Last week in July 2011


We are mid week in the last week of July.  I was for my follow up with my doctor this week she wants me to up my dose again.  I have now doubled my doseage.  It makes me sad, to be honest that I need to be taking something.   I am a farm girl, I don’t like chemicals and taking them or exposing them to me, pills goes against the grain- so to speak no pun intended. But I have been feeling better and talked myself out of a panic attack the other week so I guess I am proceeding in a positive trend and this will not be forever, so I will roll with it for now.

I have been having sleeping problems. I am only getting 2 to 4 hours a night, I am tired and hate that.  I have been trying to be active.  I don’t run lately and seem to have lost my drive for that, I have stopped working out, I feel guilty for that but as a Mom and women I always feel guilty for that and so much more.

Today I want to talk about thorns.  I had a tough time reconciling my thorn with the power of God.  My thorn, depression; my delima, I have a belief in a God that created the heavens and the earth and yet I have this thorn.  My thorn has shown me the darkness of evil and how smooth and slick it can be.  The darkness has been relenting till now; for now I seem to be better and not near the darkness, as a matter of fact I seem to be smothered in light.  But along with the light is an acute awareness of the heartbreak of others.   Why the thorn.  The apostle Paul asked God three times to remove his thorn.  I have asked God three thousand times at least to remove my thorn.  God answered Paul this way, ” My Grace is sufficient for you” In other words God’s favour, his blessings, his will is sufficient for him.  God has decided that what ever the thorn is that Paul hates, God is not going to take it away, he is leaving it for him and his Love and Will should be enough for Paul.  Thorns do lots for the thorn bearer.   A person learns to adapt to our thorn.  When we adapt we become stronger, we lean on God more.  In other words the thorn makes us a better person and teaches us to rely on God to help us through the rough parts, keeps us humble.  Like a parent allows a child to fall down once in a while so it can learn to stand on its own two feet God also allow us to fall to make us stronger.  But is it ever easy. No Never, why would you allow a child to fall, it will hurt, we don’t want our children to hurt we want to give them everything to make their life easier cause our life wasn’t easy- why not make it better for them.  You end up with spoiled children that expects to be served.  Paul was a proud man his thorn made him rely on God to the point that he was humble and praised God for his thorn because it increased the depth of the relationship between him and God.  The child that is helped never realizes the love that parent really has for him.  The child who falls realizes that he or she learns something and the parent shows him love in a tough love way.

My thorn.  God has taught me that resisting the devil and all his ways doesn’t mean only being good, don’t gossip, don’t steal, don’t swear, these are indeed things that need to be avoided but that isn’t the devil at his best.  Those are little chips at our soul.  When you are at your most vulnerable, when you are depressed and fall in a hole, then the devil prowls around and confuses you and makes you forget what is really important.  Your family, your faith, what you hold dear, even your life.  But resisting means relying on God and his Grace being sufficient.  It has deepened my relationship with him – because I let him deepen it.  I could have walked away yelling you don’t care for me you are self-seeking.  God is seeking, me, my heart, my soul, my life.  Jesus tells us to ask  and it will be given to you, seek and it will be found, knock and it will be open to you.  I’m no talking give me a million dollars.  But if you are in a bad place ask and God will be there, seek and God will draw close, knock and God will open the door for you.  I you need someone to go through this God will be there, he may not take the thorn away from you, but he will give you a way to learn from it and make you a better person.

This is all for now,  August is another month to work through  God Bless you till I write to again.

