January leads into Feb and then MarchThen what—I started medication for my depression in Feb. I thought it would be the cure all. That isn’t what happens with depression but I didn’t know. It is sneaky. The thing the doctor didn’t tell me – my wonderful doctor who a have always trusted for over 20+ years. There are side effects. I had shaky hands I was up I was down- I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I lost 15 lbs and blamed it on a exercise program I was on in fact I just didn’t eat much for weeks . I wasn’t hungary.
In the midst of this I did write some an extensive amount of poetry, to help my heart mind soul. Some heartfelt but there was also the heartbroken poetry too- see below:
It came upon me slowly seductively it whispered lies
When I didn’t know I was listening
It attacked my God
It attacked my faith
It took my emotions and squeezed them
A God who loves us should protect us from ourselves There should not be death suffering in silence
Our minds should not betray us – The lies continue
The dark smoulders around, frightening my heart, cooling it to make it cold
Pushing to keep it off balance
My hands shake, my heart cold, I can not cry anymore
I am not losing my mind
I am not losing myself
I am not losing my love
I keep telling me these things
Murky gray keeps licking the heels of my mind
The lie takes more, but I see it. I separate if from my faith. I separate it from my God.
It lets go, but it did not leave
But I fight and fight fight
I am Broken the light gathers
I am Hurt the light heals
I am ashamed the light forgive
Its grace covers me and the love comes through
I give up the familiar robe of
darkness for a garmet of Joy – I try
I feel raw but safe
less shaky But shaken
Peace but disturbed
Forgive my tormented heart
Forgive my troubled mind
Thank you for your Grace and Love
For God is in Control
God holds me true
God is the Way Truth Light
God is my Father, and his Grace and Love never ends Amen
Needless to say I was in a state, but this is what i have discovered depression does; it turns you upside down. If you have or are going through depression you know what it can do. If you have never been through it this is how powerful it is. It takes all that we hold dear and messes it up.
So now what???? you go to sleep- you get up you try again, and try not to be a pest to your friends but if anything see your doctor, seek people who can help, friends, family, professionals,
I pray that all who read this will be Blessed by God to gain understanding, help and guidance and most of all peace.
Please come back again and read more.