IDK


End if a long week.  I have been so aggravated the last couple of days.  My temper has no fuse.  My temper and aggravation says ‘why the heck are people such a pain in the butt!’   Everything is so loud, why do people have to speak so loud talk so loud,  Why do people think that they have to always be around you and never let you be alone.  I am tired of people. I don’t want to be around crowds, make small talk, smile. I hate trying to fake fun.

What do I really want.  I want to talk to someone. I want to say what is going on in my head with out someone trying to fix it. I want no suggestions of how I can be better. I just want to unload the things that bother me and depress me.  Maybe that isn’t even it.   I have been under a lot of stress lately.  My Mother was sick and my brother and his wife when to help and no one said anything to me.  I was angry about that one.  I live far away, so they didn’t think I needed to know. grrrrrrr I am an hour and 40 minutes I have my own car, I drive I could have been there.  I came clean and told everything to Mom about the doctors and apt now she doesn’t want to burden me.  This makes me more burdened than anything. I have a lot of work I am doing at work and its all good. I have a 16-year-old daughter who I have been butting heads with lately just thinking about it makes my aggregation boil.  I truly want to run away,  I desire quiet today I desire no demands today.

This pain is here today like a weight in my heart. I want to hide in my room and just be – blink at the sky out my bedroom window and be.

I am turmoil I don’t know what I want.

I believe God is taking care of me I believe God is good and will be there for me, but my pain is not dull today. So Lord be close to me and keep me safe, forgive my distraction from faith Forgive me for half heartedly believing in you. you are Great Praise God. Amen

till next time

.

Family


In my previous blog I wrote about: yes I get why Jesus told us to forgive so many times, cause we will need every one of them when dealing with family. I am sad tonight, my Mother is angry with me, because I am angry with my brother. I came clean with her and told her that I am on medication for depression and that I am maxed out on them and I have an apt next month with a Psychiatrist.  I told her the depths of the depression and how I have been suffering.  Actually tonight I feel ashamed about it.  Part of the reason I told her was I wanted her to realize that I have been suffering, part because my brother may be blind but I am tired of trying to hold things together and I can’t be responsible for the family any more.

When my Dad was killed 16 years ago I figured that I was the youngest I had a 4 month old baby and a 3-year-old, I would grieve for me.  I don’t mean that in a selfish way.  I had two older brothers they looked after things, I was never asked an opinion for most of my life I never gave one.  The day after my Dad was killed my Mother turned to me and leaned on me for everything.  I bought the shirt my Dad was buried in.  I helped her make the arrangements.  I slept with her for a week.  I handled the phone calls, the people bringing food to the door, I did it all.  I do not begrudge any of this.  I supported my Mother and will do so for the rest of her life.  I  am sorry for the fact that my brother became blind for a birth defect that slowly took his sight. It truly was a fluke. I just can’t take rudeness, and abuse anymore for his anger for being blind – but he could take some responsibility for himself and get a job instead of living off disability.  God did not put him on this earth to sit at home and be an arm chair critic.  I have tried to convince him to move on.  Found all kinds of places he could be useful in life, organizations he could be come involved with. Tried, begged,logically and pulled out the big card “Dad would be object to this” for him to become involved again with church.  He lives in Kitchener— the land of Lutheran church’s.  He has no excuse for not going.

I tell all this, not because I am bragging.  I am no hero.   It all makes me sad, ashamed, responsible.  This illness has effected my extended family. I have no patience for my brother.  My other brother that doesn’t speak to us, because of me, wants nothing to do with me or his daughter.  I felt ashamed to admit what I had been going through to Mom because I am her rock and now I am gravel.  I am sure she must think – Now what, who can I rely on.

I know God has a plan.  I know God gave us all free will, I know God has given me a family through my friends and their kids.  My best friends, my camping group.  That gives me 4 sisters 4 brothers and 10 kids. I am blessed, I know that .  I guess I have never gone through the grieving process for my brothers, for the loss of my family.  That sounds dramatic.  I don’t mean to sound that way.  It isn’t that way.  But here is how it goes in my family.  My brother who lives in my home town, who doesn’t speak to me, is friends with my cousins.  My cousins don’t do anything with us in the big city cause my brother lives in the town- if you know what I mean.  over 12 years of this stupidity.  I may work in a highschool – but my one brother lives it.

