Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.  Take that as a good sign.  I have been feeling good.  I had a dip the other Thursday, I was on a fishing holiday, being with good friends was wonderful and it melted away.  Today is Sunday.  Happy Canada Day.  I am so tired.  I can not tell you how bad I feel.  I hardly slept last evening.  I had horrible dreams of evil and death and things I can not discribe.  I tossed and turned and eventually became scared to fall asleep. So I didn’t.

I went to church today — we have been out and about for a few weekends so its been a month or so since we have been there.  As I sat there I could feel the darkness slowly sneak up on my and crowd around my back.  It sapped my energy, it confused my mind.  I am in a state of …… I can’t even put words to it.  But I feel broken hearted, I feel confused, I feel like I am unable to concentrate.  The darkness hasn’t been around for a while now– I don’t understand why its here.  As I listened to the service and the sermon I was in a tug of war.  I was being gently lead to step closer to the light, and tugged to hide in the dark.  Its easy to hide in the dark, its easy to curl up give up and hide.  Just a few hours of sleep, some time alone.  Not to be found for the darkness drawnsyou in but there is no peace.  Just a constant stealing of your defences and you.  As the darkness came closer and closer I felt my defences decreasing.  It is this that scares me.  The dreams, the darkness and the confusion.  I fought;  I tried to fight.  I think in the end there was a stale mate.  I am still being hasselled as I write this.

The one lie that kepts going over in my brain is, if God is love he can heal you, but you are not healed so you are not worthy.  I am allowed the depth of this pain for a reason, I don’t understand the reason. If I could touch the hem of the cloak of Jesus I could be healed, like the women in the bible.  I feel like I am reaching– but in reality I am just waveing my arms in the air – blind – confused – and crazy.

Its just a wave a small set back, but if I reinjured a hurt that was purely physical, if I hurt a limb again it would heal because I would do the right things to heal it.  But when there are emotions envolved, you don’t know what to do, how to move forward.

I just hope and pray and meditate that this thorn will be taken away from me and it I am to learn something form it, I pray that I finally figure it out, before I finally lose my mind completely.

till next time…………………

Darkness

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Last week in July 2011


We are mid week in the last week of July.  I was for my follow up with my doctor this week she wants me to up my dose again.  I have now doubled my doseage.  It makes me sad, to be honest that I need to be taking something.   I am a farm girl, I don’t like chemicals and taking them or exposing them to me, pills goes against the grain- so to speak no pun intended. But I have been feeling better and talked myself out of a panic attack the other week so I guess I am proceeding in a positive trend and this will not be forever, so I will roll with it for now.

I have been having sleeping problems. I am only getting 2 to 4 hours a night, I am tired and hate that.  I have been trying to be active.  I don’t run lately and seem to have lost my drive for that, I have stopped working out, I feel guilty for that but as a Mom and women I always feel guilty for that and so much more.

Today I want to talk about thorns.  I had a tough time reconciling my thorn with the power of God.  My thorn, depression; my delima, I have a belief in a God that created the heavens and the earth and yet I have this thorn.  My thorn has shown me the darkness of evil and how smooth and slick it can be.  The darkness has been relenting till now; for now I seem to be better and not near the darkness, as a matter of fact I seem to be smothered in light.  But along with the light is an acute awareness of the heartbreak of others.   Why the thorn.  The apostle Paul asked God three times to remove his thorn.  I have asked God three thousand times at least to remove my thorn.  God answered Paul this way, ” My Grace is sufficient for you” In other words God’s favour, his blessings, his will is sufficient for him.  God has decided that what ever the thorn is that Paul hates, God is not going to take it away, he is leaving it for him and his Love and Will should be enough for Paul.  Thorns do lots for the thorn bearer.   A person learns to adapt to our thorn.  When we adapt we become stronger, we lean on God more.  In other words the thorn makes us a better person and teaches us to rely on God to help us through the rough parts, keeps us humble.  Like a parent allows a child to fall down once in a while so it can learn to stand on its own two feet God also allow us to fall to make us stronger.  But is it ever easy. No Never, why would you allow a child to fall, it will hurt, we don’t want our children to hurt we want to give them everything to make their life easier cause our life wasn’t easy- why not make it better for them.  You end up with spoiled children that expects to be served.  Paul was a proud man his thorn made him rely on God to the point that he was humble and praised God for his thorn because it increased the depth of the relationship between him and God.  The child that is helped never realizes the love that parent really has for him.  The child who falls realizes that he or she learns something and the parent shows him love in a tough love way.

