A week later


Well its a week later since my doctor’s apt and 7 days into the new drugs.  I take one in the morning one at night.  Its been an adjustment.  Like when I started with the first one, things happen, the side effects come about and you deal with them.  I have had terrible shakes,then nothing, my heart at times pounds when I am doing nothing, gripping anxiety and ready to crawl out of my skin, I take my anti anxiety med and it calms down and I adventually stop wringing my hands and settle.  This morning I felt a little anxious on the way to church I did really well on the way to church and talked myself down.  The band was playing and I was looking forward to it, good songs, beautiful day.  I was great till I walked into the church.  It hit me like a attack.  I just felt like darkness rushed at me.  It was the strangest thing.  I started to shake, I could feel myself start to panic, I was dizzy, I was having trouble keeping my train of thought – which seems to be happening more these days.  I kept breathing deeply trying to feel calm, I was loosing it.  I took a anxiety med, it calmed a bit, but they were there. We played the first song warm up and then I insisted the band pray.  I asked the Holy Spirit to come to us and protect us I asked for God‘s blessing on us,  then we turned around and played.  The darkness tried to pull in close.  I just sang God’s words in the song and when I was not singing I kept saying ” I lift my eyes to the hills from where does my help come from, the maker of Heaven and Earth.”  By the end of the service I had pushed off the darkness that was taunting me.  I felt better and calmer and back on my game.  My daughter couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me she came up to me after church and wanted to know what was happening with me  her words”you were really bent out of shape what was with you” Can you hear the love.  I told her what was happening I got a hug and a” well your over it now.”  Such sympathy  😉

Its Sunday afternoon I am sitting in my back yard on a beautiful sunny day I am calm now.  I don’t know what happened this morning. What does all this mean? If this is a part of depression it is new to me.  I don’t feel sad, or down, or falling in a hole, I feel relatively ok.  a little closer to what me feels like- at this moment.  The swings of side effects, like before should level off as I get used to the new drug.  I still have no desire to eat and some of that is not wanting to eat either.  I like the weight I have lost, to be honest. And if I was really honest with you, its the darkness I don’t want to leave, which makes me confused. I am involved with helping with fund raising for the starving people in the horn of Africa and I am doing it on purpose to myself.  God is talking to me about this I am not listening all the time, but he is talking to me.

What concerned me the most about today is the rush of the darkness when I walked into the church.  These are things I felt when I was really down in a hole, its things I felt and saw when I was deep in the darkness. I am not in those places right now, I am not sad or hurting or in darkness, it did not engulf me, but the darkness at church it surrounded me, it taunted me, it rushed me and circled, it threw me off.   It is one thing for the darkness to try to push its thorns into yourself when you are down and venerable but when you are feeling mostly ok, maybe a little anxious, that threw me off.  Its hard to fight what is in your mind day after day.  I fell like maybe the depression, or the drugs, or what ever is happening is has opened something I don’t what to be around, or maybe God is allowing it to show me how to trust him completely.  A lutheran pastor I am reading about stated that in trouble God gets the opportunities to show his power and we learn how to trust that power. Maybe today was God’s opportunity to show me his power and wants me to let go of the darkness I am holding onto. Another instant of God talking.  I have not in the past three years remembered my envelope that I get from the church for my offering.  It has the date and a bible vs on it.  I spoke last weekend about the fruits of the spirit and it is kindness, patience, self control, the vs on the envelope was the same one.  God has been calling me to John 15 for the past week and Paul’s talk on the fruits of the spirit.  I need to spend some time with this to where God it leading me.

In the mean time– I am trying to eat- I say that but I will try this week. I do trust God he is Love and loves me dearly  I need to study the fruits of the spirit, and learn to love me a little better.  And I need start working out and get some exercise, maybe it will make me eat.  Maybe switch to decaf coffee as maybe that is not helping my anxiety esp. since I am taking the old anti depressant at night and the new one I take in the morning and I am sure coffee full strength doesn’t help. God continues to take me on this journey and I am holding on.  I need to think what this depression is now- it has changed. I need to think about what is happening and pray.  Till next time. Peace

Happy Canada Day.


Since my last panic attack in my doctor’s office, I have been good.  I managed to get through a very stressful time at work and spent the long weekend with my family camping which has been wonderful.  It is always a reconnect with my kids and husband. No one else just us, hanging out, swimming at the beach, campfires, sleeping, reading, playing games.  It was a good time to spend together.  My kids are teens so they understand that Mom isn’t quite right.  They saw my breakdown, they have seen me shaky and panicked.  We spent some quality time together one on one and discussed what all this means and why I am going through what I am going through. They have been very supportive and were glad to have all the dots connected for them.  I am sad that I have to explain that Mom is losing it.  But they appreciated being told and treated like adults and in the end we all came closer.  God does take all things and use it to his good.  I have been good lately so it was a good time to talk and connect and plan our summer and how we want to handle the next wave if it comes.  

