March gives way to April, eventually subsided and then I started to feel better. I stopped shaking a bit (it never really leaves) I was able to go back to my workouts. I started a new work out program called Insanity— it is insane and got toned up, ran a little more and started to feel better. Then I started to feel more than just better I started to feel like me. Me! I remember her, the one who can be funny, the one who makes it a goal to make people laugh. Me, the one who strives to be a woman after God’s own heart. Me, who can look after her kids, husband, cook up a storm and be responsible, hard-working. I was ME it felt great! I stood up in front on my congregation at church and sang with the worship band with gusto. And I truly believe the words I was saying. But I was a little scared. What if this doesn’t stick. It didn’t. I got a two month reprieve then bang back to trouble. It comes on slowly to the point that you don’t feel it sneaking up on you. The shaking started more, the emotions raged. I could feel God pull in close but I could feel evil licking at my feet, pulling at my at the bottom of my pants. I am in conflict. My heart is breaking for those around me that are hurting and I feel conflicted with my faith and my emotions. So I email my pastor- he separates what is lie and truth for me. He is concerned – I fluff him off say I’m fine just a little down. My friend talks with me they both know I am hurting They know I have been fighting depression, they pray for me. This is a good thing, I need all the prayers I can get. But for me my mind it is like “are you kidding Ineed a hands on intervention, I am being sucked down the tube of darkness and praying for me isn’t enough.” I’m thinking exorcism, because I feel possessed. So what do I do I start to isolate myself. I am embarrassed and thinking I am crazy. I start to think if others find out they will think I am crazy and won’t like me, take me seriously, won’t think I am worthy. That is what the lie wants me to think. So in my state I have an evening at friends, being out and social is good right? I drink too much and make an ass of myself — cause drinking does not go with antidepressants. I shake more and am totally embarrassed. I apologize for my actions they are the only people who know whats what with me so they are gracious and forgive me. Suddenly I seem to be apologizing more and more to people for various things. I hate that. I am a women who is in control – normally, and I am losing control and I can’t cope. To give you an example please see some of my poetry from that time period
In the darkness of my mind I am alone, it is in disarray
There is fear and cold; but I crave to be there
Here I hide my disarray
Here I hide my shame
Here I trick my heart
I look to the light for warmth, I understand its source
It lays bear my heart, makes known my shame, My mind betrayed me.
My nerves twitch, strain, I search for peace.
I search for Grace.
I search for Love.
I know its there, but I sin. I crawl to the darkness
for I do not know what to do, I do not know how to live with this.
I love my God, I pray, but it is hard to fight.
It scares me, I give way to panic, it pulls me in traps me
My heart beats faster, faster, I hold to God with my life
I wish for ease of mind, I wish for green pastures,
I wish for peace
I wish I could cry.
What do you do — you get up, you exercise, you eat right, or at least try to eat, you wash your face, you go to work, you force a smile. you carry on.
God does love you, God does care, He will sustain you. He will lead you — one more day, one more step, you can carry on. I don’t know where you are in this but I do know there is a way, a path, a life. Gather yourself – find some friends, lean on them, that is why they are your friends – if they have any salt. Find a church- listen. Don’t isolate yourself- I did its not a place you want to be. You have to keep going, keep fighting. There may be times you close the blinds and hide, I did, but promise me, and yourself that you will open the blinds back up take a breath and move forward. There is no cure no repreaves IF you do not move forward.
I will share more next time– till then Gods Blessings