July Week Two


Feeling a bit better today.  Back at work after a quiet weekend.  Managed to get a lot of work done around the house and in the yard.  I spent most of Sunday gathering all our camping stuff for our yearly week-long camping trip.  I look forward to it every year.  I spent a lot of time sitting with my husband this weekend , around campfires in our back yard discussing; of all things, my illness– again.  I am so lucky to have an understanding supportive husband, who loves me to death. He is my rock, my friend, my love.  We put into place some fail safes for me.  That sounds weird, but if you suffer from depression you need to set up some rules and guidelines.  Depression is a mix up of chemicals in my brain.  So to put it into common terms, sometimes I don’t think straight and get emotional and confused and need to have rules to rely on to help me.  For instance, I have had a number of panic attacks in stores. or when I am on my own, I seem to get overwhelmed when by myself in public.  I don’t shop by myself,  kids or husband or friends are always with me.  If I am panicking at work. I call my husband he talks me down.  If I am taking my “incase of emergency drugs” (anti anxiety pills) I have to let my husband know, to monitor me, as they are super strong and addictive.  I feel like a little kid under supervision but the alternative ???!!!.  Having a freak out in a store by myself is worse than being chaperoned .  Having my bosses find out I am having an anxiety attack at work, is worse than making  an emergency phone call from the bathroom to my husband.  I will be done work soon for the next 4 and half weeks for summer and I am nervous about having time on my hands.  I have volunteered to assist my church as a secretary if there is holiday coverage needed.  I am planning to paint the house, and then I will start my summer cleaning, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets.  The bottom line. This is effecting all aspects of my life even though I am trying not to.  I feel like I am living in someone elses body, like some weird movie but the body just doesn’t fit right.   Somedays  I feel like checking into a hospital and staring at the walls for weeks on end,  I am worn out.  Sometimes I almost feel like me – (but never really back to it).  We shall see what vacation does for me.  A chance to run more, maybe sleep more, more time with family.  On the good side of the vacation I will be vacationing with some good friends and one of them a pastor. He married us and baptized our kids.  I am looking forward to catching up with them and I have some things I need to discuss with him.  In my pondering, and readings, I have come to some cross roads in my thinking, in my faith.  I am having problem reconciling a couple of bible concepts with how some writers have interpreted them.  Maybe while away my friend can help me settle it.  So I leave you this week with more questions and statements than directions.  But remember God is faithful the sun always rises and the moon is always there at night.  I hope if you are suffering you continue to read, I hope you continue to trust God, or try to,  I hope you find some peace, rest, and comfort.   Bless you on your journey.

June continued


The darkness prowles, But the light shines.

The darkness is quiet, The light is bold.

The darkness whispers lies, The light shouts truth

The darkness trys to steal; bit by bit, The light holds a loving embrace

The darkness slips here or there, The light stands for all to see.

The darkness is hate, The light is love.

God always hold me in your love and protect me from the darkness.

Journal entry June 8, 2011 ” Being dragged on down, I am still unsettled I am not sure why, but it is a constant fight between heart and mind.  I hear the negative voices reoccuring, voices that will not let me go.  Eight track tape going on and on.  I am trying to get it to let go.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  I walk and listen to music to drown it out.  I am feeling hasselled I can not get it to stop. Lord help me.  “

June has not been an easy month and its only the 25.  I had another panic attack this week. It was building all week.  The week before I was just sad.  Sit like a lump sad.  I think the people are realizing at work that something isn’t right- my greatest fear.  This week it started to build Sunday, and I slipped each day slowly untill I was having a panic attack in my doctors office.  I was there for 40 minutes.  I felt foolish. insaine.  But it was good.  As I stated earlier, I have a great Doctor I completely trust her and she knows me well.  So this was an eye opener for her to see me in such a state.  The result. Drugs.  I am not entirely comfortable with them. She upped my anti-depressents and perscribed anti-anxiety (incase of emergency break glass) drugs.  I went to the drug store bought them, went back to work stared at them for an hour and took one. I was anxious, I was coming down from the panic, but was trying to get it together, it was an emergency.  It worked.  I came down, could concentrate, finish all I had to do and go home feeling better.  I woke the next day calmer. Praise the Lord.  Now they are my security blanket.  I carry them around in my purse, just having them near makes me feel better.  But the rub– there always is isn’t there.  They are very strong and powerful and addictive. This last event with my doctor, makes me more concerned about my mental state. I need to seek a counciler, I need more than to bother friends and read some excelent books on how to cope. I just have to ask.  I have been carrying around with me all week a EAP pamflet from work.  I have great benefits and free counciling.  But I want to go to a christian. I can’t pick up the phone and call stranger.  I have tried several times this week. My doctor told me to go to my pastor.  There are christian agencies and I maybe able to go there. 

The thing of it all.  I need to talk to someone, I talk here to you, I talk to God. God listens- he talks to me. I don’t like the drugs but they are working today, so I am happy.  But a line was crossed this week that made this  mild case of the blues to something more.  Maybe its part of the depression but it frightens me more. But that is a huge part of depression. Fear. Sadness.  Anger I have been very angry this month.  My bible study was studying the fruits of the spirit, gentleness, kindness, self control.  I felt none of these, it made me more than angry.  I lashed out at a friend who was giving me a wonderful birthday message earier this month.  She said I didn’t she didn’t take it that way.  But I was angry over her encouraging nice words. I don’t feel them.  In this wave, I have felt pathitic, and ashamed, resentment, extreem jealously, fear- scared out of my wits is better discription. So where is my God in all of this. He is there.  He promised he would be.  In the book I am reading it says Though we break God’s heart sometimes, he loves us still. That promise goes back to the beginning when in the garden of Eden and Eve disobeyed God when she ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and shared it with her husband, Adam, we lost our place in Paradise.  Sin became our birthright.  But God in His grace and mercy promised deliverance before he Banished Adam and Eve.  We are travelers through this world back to our Paradise with God.  We have storms to go through, this latest wave is yet another storm.  But God is holding me. Giving me people to help me.  Helping me to realize what I need to brave the storm and to put me in a cleft to ride it out.  The last couple of days have been good.  I practiced with my youth band today and sang my heart out in praise, and ment it. Tomorrow I deliver the children’s message- a little nervious. But feeling stronger, and I will be standing in God’s house so where better to feel his strength surrounded by people who love me, and God himself. The darkness may have been dark. But Gods light is always bright.  He is leading me on this journey – its becoming a journey of discovery. I have been realizing just how much God is there for me, the control freak and he is in control- I have just been discovering how deep with in me he lives.

