I was feeling better, it seem to be over, the darkness, the hole seemed to dry up and all was ok, for a while. Jan came and was almost over I thought, wow I must have just had a bad season, The death of my friend’s son maybe over showed Christmas or something, but I was ok. Then the darkness came back. It was different this time it didn’t swallow me, it slithered around my ankles and attempted to pull at my pant legs to pull me in. I didn’t fall into a hole, it came upon me like a smoky fog. The depth of the darkness wanted to drown out the light.
Here is an excerpt from my journal Jan 12 2011
“It’s a sad day, not sure if its hormones though I suspect they are, or its that devil
of depression sneaking around me. It is seductive depression, it’s a itchy coat
that completely envelops you. Joy on the other hand is a fancy
dress. You wear it on special occasions not wanting to get it dirty or messy,
always aware that you are in it for a short time, never really believing that a
fancy dress could be worn always. Why can’t joy be like a comfortable pair of
jeans always ready to wear no matter what you are doing, where you are going,
always feeling good. Never worrying it will end, or never come again.
The darkness of depression swallows like pin the tail on the donkey it binds you,
spins you ‘round, and you can’t remember where the light is.
I am fighting. It sneaks around me but I fight. I cannot reconcile things in my
mind. The devil confuses me. I know God is powerful, creator, my heavenly
father, my source of love, my savior, the I am- God! But What about those who do
not find God. What about my friend’s son who took his life? What about my
brother, who turns his back on God, thinking me a freak for loving the creator
of the earth. We pray for these people, we pray for their souls their minds
their hearts. But the son is dead, the brother unchanged. Did we pray wrongly,
or is free will stronger than prayer, than God. Right now this is the thing I
cannot reconcile. This is what haunts me and keeps me up at night; I think this
is what is at the heart of my depression. Maybe I believe in a touch by an
angle type of God or magic God. One that saves in the nick of time and in an
hours time with commercials. “
God is not that way. What the devil likes to do is confuse you. Depression is caused;
for me anyways, by a biological chemical reaction in my hormones. When you are
not at your best the devil prowls around like a lion seeking to devour you.
What I learned through this bout of depression, my grief was not the source of
my depression, my sorrow added to my sadness, but when I could separate that I
felt sad, and confused from my faith. I soon realized I was not having a crises
of faith, it was a distraction, I could separate faith from sadness and I was
lifted up. God rescued me. I saw that faith did not cause depression and faith
helped me ’cause I could give my grief to God, he reconciled it for me in the
poem I wrote in the previous blog. I felt better and I thought Great making progress
I should have this thing licked! No God had other plans for me. In the mean
time, I went to my Doctor. Even though I figured things out as to what my
depression was not, I still could not function in the state I was in. One
Saturday I had a break down. Full on my face stretched out on the floor break
down. In front of my kids, in front of my husband, and totally freaked them out.
Then I went to my doctor. She is Great! She put me on meds to help. And they
did help keep me from the extreme but they did not stop the depression and here
is where the rub is. You will not cure it by meds they help but there is a
lot of stuff you have to do to help yourself, to heal yourself. But with God’s
help I am getting stronger. With some amazing friends I am coping and that is
how I am handling it for now. More on my journey next time. Come back and read
In your writing I read a person who sounds like they have Major Depression.
Major Depression is not brought on by having a bad day, no it goes much deeper than that. And Major Depression is not the blues either.
Your description of how you feel sounds like that is what you have.
I too have Major Depression, and that is probably why when I read your post I could understand just how bad you were feeling.
I too recently started a Depression Blog so I could write on it like one might right on a journal.If I read my writing over enough times I might get to where I can better understand myself, and maybe that would be a good thing.
Regarding your brother, God did give us each of us The Gift of Choice, and God will not violate that Gift He has given us. Just keep praying and someday your brother may finally realize that the God of the Holy Bible is God.
Thank you for your comments. The depression came to me out of the blue. I have always been a positive person and when this hit me my husband and friends were shocked at how I have changed in a short time. My doctor is wonderful and keeps monitoring me and I have been doing well lately. I hope you have a great support group and doctor too. This blog is a kinda therapy for me as I am sure yours is for you. It is good to pour out your feelings and revelations, to ponder and consider the aspects of depression and yourself, as a way of moving forward and marking your progress. Depression can be so isolating that our blogs are a good way of getting the word out there that it happens, it happens to the best of people and it is livable.
As for my brother. I know God’s timing is not my timing, and God has a plan even if I am impatient to see it happen. I have stopped praying about him. Not because I have given up, but because it is in God’s hand and I will not take it back and stew about it anymore. I have full faith in God.
I hope you continue to read on my journey. I have a feeling it has just begun.