This is the hunting grounds of confusion. I am doing crafts for Vacation Bible School next week. How do I do this in the confusion of my mind. The above vs is one of the verses I will be teaching and creating a craft for next week. I read this and I think: I have been brought to my knees, and beyond in the depth of depression. I know others who have taken their lives or wanted to, or tried to– who suffer from depression. How do you believe this verse. These are the things that shake me, these are the things that confuse me. I know God is love, I know he will not forsake me, but at times like this, how do you believe it. In the depths of my suffering God has been there, but I was allowed by him to suffer. Will it end or will I be forever stuck as someone two steps away from crazy, death, or instituionalized.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
God I am in trouble — why do I feel your back against me. What am I to learn, what am I to know from this, what blessings or punishment am I supposed to get. It is in these times I know you love me and you watch out for me, but it is at this time I feel like I am the only tracks in the sand as I walk through this dark day, if you are carrying me, I do not feel it, for I feel face down in the sand.
“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
My needs! My needs are to feel sane, my needs are to not fall apart, my needs are to feel safe, my needs are to be normal, being able to handle my finances, to handle myself, to be functional, to not hide my breakdowns, to be the me I knew and others used to love, to not be the one people wonder or look at, or talk about as being weird, crazy and different.
I have a tatoo of the triune God symbol on the back of my neck. This represents that God has my back. On a night like tonight I feel like something has my back, but it is not God, it is a darkness and I can’t shake it.
It is late tonight I will try to sleep …. pray for me that I do…… till next time….
till next time…..