Peace to you from this week talk to you later….

A week in June.


Another week in June has just about gone by.  I am tired today.  I got up early and ran 6km, then showered and off to work. Work has been really busy, half of the staff are sick and I got left holding the bag.  I am still trying to figure out things but as acting Office Manager I have been trying to get it all done.  I have been feeling good.  A little shaky today which always makes me nervous cause I am never sure where it will lead to.  I have been telling myself it’s just your tired. So tonight I will sleep and sleep in no running tomorrow, (hopefully I sleep)  just relax and see what the day holds at the office.  Its fathers day this weekend and I am lucky on two accounts. First I have a great Father to my two kids – my husband of 20 years, and I had the greatest Dad as a father.  Gone now almost 15 years.  It’s hard to lose someone so wonderful and major influence in my life.  Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if he was here. Sometimes I wonder if he would think badly about me and my meds and my depression.  I am still trying to get it through my head depression isn`t my fault.  That is not an easy thing to do.  Why! it’s the way people look at you if they know.  It’s the comments people make about people with depression.  I had a comment made by a friend about my friend’s son who committed suicide, because he suffered sever depression.  He said  that boy was a “realy different sort of guy” He was creative, friendly, loving. he suffered from something he could not control. And that is the rub of it all.  Its something I can’t control.  That should let me of the hook right? No it never does. I am on the hook.  Control freak here– who feels like a freak cause she can’t control her emotions.  I am raising two teens, how do I guide them on how to live; how wonderful our Lord is and how to depend on God if I can’t depend on him myself sometimes cause I am too afraid and depressed and feeling betrayed by my mind and my body.  So I have my triggers.  I still suffer from panic attacks that the meds are suppost to help with, the problem with meds are they need to take effect and they take a while to really work.  So I wait in shame in silence except for one or two friends I say nothing to anyone.  Not even my Mother.  I love my Mom she is wonderful, and my best friend too.  My mother comes from a time when if a woman was suffering form panic attacks and depression they would put her in to the hospital.  Mom decided she “just wasn’t going to let it get her down” Depression doesn’t work that way, and she and I even though we look alike we are not build the same and my chemicals in my body have always had a mind of their own.  When I was 28 and had my first child, after a preplanned C section, I started the night sweats and hot flashes.  After my second child some thing only worse, and she was another C section, preplanned.  So I never had labour, and wonder if I had the natural birth experience, if chemicaly, I would be better off. A wonderment that I will always wonder.  My kids had to be C sections, I couldn’t have them natural so no choice in the matter. I have been having the physical side effects of menopause for almost 18 years.  So I always figured , Hey when it gets here it will be a snap at handling all of this.  I never figured in the emotional side of things. I never knew there was a depression side of things.  An anger side of things, A desperation side of things. A losing control of things and feeling like you have gone crazy.  Those women in my mothers time that were sent to the mental hospital, maybe it wasn’t so bad, Yes you had to leave your family, but the husband would say “my wife is helping a family member recover and will be back” it was never talked about and the women got really good drugs to come “around”  Mind you there was also shock therapy, so maybe a padded room isn’t the best thing.  But there are times I want to run a way for some quiet time.  To distract me from the voices of depression and rest and have no responsibility.  But that isn’t life. So the reality is cope the best you can.  I have made some changes in my life.  I don’t shop alone, I’m not allowed, I seem to become panicky when I am out by myself so one of the kids or my husband come with me which is difficult sometimes cause my boy and husband hate to shop.  So I buy  a lot of stuff at Costco, cause my hubby will go there, and Canadian Tire.   I  Pray.  God loves you He created you, he knows the hairs on my head and has them numbered and how many will and are turning gray, and for some of you what your natural colour was! Jesus walked this earth and delt with depression too.  He saw first hand how hard we struggle as humans on this earth.  He was full of compassion for us, he wept with us when his friends passed.  Jesus was distressed in the moments before he was taken to be crucified.  He was distressed to the point of depression because of the things he had to do to make things right between God and us.  He paid the ultimate price for us to come to God and for the forgiveness of our sins. He leads us to greater joy and love through God. Pray that God leads you to the light and away from the darkness.  God is Good he will look after you. I cling to him in my darkness.  He holds me when I am desperate. I will pray for you all. till next time