My thorn.  God has taught me that resisting the devil and all his ways doesn’t mean only being good, don’t gossip, don’t steal, don’t swear, these are indeed things that need to be avoided but that isn’t the devil at his best.  Those are little chips at our soul.  When you are at your most vulnerable, when you are depressed and fall in a hole, then the devil prowls around and confuses you and makes you forget what is really important.  Your family, your faith, what you hold dear, even your life.  But resisting means relying on God and his Grace being sufficient.  It has deepened my relationship with him – because I let him deepen it.  I could have walked away yelling you don’t care for me you are self-seeking.  God is seeking, me, my heart, my soul, my life.  Jesus tells us to ask  and it will be given to you, seek and it will be found, knock and it will be open to you.  I’m no talking give me a million dollars.  But if you are in a bad place ask and God will be there, seek and God will draw close, knock and God will open the door for you.  I you need someone to go through this God will be there, he may not take the thorn away from you, but he will give you a way to learn from it and make you a better person.

This is all for now,  August is another month to work through  God Bless you till I write to again.

back from the bush!


A week a way from the city in the bush lands of Arrowhead Provincial Park. It was nice to spend time away from the house the house work ( it is there; big  time now being back and having camping laundry and cleaning to do).  I was a little jittery and I had a few nights that I didn’t sleep.  Those were the bad things, but I coped.   I spent some time alone.  I spent some time with one of my close friends and told her about my condition. She seem to take it ok.  She doesn’t understand it all but she listened.  I spent some quality time with my former Pastor and made some connections that I couldn`t make in my mind which I’ll talk about later.  I also learned some basic life lessons. 

First the life lessons.  When jogging through the bush, on the hiking and cycling trail, do not look up at the large wood pecker in the tree.  Tree roots on the path will trip you and I did a fantastic fall and roll.  When all stopped I was on my back thinking “what the? how did I get here!”  looking at the bird looking at the silly human on the ground No cuts just dirt.  Second life lesson.  Don`t jog with your mouth open, you will catch flys!  Don`t ask how I know!  And what ever I coughed up had better only have been a deer fly–uck.

The connections.  Have you ever been sick and forgot how to take care of yourself?  You get a sore throat, cough, or flu.  You forget to take vitamin C you forget the Advil, or what ever cold/flu remedy you use.  And someone comes along and says why not take what you usually take when your sick—- and you say oh I forgot.  Then smack yourself in the head like that will make things sink in better. When I am heading in a down period.  The devil ( and I am going to call it what it is) will confuse me.  I feel I have a strong faith. I feel God is close to me. I feel a need to be close to him, and I fully give my heart and soul to the creator of the earth and me. That is my statement of faith.  But when I start to fall, he confuses me, he wants me to doubt what I believe and he wants me to lose faith in all that is precious to me.  The faith I have, my marriage, my abilities to be a mother, a lover, a cook, a functioning working women.   I forget the devil likes to confuse me.  I forget how to fight back. I forget how to see the dark from the view of the light, I forget that I can talk myself out of the panic, and anxiety.  I forget that I have good meds to help, and I forget who I am sometimes.  And sometimes I don’t want to remember any of these things cause at that moment you can say I have a mental flu and can’t function.   It all seems too hard and in the darkness I can hide. But in the darkness is the lies and the pain and there is no peace.  So I get up, I must fight back, I must keep my eyes on the light, I must talk myself out of the panic, and take my meds, call my friends,  and pray, and most of all remember I am a functioning, loving person in a dark place that will not swallow me up, because God loves me and you.  There is a line from scripture that says

John 16:33

New International Version (NIV)  Jesus speaking.

   33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

The world is owned in by the prince of darkness, but Jesus overcome him through his suffering and death and resurrection. We can rely on him when we are confused. God has our back.

Does that keep me out of dark holes.  No — God (pardon the country reference) didn’t promise you a rose garden. We struggle cause this world is not perfect. This world is fallen. We will struggle and fall and get up and fall again, and we will get weary but BUT we are loved and we will persevere, and we will fight the good fight. And on the days when we can’t fight pray and God will fight for you.

That sounds like pretty high and mighty words.  But they are God’s words and they are reality.

I will have days I forget with my mental flu; so to speak. I will need my husband to go with me look after me, the darkness will crowd in, but the light will always shine and this is not how God wants me to live my life.  Hiding in the darkness afraid to go forth and conquer.  Maybe not mountains some days, but bit by bit it will happen. Do what you can, all you have to do is your bit.

I am a mixture of positive and negative.  I do believe what I write I also believe that I am far from out of the woods.  I was to the doctors today for my follow up visit.  She feels I am not out of the woods either and has upped my medication for the third time.  She also wants me to be taking my emergency meds more often and not just when I have gone around the bend.  I find this discouraging.  I thought I was doing better but I was slipping today.  I don’t want the meds but I have to.    It is apart of the fighting.  It tires one out. I will take my new dose of meds and see what happens.  I will have a follow up visit with my doctor at the end of September and I will see where I stand then.  If you are in this fight.  Hang on. The fight isn’t easy and it can rip at everything you hold dear.  It has for me but God has put somethings together for me. I hope soon I can have it all together.  I have much more to say about thorns in one’s sides. I hope you’ll come back