I spent this weekend stickless, I wasn’t holding on to a twig, but I wasn’t sliding down the mountain. I have a tiny foot hold on a small ledge. I was out with co-workers and friends friday night and it was nice to be out and seeing people. Saturday night I had our best friends over for a causal dinner and it was a wonderful time too. These people are so special to me, and we were doing some summer planning which lifted my mood, thinking of summer is always a lift.
Sunday I didn’t go to church. It was something I decided the middle of the previous week. Maybe that was wrong, maybe it would be better to be in the shadow of the cross at the front of our church, I needed sometime. I sent my family, my husband was upset but I needed some quiet time. My husband was convinced I was sliding down the mountain but in reality I was on my ledge getting a grip so to speak. There is turmoil and no peace from being in church. Wednesday’s lent service I was being hit hard by negative spirits that were poking at me and I was sliding down the mountain and they were kicking me when I was down. There was too much going on I could not get myself together. I needed to have some time to sort out the negative voices and the whispers of God. I needed to find some peace, I needed some space. So even though my husband didn’t want me to I stayed home I sat quietly for a few hours with a cup or two of coffee and prayed, thought, and tried to come to a peace about it. I think I came to a working place that I can continue forward.
One of my thoughts again come to illness. The realization of the illness I have, not that that is new news to me, but sometimes it is surreal to me. The flipping of emotions and moods is exhausting and the fighting to keep saine is something that I have a tough time day after day. I was reading an article about a lady that endured pain every day and how she handled it and gave it to God everyday and how she dealt with it. I don’t belittle this womans brave fight. I can understand how it could bring her down and the emotional rollercoaster she is on. But if my hand or my leg hurt I could isolate the hand or leg. When its your mind there is no distance between how you think and the pain that you feel. Then there is also the physical pain that goes with the depression. It’s a hard thing anyway you look at it.
So this week I am trying very hard to trust God in this journey, I am trying very hard to be patient cause he asked me to. I am trying very hard to ignore the negative voices and let God deal with them. And I am trying very hard to listen to God and find peace. Till next time from my little ledge.