Anyways enough of the explanations.  Bottom line – I am the one who is supposed to hold the family together and tonight I spilled the beans and admitted all my short cumming to my Mom.  Maybe its all in my mind….that is what you could be saying– but you didn’t hear her voice.

 

till next time…………….

70 X 7


Family can stress the heck out of you.  I am sorry but I just have to vent this.  I try to do so much for my family.  My brother is blind and I try to make up the difference.  If I can’t do i,t my Mom does, or my husband does.  Lately my brother has been a total ass, for lack of a better word.  My Mom has no one to help her — it’s all me.  One brother is blind, one doesn’t talk to her ( another long stupid story ) So it’s up to me. When she moved off the farm it was me, who lugged everything off the farm — spent most of the summer at either the Stratford or Mitchell dump.  I did it all.  I am not looking for pity or am I whining,  I would gladly do anything for my Mom.  I love her to pieces.  But I can not stand the treatment from my brother I have had lately.  One doesn’t talk to me, and today I wish the other one would not either.

What ever happened to common curtsey.  What ever happened to getting along, and mellowing out as you get older.  What ever happened to families helping each other out and being there for one another.  Brothers in my family the older they get the crankier they get and it just infuriates me.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant  Matthew 18 21-22

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seven times seventy.[a]

Today I feel like I am at 80 X 7 . I feel like all I do is forgive my family.  I guess my pride wants some recognition that I have been done wrong.  That I am hurt, and they did it and not that they will think they are wrong.

Family — it can drive you insane– which is funny when you think about it– as this is a blog about depression…. really it is kinda—-

I am just hurt, and angry and I know I will have to forgive– I am just not ready yet.

till next time………………

Happy New Year 2012


Hola.  A week on vacation is never enough- We spent a week in Mexico and it was wonderful.  The sun, sand, time away, all good and peaceful for the soul.  Every morning we would wake to drink our coffee watching the birds and feeling the ever-increasing heat and it warmed my soul as well as my body.  God blessed me with a wash of peace.  I could feel it come over me like a comforting blanket, and lifted my spirits.  The ghosts of Christmas past did not follow me, they stayed in the past where they belonged- it was my greatest fear. I think for me the pain of the previous year frightened me into believing that I could replay or feel them all over again.  That was a lie that the darkness wanted me to believe.  The darkness wanted me to believe that the Birth or our Saviour wasn’t important and I would associate this celebration with pain, not a promise of light.  Jesus‘ birth this year became more to me than any family celebration I have ever had.   We bought no presents, we planned this expensive vacation to get away, and in some ways I was worried I was running away.  It concerned me because next year we would not be able to run away and what then?  Will the darkness find me and sink me down?  The devil knew all the buttons to push.

Here is what happened.  We stepped out of the commercialism, family ritual, expectations of people and left. Sounds like running away- but we just took a break.  What filled those holes.  Love.  We spent time as an individual family, just our kids, just us as a married couple, and reconnected.  We walked away from family problems, personalities and we all have those in our extended families.  We returned and spent two days with dear friends, and connected with them.  New Years Day I am sitting at my table with my friends for dinner, we had our close friends for New Years Eve and the day was our camping friends, and my thoughts were very much on my friends who I couldn’t be with that day and I felt a wash of love, peace, and joy.  Why, cause we get along with friends than family?? Well that may be true partly, I think God was giving me a deeper meaning.  He has blessed my family with friends that are life long.  There is an old saying that says, it takes a village to raise a child.  I was sitting, thinking and being with my village.  My heart overflowed with joy, I was sipping from my saucer cause my cup over flow.

So what does that have to do with depression?  Ya it is easy to feel all warm when you’re at a resort that is all-inclusive and the tequilla was flowing, no wonder I felt all warm and fuzzy!! Yes true, but and its a big BUT. Depression strips away all you hold dear.  Your mind fails you and you feel you are alone, sad, isolated, unworthy, disappointment, failure, better off anywhere else, even death than to be where you are right now.  Depression is a long struggle between feeling good to resisting the sadness which try to seep in and steal your happiness.  There are good days like the past two weeks and there are bad days like previous, and some days your mind completely leaves you in a storm where you don’t know which way is up.  Then God gives you a present like I am feeling now.  Shows me that I am worthy, smart, loved, blessed and in His protection.

