in the beginning


I have been suffering from depression for apx  a year now.  I didn’t realize it at first.  Some days were great, some days I was sad. I would be angry and then ok again.  It wasn’t till November 2010 that I realized that I was not in a good place.  At first I thought that I was sad or angry because I was too busy.  I am a mother of two teens, I work full time, husband, house, I volunteer at church doing Sunday School music, I play in a worship band. I work out, run,  I thought it was burning a candle at both ends.  Some nights I didn’t sleep, some Saturdays I slept in the afternoons for hours. I got hot flashes in the night.  Ya menopause and all its glory was reaking havic on me.  I have been getting the hot flashes since my first child was born. He’s now 18.  They never really bothered me that much you just get used to them.  But then the emotional things started happening.  I would feel sad for days.  I started having a never ending dialog running through my head, about how I would handle some situation that really made me angry, sometimes how I would put someone in their place who disappointed me.  These dialogs ran on and on.  At one point I was out for a run and the angry voices in my head arguing over what my mother-in-law had said to me were so loud and making me so crazy; I physically stopped in my tracks and yelled out loud for the on going tape to “stop”, and turned around and ran in the other direction.  There were cars on the road they must have thought I had totally lost it, and I felt as if I had.  In my journals I wrote about searching for joy and peace and never finding it.  I could not figure out why.  Did I doubt God was there to look after me? Did I not see that he loved me more and more and I needed to cultivate this relationship and make it grow.  I was reading my bible, praying, meditating but I did not feel peace.

Then Christmas started to come near.  A time of year all Christians rejoice and enjoy peace on earth to all men.  I was just mad! Then my friends son committed suicide.  He was 22 a wonderful, funny, brilliant artist.  He grew up in a good home, good parents, great grades in high school, but suffered from depression, deeply, deeply.   He believed the lie presented to him in his mind.  I am unworthy, I m better dead, I am unable to go on one more day.  – – – – all lies – – – – – over 300 people came to his funeral. He was not unloved, he was loved.  But unlike what you see on TV when they talk about depression — people sitting staring out like they are spacey or something, but depression is not quiet.  It is not just sadness. There is a storm going on in your mind.  Dare I say voices? Your voice arguing with the demons that are in there wanting to convince you that you are worthless and no one cares, and you are nothing but a speck of sand.  The lies scream over and over and over they make you doubt everything you believe, they make you question your life your direction, the power of your God. You know that the storm is not right, and then you get scared.  What is happening to you? what will people think? You want to cry for help, but you can’t.  I belong to a church where I have people there to help me,people to talk to, my pastor and friend would listen to me counsel me but I am in a worship band, I sing and praise God in front of everyone, I lead Sunday School music.  If they know the depth of my illness the depth of my depression, they will think I am crazy- I am not crazy, I want to help people I want to be a useful member of church, my work place, my home.  But I am falling into a hole that swallows me up and I am not sure if I can get out of it.

Christmas was aweful.  I tried to make it best for the kids my husband, but I couldn’t stomach it.  I put 1/2 of the decorations up- I go nuts usually with decorations even in the washrooms. Not this year.  I couldn’t cook.  Praise the Lord for cooked chickens at Costco! and the 101 things you can do with it.  My Mother-on-law thought I was just being a snob, and called me a “poop!” cause she was disgusted with me.  I couldn’t tell her that I was in a dark hole the I was trying to get out of.  She already doesn’t like me I couldn’t give her another reason to think badly of me.  I struggled through.  And then I got better I felt happier for a while.   I am going to stop here in this journey for now.

I guess the point of this post is that as the realization hit, that I was going through some troubling times, God was near. I felt that I was alone from him.  I felt as if there was a cloud between us –but that was my own mind creating it, when I was at my most down He drew closer. But the lie likes to take these moment when God draws near and try to confuse you.  Its the lies  way of doing things, confuse, distract, hurt.   The more I felt down the more I meditated on Gods word and I felt relef, not peace but a little better.  Our God is  a Mighty God, and when I was lowest He showed me His Great love, and Grace that is so abounding , these simple words can’t not do it justice.  Just know He is there for the asking.  Ask and ye shall receive seek and ye shall find knock and the Lord will open the door.  You will find Him and the love, joy, and peace that goes with it.  More to come next time please come again and read.

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