Well its a week later since my doctor’s apt and 7 days into the new drugs. I take one in the morning one at night. Its been an adjustment. Like when I started with the first one, things happen, the side effects come about and you deal with them. I have had terrible shakes,then nothing, my heart at times pounds when I am doing nothing, gripping anxiety and ready to crawl out of my skin, I take my anti anxiety med and it calms down and I adventually stop wringing my hands and settle. This morning I felt a little anxious on the way to church I did really well on the way to church and talked myself down. The band was playing and I was looking forward to it, good songs, beautiful day. I was great till I walked into the church. It hit me like a attack. I just felt like darkness rushed at me. It was the strangest thing. I started to shake, I could feel myself start to panic, I was dizzy, I was having trouble keeping my train of thought – which seems to be happening more these days. I kept breathing deeply trying to feel calm, I was loosing it. I took a anxiety med, it calmed a bit, but they were there. We played the first song warm up and then I insisted the band pray. I asked the Holy Spirit to come to us and protect us I asked for God‘s blessing on us, then we turned around and played. The darkness tried to pull in close. I just sang God’s words in the song and when I was not singing I kept saying ” I lift my eyes to the hills from where does my help come from, the maker of Heaven and Earth.” By the end of the service I had pushed off the darkness that was taunting me. I felt better and calmer and back on my game. My daughter couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me she came up to me after church and wanted to know what was happening with me her words”you were really bent out of shape what was with you” Can you hear the love. I told her what was happening I got a hug and a” well your over it now.” Such sympathy 😉
Its Sunday afternoon I am sitting in my back yard on a beautiful sunny day I am calm now. I don’t know what happened this morning. What does all this mean? If this is a part of depression it is new to me. I don’t feel sad, or down, or falling in a hole, I feel relatively ok. a little closer to what me feels like- at this moment. The swings of side effects, like before should level off as I get used to the new drug. I still have no desire to eat and some of that is not wanting to eat either. I like the weight I have lost, to be honest. And if I was really honest with you, its the darkness I don’t want to leave, which makes me confused. I am involved with helping with fund raising for the starving people in the horn of Africa and I am doing it on purpose to myself. God is talking to me about this I am not listening all the time, but he is talking to me.
What concerned me the most about today is the rush of the darkness when I walked into the church. These are things I felt when I was really down in a hole, its things I felt and saw when I was deep in the darkness. I am not in those places right now, I am not sad or hurting or in darkness, it did not engulf me, but the darkness at church it surrounded me, it taunted me, it rushed me and circled, it threw me off. It is one thing for the darkness to try to push its thorns into yourself when you are down and venerable but when you are feeling mostly ok, maybe a little anxious, that threw me off. Its hard to fight what is in your mind day after day. I fell like maybe the depression, or the drugs, or what ever is happening is has opened something I don’t what to be around, or maybe God is allowing it to show me how to trust him completely. A lutheran pastor I am reading about stated that in trouble God gets the opportunities to show his power and we learn how to trust that power. Maybe today was God’s opportunity to show me his power and wants me to let go of the darkness I am holding onto. Another instant of God talking. I have not in the past three years remembered my envelope that I get from the church for my offering. It has the date and a bible vs on it. I spoke last weekend about the fruits of the spirit and it is kindness, patience, self control, the vs on the envelope was the same one. God has been calling me to John 15 for the past week and Paul’s talk on the fruits of the spirit. I need to spend some time with this to where God it leading me.
In the mean time– I am trying to eat- I say that but I will try this week. I do trust God he is Love and loves me dearly I need to study the fruits of the spirit, and learn to love me a little better. And I need start working out and get some exercise, maybe it will make me eat. Maybe switch to decaf coffee as maybe that is not helping my anxiety esp. since I am taking the old anti depressant at night and the new one I take in the morning and I am sure coffee full strength doesn’t help. God continues to take me on this journey and I am holding on. I need to think what this depression is now- it has changed. I need to think about what is happening and pray. Till next time. Peace