As the plane descended on Mexico I was still battling the ghosts of Christmas past, I prayed that God could protect me from the darkness and show me even more of his light and grace.  I kept my eyes focused on him and my family and I felt carried by God through our vacation and even back here in Canada.  As I return to routine I hope that I can continue on this level.  But the chemicals in my brain may not allow it in a week or two or more but in the mean time I prepare as always for the next storm by healing my wounds, coming and studying closer God’s love and creating a foundation that is build on rock and not on sand – to handle any storm!

Happy New Year and God’s Blessings

November Sunday Night


Sunday night.  I am not fond of Sunday nights.  It is a transition from fun weekend to work week.  I have a particularly busy week with tons of apts and a presentation meeting, and as Murphy’s Law would have it – they land all in the same week.  It will be a bad diet week. I will not have a lot of time to make supper let alone eat it.  I have put on 5 lbs.  I saw my Mother today who is very happy that I look better, from the last time I saw her. She said I was losing my good looks and my face was getting too thin– I love my Mom – so encouraging- actually I really do love my Mom, she has a way with words.   I really think she thought I had some life threatening disease cause she told me she has been worrying about me.  I don`t want to do that, I don`t want her to worry,  I love my Mom dearly,  but I can`t tell her what has been happening in my life.

I had a reunion with my Dad`s side of the family.  My Aunt and Uncles avoid telling stories about my Dad, even though its been 15 years since he passed.  I don`t know if it is because they don`t want to cause us pain or they are still dealing with the death of their brother.  My Dad was the only one who has passed in that family- as far as my Aunt and Uncle`s siblings.  We have this reunion in my little home town, in the same little hall every second Sunday in November.  It’s around the corner from where my Dad is buried, so I go over every year and visit Dad, my grand parents and other long-lost relatives all in the same grave yard.  It is sad but its nice being near him.  To see his name in print and be close to the earthly remains of him.  I usually go alone, today I had my Mom my daughter and husband with me.  Mom was telling us stories of my Grandparents and Great Uncles there as well as other stories about my Dad.  It was nice to hear the stories and see her laugh at the silly things they did.

Family is a funny thing.  You feel so tied to them and as you get older, you hold on to those ties, because they represent who I am.  Maybe I feel that way because I now live in the city and I was raised in the country.  Not all family is created equal.  I have an Aunt who drives me crazy but we put up with her.  I guess I am being sentimental about Family because I have no real connections with my husband’s family.  I get along with his brother, but his Mother! It is a never-ending battle with her.  I can never do anything right and now it seems that I am in the dumpster again.  She tore a strip off me this week, again!.

I know this blog is to be about depression and it is my journey, this but this relationship is another part of some of the stresses I feel in my life.  One of the reasons I am running away for Christmas has to do with my Mother-in-law.  She doesn`t know what I have been through.  I don`t believe I can tell her.  She is very demanding and it seems the older she gets the more hurtful she is.   Last Christmas when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me she raked me over the coals.  I can not face her this year and I am not making alternate arrangements to spend time with her and after the hurtful things she said to me in the past few days.  I am releaved  to be in Mexico for a week.

So how does this effect my depression well it doesn`t help.  I have been slipping slowly all week.  I was feeling so good and the sadness and loneliness has been stealthy creeping in.  My depression, except for the panic attack last month seems to be more of loneliness, and sadness.  It starts with a feeling like I want to cry but can`t cry to release it.  Slowly the feeling just grows, turns into loneliness and sadness.  I do not feel the shadow of darkness surrounding me, I do not fall in a hole.  I fight it and fight it but after a while it wears me out.

This week I have my second therapist apt. and I have a very busy busy week, maybe being busy is what will help distract me.

God I know this is a journey, I know that you are my Lord my Father.  Thank you for the Good Man you gave me as a my earthly Father.  Even though I feel like I have been short-changed in the length of time I had him as my Father.  I am blessed.  And I know you Blessed me with a wonderful man, and I received more love from him in the 31 years I had, then most people get from a full life time of with their Fathers.  Thank you for him Thank you for being my Father Dear Lord.  Lord I have such disdain from my Mother-in-law, forgive me Dear God Please forgive me in the name of Jesus.  You created her and love her and she is your child.  Help me to love her, and forgive her.  I can not do this on my own but with your help I can be a good Daughter-in-law and I ask for your Grace and help.  Lord I know you are never away from me but I ask that you keep close to me as I go though this time, lead me on this journey and show me your ways. In the name of your son Jesus I give all these things, my heart my soul my life in your hands Amen.