May the season of Spring and this year alot of rain


I make it to May feeling like me more and getting back on track.  I spend a weekend away from the kids with my husband to fish with friends.  We have a great weekend.  Except for a little shaking on Saturday night – which my friends either ignored or didn’t see, I was great.  It was wonderful to spend time fishing and being up north and relaxing.  I feel God leading me along, taking care of me watching over me. Helping me see that having depression is something one can live with.  At least that is how it feels when you are up before you go down. May was a great month – June!!!!

I was doing everything right. Eating well, Well actually truth be known I was eating very little but what I ate was Good. Lean meat, healthy salads, (you know there are unhealthy salads) Working out, cut back my red wine greatly.  I would have a glass every evening, but I cut it out and had a glass with a meal on the weekends.  Trying to get sleep, that was hit or miss sometimes I would sleep sometimes I would not. Then one day it started again.  The seeping of anxiety and panic.  I was at work.  It was busy, sometimes its nuts busy, this was steady, but not crazy.  I started to slip, I thought” no way am I having this happen”  I was fighting but the panic was just under the surface.  I finished work, went home, bought supper, fed my family still trying to get it together.  I didn’t tell anyone I was no good.  My husband noticed but had to be somewhere that night so did the kids, so did I.  We all went our separate ways.  I took my daughter to Youth Group, I went to my prayer meeting.  I prayed a couple of poor prayers. The group ended.  I ended up in the parking lot talking to my pastor.  He knew I was not in a good place. I told him I wasn’t good;but I went home to a dark house.  But I was going to fight.  I fought the panic attack, I prayed and meditated for a long time.  I could not get rid of the dark shadow on my back.  It had followed me all day, then that night it swallowed me up.  I had prayed and finally gave into the panic.  I text my friend, “pray for me I’m being attacked”  She and I text abit,  I am exhaused. I couldn’t pray I couldn’t talk, I could  get myself to bed.  I should have called my husband, I should have told him I was alone. I shouldn’t have been alone – not that night.  My husband did come home that night shortly after my plea to my friend, that I was going under pray. He scooped me up put me to bed. he saved me that night. I can’t say what would have happened, but my hubby came home at a good time.    I would like to say I slept, you know I did not, I managed a few hours.  Woke up-  down.  Depression is like that, if you suffer you know it can come on with  no reason.  If someone tells you just brighten up, please resist the urge to punch them. You can’t.  For me my depression is also related to hormones.  I can’t control them.  I can do stuff to minimize the swings.  Eating right, working out, drinking less. My medication I am on, doesn’t mix with wine.  So I stop all the bad things, but depression isn’t always effected by the outside it comes from within.

So for two weeks I have been struggling, shaking my way along.  Some days have been aweful, some better.  I left work for a “Doctors Apt” and went home to sit in the sun to make myself feel better.  Actually no apt, I was having a panic attack and had to get out of there before someone realized I was freaking out.  I went to a Christian book store and got some books on God and depression. I told the lady they were for a friend.  I know she didn’t believe me.  But I couldn’t bring myself to say it was me I was embarrassed.  So I read. I blog. I suffer in silence.

My friend says that I should not be embarrassed about this, its chemical and not my fault.  How do you cross that line?  I am out of control, for a woman who is always in control, I have lost it.  The medication makes it so I can not cry.  I have lost that ability cause it help pushes down some emotions.  I think if I had a good cry I could feel better.  The medication doesn’t seem to mask panic attacks, they keep happening. But I am embarrassed, I do feel responsible for them, I punish myself by working out more – cause I can control that, eating less cause I can control that. I get skinner. Do I know this is wrong, YES. But it all goes with depression. I am trying to make myself eat more. I need to change my thinking on depression. It is something that happens. Do your best to cope, Pray. God has been wonderful in holding me.  When I am at my darkest, I have felt God and the prayers of others holding me when I could not hold myself for anything.  Read the Psalms 121 is a good one it helps.  It is also a good distraction and sometimes cleaning the house reading and walking with upbeat music is all you can do to ride the wave.  But it is a wave. Waves come and go; the wave does go, hang in there my friends hang in there.

Please come back and read more.