 A.W. Tozer wrote in his classic We travel an Appointed Way “to a child of God, there is no accident.  He travels an appointed way”  So how does my depression work to God’s good. My mind falls apart, my emotions betray me how can that be good?   How can any tragedy work to God’s good.  My father was hit by a car, died instantly.  How does that work to God’s good.  A family devastated by the needless death of the Father who held the family unit together.   That now lays in ruins, a brother doesn’t talk to others cause he never really recovered, grand children who never knew the love of a Grandfather.  A wife now a widow missing her beloved husband.  The pain of the broken-hearted in this life goes on and on and on.  Evil runs rampant. hurting, stealing, lieing. Where is the good in any of this. Where is the Love?   Where is the Grace?  Where is God?  Cause sometimes I feel he is very far away.

  We can have hope.  Romans 8:  22-27 and  31

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.

More Than Conquerors

 31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

We have hope in that God who is greater than me on my best days, will look after me because he Loves me, created me.  I fail and I am in a fallen world.  Evil lives  in this world, but God loves us so abundantly that he takes our pain and makes it into joy.  If we trust him.  I take courage and comfort and strength from the promise that in the midst of the brokeness the Holy Spirit intercede for us with groaning that  corresponds to the depth of the pain I am in.  And when in the darkness no words can express the protection from  evil I need and the help I need.  This prayer partner in heaven is all-powerful and all-knowing whispering the things of God that I need to know and comunicating the things deep with in my heart and soul that I need to but can’t tell the Lord.  God had provided. God never breaks a promise.

Every bad turn, every broken moment till now, every tear I have shed brings me one more step closer to knowing and relying on God. God has taken the pain, the events of my life and gave me a chance to rely on him and in turn he loves me and protects me.  He is expanding my heart in a way I have never known God before.  I am seeing his shelter in the midst of this storm. He has prepared a cleft for me to hid in. ” I look to the mountains from where will my comfort come from- From the Lord the creator of heaven and earth. ”

These are the things that God has been reveling to my heart as I have prayed and meditated this long weekend.  It is the recovery after the latest storm.  Where you asses what the damaged is, and where the storm has left you.  It left me a little stronger, which is again part of Gods plan to take this storm and turn it into his good.  I don’t know where you are in the storms of your life, but God; if you ask, will take you by the hand and help you walk on the water,  so you can over come the swells and reach dry land.  Just Ask, Reach, hold onto.

I am drowning in the depths of despair the darkness closes in,

 but a light is reaching for me

I can scarcely kick to keep my head above the water, do I want to?

But a light is reaching for me.

I am tired, tired of the pain, the darkness, the hurt, the fighting, I do not want to fight the good fight anymore?

But a light is reaching for me.

Ok– I will take the light hand, it will not leave me, it keeps beckoning me, calling me.

But a light is reaching for me.

This energy! This Shock! This Love! This light!

But a light is reaching for me

This hope grabs my heart and leads me to my Lord. I sit upon the lap of Jesus like a child.

I lay my head upon his chest. Safe, no more to fight, shelter, in the love of the Lord. Peace.

                                                            Till next time peace be with you.

And then I was good


March gives way to April, eventually subsided and then I started to feel better.  I stopped shaking a bit (it never really leaves) I was able to go back to my workouts.  I started a new work out program called Insanity— it is insane and got toned up, ran a little more and started to feel better.  Then I started to feel more than just better I started to feel like me.  Me! I remember her, the one who can be funny, the one who makes it a goal to make people laugh. Me, the one who strives to be a woman after God’s own heart. Me, who can look after her kids, husband, cook up a storm and be responsible, hard-working.  I was ME it felt great! I stood up in front on my congregation at church and sang with the worship band with gusto.  And I truly believe the words I was saying.  But I was a little scared. What if this doesn’t stick.   It didn’t. I got a two month reprieve then bang back to trouble.  It comes on slowly to the point that you don’t feel it sneaking up on you.  The shaking started more, the emotions raged. I could feel God pull in close but I could feel evil licking at my feet, pulling at my at the bottom  of my pants. I am in conflict.  My heart is breaking for those around me that are hurting and I feel conflicted with my faith and my emotions.  So I email my pastor- he separates what is lie and truth for me.  He is concerned – I fluff him off say I’m fine just a little down.  My friend talks with me they both know I am hurting They know I have been fighting depression, they pray for me. This is a good thing, I need all the prayers I can get.  But for me my mind  it is like “are you kidding  Ineed a hands on intervention, I am being sucked down the tube of darkness and praying for me isn’t enough.” I’m thinking exorcism, because I feel possessed.  So what do I do I start to isolate myself.  I am embarrassed and thinking I am crazy.  I start to think if others find out they will think I am crazy and won’t like me, take me seriously, won’t think I am worthy.  That is what the lie wants me to think.  So in my state I have an evening at friends, being out and social is good right? I drink too much and make an ass of myself — cause drinking does not go with antidepressants. I shake more and am totally embarrassed. I apologize for my actions they are the only people who know whats what with me so they are gracious and forgive me.  Suddenly I seem to be apologizing more and more to people for various things. I hate that.  I am a women who is in control – normally, and I am losing control and I can’t cope. To give you an example please see some of my poetry from that time period 