October: thinking of Christmas


I know — thinking of Christmas??? My family just booked a vacation to Mexico for Christmas break.  Just me my husband and kids.  No parents, in-laws, or any other family.  We will spend Christmas morning on a beach.  We have never done this and I am looking forward to the heat and break, and seeing the palm trees.  The last time I saw palm trees was 18 years ago.  So needless to say that I am looking forward to it.

A friend said to me “well you are going to miss the celebration of the birth of Jesus”  I said “ya but its something that everyone wants to do sometime take off for Christmas.”  Then the friend said ” True, but then again you were in a bad place last year you didn’t enjoy any of Christmas.”

I thought about last year, the breakdown I had, the deep depression I was in, the endless tears, fears, the darkness that surrounded me.  I hated Christmas last year.  Hate is a strong word but I was confused, I was scared, I truly thought I was going crazy.  When I sat in church and listened to the bible verses being read, it was like the they spoke another language.  I could not understand what they were saying.  On our Nativity night at the church where we dressed up as wise men etc. for the neighbourhood and sang christmas carols and read about the birth of Jesus, I was so angry that night.  To hear the elder read, made me want to put my hands over my ears and scream “Stop Stop, enough”.  I didn’t want to hear the good news of Jesus’ birth.  The lie had me convinced that I couldn’t believe it, and don’t listen to it.   That was last year.  This year when I had the discussion about my coming trip, I thought about Christmas Eve, how we would miss the evening candle light service; my favorite, and all the things we usually did to make Christmas special at home.  Then it hit me.  When we booked the trip and everything was said and done.  I was so relieved.  That was the feeling I felt.  Not excitement, not  “what an adventure”, I just felt relieved, like someone had taken a burden off my shoulders.  In my meditations this week it came to me;  Your running!  From what? From last year.  Last Christmas.

Running, I was in a lot of pain last year.  I suffered from panic attacks, deep depression, and paranoia.  I was being shadowed by darkness, in a way I had never experienced before, and it scared the crap out of me. This trip is going to take me away from all the usual events we do every year at Christmas.  Christmas Eve service and party at the neighbours.  Christmas day presents breakfast and coffee with kids and dinner with family.  Boxing day with the other side of the family.   December 27th is pajama day, no one gets dressed and lays around all day.  This year I was to host my side of the family Christmas and my in-laws on Boxing day.  Both events last year were very hard last year, I was so sad, and they thought I was being snobby.  They never figured that I was suffering from anything and I was too embarrassed to say anything.

So now what? What do I think of this revelation? I think its right.  I am running.  I can’t face the families, the services, the parties, the events that I couldn’t handle last year.  What am I afraid of?  I am better these days for the most part.  I have been feeling sad and lonely this week but nothing like before and I can talk myself out of it for the most part.  Being around a lot of people sometimes makes me anxious, but I am trying and sometimes I take my anxiety meds. or if I can, walk away and take a breather for a minute or two I can handle it.  Panic attacks are gone for the most part, the darkness seems to be leaving more and more.  Today it seemed closer but it’s still along way off.   I feel God is near me and I trust him completely to look after me.  I don’t feel crazy anymore.  I have adjusted to this illness and not so embarrassed anymore.  Does any of my extended family know-No but I will deal with that another time.  There are people you can tell you are going through depression, and there are people who don’t understand it at all, that is my extended family.  So ya I guess I am running.  I can’t face Christmas in Canada yet.  I can’t face family and Christmas church events yet.  The pain and brokeness from last year is too fresh.  I have come along way baby ( sorry couldn’t resist the line) but  in some ways I feel I haven’t come far enough.

So this year I will try to have some Christmas traditions in Mexico.  I am sure we can create some new ones and maybe we can find a church service on Christmas morning.  I think it maybe a time of healing and maybe next year I can cope better.

All with Gods help cause truly I can do nothing by myself. Through God there is healing. Through God there is hope.  Through God there is life.

Amen