October Dr appointment follow up; besides being painful, a flu shot, it was the first Doctor’s appointment that I did not get an increase or change in prescriptions.  I am reprieved for 3 months.  So based on my previous posts in the last weeks how did I do it.  I told her I was feeling much better.  Not a total lie, I am feeling better except for this latest dip.  I have been feeling very sad, lonely and wanting to isolate myself the past week  Been taking my anxiety pills and that has made some things better. I guess you can say I did lie to the Doctor, but for good reason.  Its only been a month since my new pills, and I do not want anymore.  I want 3 months to see how I am doing and adjust.  Most of the side effects are gone from starting a new pill.  I still get dizzy spells, a little shaking but I don’t want to mess with the drugs anymore for now.  We will see what the new year brings.  I gained a huge 2 lbs in the last month so the doctor is not happy, that and another reason not to see her till 3 months, tired of being told off.   I have taken a break from some of my church activities. To be honest I would like to take a break from church, my husband would never let me and the kids need to be there.  I am still playing in the band but I am taking a break from Sunday School Music till the new year and the prayer group.  I am frustrated and tired.  I have been fighting demons over the past few days and I cannot pray any more.  I am in need of sleep and some time alone to gather myself. As this week ends I am not sure if I am sad or tired of the daily struggle.

Is this a new aspect of depression or of the time of year.  I was talking to a friend about Christmas,  I realized I just can not do Christmas this year.  It will be hard enough to get the decorations up.  But it dawned on me how afraid of Christmas I am.   Maybe some of this stress is from in-laws who I have only seen twice since last Christmas.  I have a dinner to go to next month and I am paralyzed at the thought of going.  I feel like I am a bunch of knots inside.

Jesus says in John 14:  do not let your heart be troubled Trust God and trust also in me (Jesus).  but I fear, I tremble,  I am unsure, paranoid.  I hate the helpless feelings that come with the loneliness and brokeness.  John 14:6  Jesus says I am the way the truth and life.  I know these things I know them in my heart, and in my head and in my soul. God also says come all those who are weary, I am weary but I will trust God I will try to resist the lies that I do not need God, church, and friends to complete me.  But everyone depressed or not need these things.

So I again ask God to forgive me in my denial of him, Forgive me in my closing of my heart, Forgive me in my isolation, I need to be under Gods wing and protected from the evil one.  Lord help to hear my Shepard calling my name and finding this lost sheep.  Amen