, today I had my Mom my daughter and husband with me. Mom was telling us stories of my Grandparents and Great Uncles there as well as other stories about my Dad. It was nice to hear the stories and see her laugh at the silly things they did.
Family is a funny thing. You feel so tied to them and as you get older, you hold on to those ties, because they represent who I am. Maybe I feel that way because I now live in the city and I was raised in the country. Not all family is created equal. I have an Aunt who drives me crazy but we put up with her. I guess I am being sentimental about Family because I have no real connections with my husband’s family. I get along with his brother, but his Mother! It is a never-ending battle with her. I can never do anything right and now it seems that I am in the dumpster again. She tore a strip off me this week, again!.
I know this blog is to be about depression and it is my journey, this but this relationship is another part of some of the stresses I feel in my life. One of the reasons I am running away for Christmas has to do with my Mother-in-law. She doesn`t know what I have been through. I don`t believe I can tell her. She is very demanding and it seems the older she gets the more hurtful she is. Last Christmas when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me she raked me over the coals. I can not face her this year and I am not making alternate arrangements to spend time with her and after the hurtful things she said to me in the past few days. I am releaved to be in Mexico for a week.
So how does this effect my depression well it doesn`t help. I have been slipping slowly all week. I was feeling so good and the sadness and loneliness has been stealthy creeping in. My depression, except for the panic attack last month seems to be more of loneliness, and sadness. It starts with a feeling like I want to cry but can`t cry to release it. Slowly the feeling just grows, turns into loneliness and sadness. I do not feel the shadow of darkness surrounding me, I do not fall in a hole. I fight it and fight it but after a while it wears me out.
This week I have my second therapist apt. and I have a very busy busy week, maybe being busy is what will help distract me.
God I know this is a journey, I know that you are my Lord my Father. Thank you for the Good Man you gave me as a my earthly Father. Even though I feel like I have been short-changed in the length of time I had him as my Father. I am blessed. And I know you Blessed me with a wonderful man, and I received more love from him in the 31 years I had, then most people get from a full life time of with their Fathers. Thank you for him Thank you for being my Father Dear Lord. Lord I have such disdain from my Mother-in-law, forgive me Dear God Please forgive me in the name of Jesus. You created her and love her and she is your child. Help me to love her, and forgive her. I can not do this on my own but with your help I can be a good Daughter-in-law and I ask for your Grace and help. Lord I know you are never away from me but I ask that you keep close to me as I go though this time, lead me on this journey and show me your ways. In the name of your son Jesus I give all these things, my heart my soul my life in your hands Amen.