In the darkness of my mind I am alone, it is in disarray

There is fear and cold; but I crave to be there

Here I hide my disarray

Here I hide my shame

Here I trick my heart

I look to the light for warmth, I understand its source

It lays bear my heart, makes known my shame, My mind  betrayed me.

My nerves twitch,  strain, I search for peace.

I search for Grace.

I search for Love.

I know its there, but I sin. I crawl to the darkness

 for I do  not know what to do, I do not  know how  to live with this.

I love my God, I pray, but it is hard to fight.

It scares me, I give way to panic, it pulls me in traps me

My heart beats faster, faster, I hold to God with my life

I wish for ease of mind, I wish for green pastures,

I wish for peace

I wish I could cry.

What do you do — you get up, you exercise, you eat right, or at least try to eat, you wash your face, you  go to work, you force a smile. you carry on.

God does love you, God does care, He will sustain you. He will lead you — one more day, one more step, you can carry on.  I don’t know where you are in this but I do know there is a way, a path, a life.  Gather yourself – find some friends,  lean on them,  that is why they are your friends – if they have any salt. Find a church- listen. Don’t isolate yourself- I did its not a place you want to be. You have to keep going, keep fighting. There may be times you close the blinds and hide, I did, but promise me, and yourself that you will open the blinds back up take a breath and move forward.  There is no cure no repreaves  IF you do not move forward.

I will share more next time– till then Gods Blessings

A few things about my friends son


In this edition I want to talk about my friend’s son. This was a guy that I watched grow up.
I never knew that he suffered as deeply as he did from depression.  On his memorial web site there are hundreds of pictures of this smiling guy.  A compassionate fellow, who was kind to my kids.  My kids were younger and he had a way of making them feel like they were special.  How ?? He listened.  He just listened.  I lost touch with him for a few years while he worked.   The yearly camping trips with his family did not always make a 18 -20 year old feel like hanging with abunch of 30 and 40 year olds who want to hike, swim, have campfires and a few glasses of wine.  But last summer he came.  He spent a week with us and we got him to come on the canoe trip with all 16 or so of us.  He had days he was not withdrawn, some he was.  I regret that I did not  spend a moment and ask him what was up.  It would; for the most part, maybe not have made a difference.  I would like to think it would have.  The day after we found out he was gone.  We went to the parents house and the father, a man of great faith put it all in a nut shell.  He asked God what could he have said to make a difference?Why hadn’t he found or God given him the right words.  Gods reply “he didn’t listen to me.” But God was there When he was at the cross roads of life and death Jesus was standing there as his Shepard.   The lie in his head pulling him away from his family, his God, his life, didn’t allow room for God to talk.  The pastor at his funeral makes this point more accurately

But I’d better tackle what we’re feeling head on:

 is it not precisely God grace, His good favor, that seems to have been
swallowed and removed by this suicide? It’s like the lights have gone out and
we can’t get them back on. It’s like there’s been a grace power failure. I’m
saying, this is how it feels.

For, indeed, grace is not the one and only force
at work on planet earth, and actually, the Scriptures are candid about this. In
Ephesians 6, for example, the Apostle speaks about our struggle against the
evil power of this present darkness. I’m not going to take time to explain
that, but is it not exactly what we sense –this present darkness? Yes, and let
me warn you about something: beware that just when this present darkness is
most stiflingly black, beware of a cool, deadly voice whispering a thought to
your mind, saying,  This is reality.

Darkness, finally, is all there is. You were a fool to hope in God and His
grace; it’s an illusion.”

