Made it through the first week of school and all students ended up in the classes, teachers in right rooms. I survived too. Friday night the blues hit me however, I got home late from work and it hit me like a cold suddenly comes on. I can’t say it was a panic attack I haven’t had one of those in a while but I didn’t fall into a deep hole of depression, I just suddenly felt very very sad. I could have shut myself off and hid in my bed room for the weekend. I guess it was more anxiety like.
My husband who is wonderful but is sometimes overly sensitive to my moods detected it right off. I didn’t want to be around people, but there was a band that we loved, playing at a restaurant and he insisted we go. The band plays the blues-you may be thinking really! Last thing you need when you feel blue, but it really picked me up. We sat on a patio listening to the band watching a full moon rise sipping on a glass of wine. It was nice and I think it was what I needed.
Saturday, was a Jazz festival in town and we went for the afternoon to listen to different bands and ran into lots of people we knew, it was fun but after 4 hours I was done with people and needed to go home. We bbq’d and had a nice dinner with our kids. Had a camp fire and off to bed.
Sunday Rally day at church. I Couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be with all those people I was still feeling blue nothing like Friday but I couldn’t spend a couple of hours smiling. I talked my husband into letting me stay home. It was relieving. I felt guilty but I just wanted sometime alone. As for the rest of the day, there was more Jazz Festival events that my husband wanted to attend but I still couldn’t do it so we settled for sitting in our sunny yard doing a few chores and having a little ride on the motorcycle in the evening. By Monday I was feeling better.
In the end it was a good thing, I am speaking at a Women’s Conference this Sat at my church so I needed to write my script which I did and God was gracious and flowed through me what he wanted me to say in it. I am excited to speak. Its something I wanted to do and I am humbled and pleased to have the opportunity. The writing and the opportunity makes me feel normal. The only thing I am worried about is my shaky hands. But I have a stand so if they get bad I will just hold on and plunge forward.
The rest of this week started good. Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I have had this creeping sadness again. I am not sure what it’s all about.
What I do know. I am not in a hole, I have not had any panic attacks lately. I have not felt darkness surrounding me. I have been able to shop by myself and not panic or get stuck in the store. I have felt anxiety lately. I have felt anxious at work a couple of times. Its different from panic. When I am anxious my heart races and I shake ( like that ever really stops, but the more I shake the more anxious I am) The shaking is becoming an indicator like the rector scale. I have taken almost all my anxiety meds. I see the Doctor on monday so I hope to get more. Actually I hope to get something different that helps me come up when I fall down. This is my last time. I know these things take time to get the right combo, but if it doesn`t work this round I am going off it all. Maybe that makes no sence. But I just want me to be me again. I hate being this scared little girl who gets paranoid about so many things, and demands reassurance after reassurance that she is doing ok. Cause I don`t feel ok. Its been so long since I have felt my confident self that I doubt every thing. Maybe this is just the anxiety talking. Maybe I do need to seek the counseling. I have the numbers I just don`t want to call, cause it is admission that I can`t handle this on my own and its an admission that I am incapable. So I sit and stare at them. Ya I know that will help!!! sarcasm!
How am I going get up infront of 40 some women and speak on Sat. Well believe it or not that will be easy. The words I got for the presentation were directly from God. I sat down Sunday morning and asked God to lead me the topic is fellowship and the ideas just fell together and I wrote over 3500 words in 2 hours. I can do this confidently cause its not me, its God`s. I am talking about all of the wonderful things he has done in my life. God gave me the words, he will give me the confidence.
As for the rest of my life I need to rely on the same source of strength. But again that is what depression does it strips away our confidence, our drive. makes us paranoid, unsure. That is what resisting of the devil that is hardest, cause its my mind he is playing in. Its my thoughts that he is warping, and sometimes you can`t tell the difference between my thoughts and the warped thoughts the devil is putting in me. I am luck to have a husband that keeps asking me `what is truth`If I can find my thoughts as truth in the bible then I am ok. I have to remember the fruits of the spirit, cause they are the basis of truth. Love Goodness faithfulness Gentleness and Self-control. These are the truths. If I can`t relate the thoughts going through my head to these truths then the thoughts are not of God but evil. That sounds like I have no control over my mind. None of us do really. The thoughts of our mind are formed by our sinful emotional self. If we want to have thoughts that conform to God we need to look to God conform to his thoughts and look to him for direction. When our thoughts go against the fruits of the spirit then we have allowed the devil and his ways to suggest that we pull away from Godly thoughts.
This sounds like spooky hocus pocus. But let me ask you this. How many TV shows are based on evil people doing evil things? Do you believe in evil? ( If not watch the news) Do you believe in darkness? Science tells us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Would it not be from a scientific point of view that if there is darkness there is light. If there is evil isn`t there good. If there is a devil isn`t there a God would all those thoughts be so far-fetched ? I don’t think so. What do I think- well if you read any of these blogs you know.
I lift my eyes to the hills where does my help come It comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and earth.
God is the maker of heaven and earth, his son is the Way the Truth and the Life.
Gods blessings till next time– after the doctor!