End of August; End of Summer :(


I am a beach baby.  Love the sun, love the surf, (what you can find off it in Canada) love gardening, love camping, love being out doors. But we are coming up to the long weekend and summer almost over.  Not happy about it.

Back to work now for a few days – I work at the high school in the office so I am putting papers together for teachers, staff, students.  If anyone tells you that computers are creating a paperless society, work in a school.  I have killed a forest of trees up to this point than in any other job.  Whats new in my worl?  Not much to be honest.  I have been pretty much on an even keel.  I have taken my anxiety drugs lately.  I felt I needed them to keep even.  I have been trying not to drink, not easy, I was at a wine tasting on the weekend.  I was a little off last night.  I went for a long run and I felt a bit better. 

Today I still think I was a little off but no panic attacks, or anxiety just a little down, or maybe tired.  I am still not sleeping so its hard to tell the difference.  I rode my bike to work today.  To work is easy, mostly down hill, home is the tough part. mostly up hill.  but it was a good work out.  At least I got to doing something as I did nothing last week. 

Eating?? I am eating some.  Its off and on.  Monday night it was fend for yourself night.  Which means if you find it in the fridge and it doesn’t growl at you, you can eat it.  I ate nothing.  I had  a handful on mix nuts and a turkey bite for lunch.  This eating thing is hard.  Today I had 1/2 a filet of halibut for lunch, handful mix nuts and I am making a chicken breast and salad for supper.  I am doing better today. Tomorrow well who knows.  I have to get my eating in order – I am setting myself up to train for a 1/2 marathon in November, body willing, which means I need to be eating a training meal plan.  Maybe this is how I can get myself in order.  It’s still really hard I had no idea that this could be so difficult and yet here I am mixed up and confused about this and not caring if I do eat or not.

Upon reading this over I can not fathom that I am in this place.   Mind you reading over all my blogs I can’t fathom being in any of these places.  How did I get here? How do I keep out of here? Where do I go from here?  The things I held dear the things I prided myself on I could careless.  My home, it has been my pride.  Not in a luxury way, but I have an ok home I loved to keep it neat and tidy.  Sometimes I feel the need to organize as I have done leading up to getting ready to go to work, but now at work.  I don’t care. Let the dust bunnies roll. Cooking has been another love I don’t care to do.  I love to cook as an extension of my love for my family.  My family love it when I become inspired to cook.  It hasn’t happened in a long time.  I did bake the other week first time in months.  I made banana bread.  I felt sorry for the brown bananas and couldn’t throw them out. My family was shocked!

I am not really sad this week, I am maybe just shocked at where I am in life at the age I am.  Maybe I am sad at missing the old me. I guess I feel like I am missing an old friend, who went away on a long trip and hasn’t returned, and you don’t know when that will be.

Or maybe I am just tired.

To end this with God

I lift my eyes up to the mountains from where does my help come from

It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.  ( a loose remembrance of Psalm 121)

I do lift my eyes to the Lord and pray for me to come back to me.  I pray that God keep me safe from the devil and his prowling as I am vulnerable, and broken.  I study God’s word, and volunteer at my church to keep me in Gods view, so I can remember that He is Lord. And that I have faith.  Even if Martin Luther says you do not have to do works to get into heaven, but by faith alone.  I think that Faith without good works, is not faith at all.  I do good, cause I wish to receive God’s favour, I wish to have God smile down upon me, and I wish that my works, go without notice from man cause the blessing is sweeter from God.  I am trusting in God to carry me through this time.  He does, and how do I know? Cause there are times if he was not carrying me I would have died.  It’s that simple.

 

I leave you for now – untill next time God’s blessings upon you ————-G

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Then Christmas was over


I was feeling better, it seem to be over, the darkness, the hole seemed to dry up and all was ok, for a while. Jan came and was almost over I thought, wow I must have just had a bad season, The death of my friend’s son maybe over showed Christmas or something, but I was ok.  Then the darkness came back. It was different this time it didn’t swallow me, it slithered around my ankles and attempted to pull at my pant legs to pull me in. I didn’t fall into a hole, it came upon me like a smoky fog. The depth of the darkness wanted to drown out the light.

Here is an excerpt from my journal Jan 12 2011

“It’s a sad day, not sure if its hormones though I suspect they are, or its that devil
of depression sneaking around me. It is seductive depression, it’s a itchy coat
that completely envelops you.  Joy on the other hand is a fancy
dress. You wear it on special occasions not wanting to get it dirty or messy,
always aware that you are in it for a short time, never really believing that a
fancy dress could be worn always. Why can’t joy be like a comfortable pair of
jeans always ready to wear no matter what you are doing, where you are going,
always feeling good. Never worrying it will end, or never come again.

The darkness of depression swallows like pin the tail on the donkey it binds you,
spins you ‘round, and you can’t remember where the light is.

I am fighting. It sneaks around me but I fight. I cannot reconcile things in my
mind. The devil confuses me. I know God is powerful, creator, my heavenly
father, my source of love, my savior, the I am- God! But What about those who do
not find God. What about my friend’s son who took his life? What about my
brother, who turns his back on God, thinking me a freak for loving the creator
of the earth. We pray for these people, we pray for their souls their minds
their hearts. But the son is dead, the brother unchanged. Did we pray wrongly,
or is free will stronger than prayer, than God. Right now this is the thing I
cannot reconcile. This is what haunts me and keeps me up at night; I think this
is what is at the heart of my depression. Maybe I believe in a touch by an
angle type of God or magic God. One that saves in the nick of time and in an
hours time with commercials. “

God is not that way. What the devil likes to do is confuse you. Depression is caused;
for me anyways, by a biological chemical reaction in my hormones. When you are
not at your best the devil prowls around like a lion seeking to devour you.
What I learned through this bout of depression, my grief was not the source of
my depression, my sorrow added to my sadness, but when I could separate that I
felt sad, and confused from my faith. I soon realized I was not having a crises
of faith, it was a distraction, I could separate faith from sadness and I was
lifted up. God rescued me. I saw that faith did not cause depression and faith
helped me ’cause I could give my grief to God, he reconciled it for me in the
poem I wrote in the previous blog. I felt better and I thought Great making progress
I should have this thing licked! No God had other plans for me. In the mean
time, I went to my Doctor. Even though I figured things out as to what my
depression was not, I still could not function in the state I was in. One
Saturday I had a break down. Full on my face stretched out on the floor break
down. In front of my kids, in front of my husband, and totally freaked them out.
Then I went to my doctor. She is Great! She put me on meds to help. And they
did help keep me from the extreme but they did not stop the depression and here
is where the rub is. You will not cure it by meds they help but there is a
lot of stuff you have to do to help yourself, to heal yourself. But with God’s
help I am getting stronger. With some amazing friends I am coping and that is
how I am handling it for now. More on my journey next time. Come back and read
more. GW