Beware this cool, deadly whisper because, my
friends, it is a lie. It is the lie the present darkness uses to try and pull
us still farther down, so as to increase its influence on us. But it is a lie.
A lie based on a partial truth, yes, because there is such a thing as darkness,
but when it claims that darkness, hopelessness, is the final, great reality, it
lies. Recognize it and reject it.

For the truth is much greater, and it is this: God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. Furthermore, all the universe God has made is full of light, and joy, and loveliness, and grace. God’s universe is an excellent, happy place, worlds both seen and unseen, full of goodness and light. In fact, in all the wide universe there is only one, tiny corner of it where darkness has got a foothold, namely, this earth. Nevertheless, the overwhelming great reality in the cosmos is the grace and light of God –it’s everywhere.”

Ever have a feeling in your heart – it is a undeniable feeling that you cannot shake.  People tell you;  you are wrong, you see the situation in a incorrect manner.  But you are right you cause you have the feeling.   It’s your feeling, you can’t be wrong in your heart. Sometimes feelings lie.  Have you ever been proven wrong and the feeling in your heart is exposed as a lie and you can’t fathom it, but it is true.  This is what happen to this young man.  The lie of darkness spoke to his heart and we could not convince him otherwise.  We talked to him, we showed him with our way of life, but he did not realize it till he crossed over that it was a lie.  So then what? Is he sentenced to hell because of a lie?  NO and I say it again No.  Things happened long before God knit this soul together in his mom that saved him ,from a earthly lie . Jesus was born, lived died on the cross and rose again. but See the Poem I wrote.

Light Lost

Where are you my friend? I did not know you left.

We saw you as a light rising, Oh you shone so bright.

You stretched your wings, we saw you take flight.

But we never saw the darkness, lurking in the night.

We looked into your eyes, we saw only your light.

That captivating smile, outreach of compassion.

But behind the light,  the lie began to grow with passion.

We knew the darkness lurked, but we only saw your light.

The lie thought he had you, on your final flight.

But the lie did not know. That long ago

You were very small,  and baptized, witnessed by us all.

Upon the forehead and upon the breast

God’s love it always  rests.

The Son of Man, of love, and grace, ask that we bring the children in haste

So the lie has lost , for on the knee of the Son of Man

Forever and ever the light sits by His hand

Forever in God’s love

Forever in God’s Grasp

Never to hear the lie, that has made all us cry.

by GMW

In a nutshell the boy was baptized into God’s family, and no lie, or anything or one else  —  can take you from that loving grasp.

So In conclusion.  Yes there is depression, and yes there are victims from depression, and not the spacey ones you see on TV advertizing pills where the side-effects list is longer than the benefits.  I’m not saying all pills are wrong- there are some good ones prescribed by good doctors.  You just have to find the right doctor and then the right pill.  Most of the time that is the rub.    In God there is hope, love, grace, and joy.  It may not seem  near, but I ask you for one more day, then one more day, the darkness can lift.  See your family, see your doctor, see your friends, or a pastor. Call a crisis line, the operator- anyone.  You will not feel like it; but give it one more day and talk to at least 3 people— it will make all the difference.

Next time there is more on my journey please come back and read some more- till next time

Peace

Godly Women Get the Blues ? ? ?


Women work hard, play hard, love their families, love their God, but sometimes they get the blues.   Blues maybe that is a mild term. Sometimes Godly women can become down right depressed.  Depressed is a mild word, sometimes women can fall into dark holes of despair.  When one falls into that dark hole what do you do?  I have been struggling with depression  for more than a year now.  I didn’t  realized till just  before Christmas 2010.   It was not a  crisis of faith.  If anything God does draws closer to you but the noise of negativity and darkness can be overwhelming. I never knew what was happening till I had my breakdown.  I slowly started to realize what what happening to me.  I was depressed, I was ashamed, I was a women that was incontrol that was out of control. I was afraid, terrified is a better word.  I had no one to turn to; at lease I thought I didn’t.

I wanted to start this blog as a record of my journey through depression, the doctor appointments, the medications and a deeper relationship with God, the tension of friendships, the relationships with my kids and husband and how they are effected. Some of what you read is funny, sad, even scary, but all of what you read is true.

I also want to help those who are going through the same thing.  When friends are too busy to talk, and the darkness seems to close, I hope that you will come search this out. There are answers to the questions about what depression is about, there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Please read on you’ll find anxious moments, you’ll find answers to prayer, you’ll hear stories of deep despair, sadness, addictions and failures.  And maybe you’ll find hopefully a way to cope and way to hope and a way to find peace.