I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go. I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon. I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work. I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts. It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something. I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others. It was such a singular thought. If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like? I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind. It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me. It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming . That is what shocked me today. You feel nothing. I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot. It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.
Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought. I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.
So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.