September and I put on track pants today! I like track pants, comfortable, warm, casual, you can hang out and relax. I need to relax, I am coming off a high stressful week – start up at school and it went well but it has been a hellish weekend. I made it through the week but I didn’t survive the time off. We had some drama in the house and between dealing with that and trying to get regular weekend stuff done I am frazzled. I wanted some peace, just a little peace. Everyone in this house tonight is tired from lack of sleep and grumpy. I keep moving to other sections of the house in hope of getting away from people – they follow like my cat!! Its been a difficult time, I had to give a presentation at church this morning about a group I belong with and the charity work we are doing. As I presented what I wanted to say about why I wanted to be apart of this group, I became choked up and had to stop twice in order to get myself together to proceed. I am very passionate about it and I took a breath and it caught in my voice and I am beside myself with embarrassment and shock that this happened. I have said in other posts that I do not cry or hardly ever now, the meds seem to have sucked up those tear ducks dry. This weekend I can’t stop. I started Friday night, before all drama between a teenage girl and her father, and here is it Sunday night and I am still crying. I don’t know what has come over me. Deep in my heart I feel such brokeness and I don’t know why. I can’t seem to get passed it.
I know a good cry, like a good sneeze, is a good thing, and I have always loved a good sneeze but this feels strange and I am not sure why. Maybe I analyze too much, I know I put too much pressure on myself. I know that I have left myself in a open and in a vulnerable state a lot lately. I have felt over the past months that my broken heart is on display. There are no secrets and I feel exposed. Thinking about the word exposed brings up so many feelings, emotions, I am not sure how to sort them. This feeling brings the tears again. I feel drained, I want to sleep for a week but am unable to. That same old confusion comes knocking at the door, the darkness; that has been sitting in its chair for the past few weeks, has moved its chair closer, it just sits looking at this exposed heart and the tears that will not stop running. The confusion greets the darkness and sit there like old friends in over stuffed chairs of a coffee house enjoying a latte and saying nothing — watching and nodding at each other like they know what they are each thinking. As they sit in the darkness of a coffee house, I am clinging to the stool of a pato trying to sip a cool drink and soak up the light of the world. Praying in my mind but the darkness and confusion smile at each other sarcasticly like “Ya that aint going to help” So I Picture Jesus sitting on a rock with small children surrounding him. You know the picture, looking so kind and in a beautiful white robe and smiling at the innocence of these little ones. I picture myself crawling up upon his lap, and being a small child, laying my head on his chest and feeling his strong arms around me as a father would a child. As a brother would one of his family, as a friend would his best friend. Let the battle begin –again
I am trying to hold this image. —— till next time