Last week was so exhausting. It was hard to keep things together. This week is all about me. I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago. I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit. I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight. I made a point of not rushing anything. I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper. Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly. I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great. Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”
I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came. I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went. I asked my friend to sit beside me. It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield. God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief, I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me. In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before. I guess that is the main thing.
I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith. This depression is such an ever-changing thing. I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore. I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that. It is attacks. When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people. I become afraid of them. That is how it always begins. Then the negativity starts. The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong. I can’t sort out truth from lies. This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack. It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything. You can’t remember things, I can’t talk. I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that. It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what one speck is from another and where or it should be.
So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow. I will finish my dining room table. I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.
till next time……..