Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly. Its been a slow progression over the past week. I have not been feeling well. A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs. I can’t seem to get them straight. I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices. I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest. My memory seems to be sipping. I do know I drank a lot of red wine. Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep. In black and white it reads so stupid. I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat. I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear. I have to stop. I don’t know if I can. Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine. We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong. All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it. The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop. They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep. I just lay there looking at the ceiling. Blinking.
If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy. This is hard to read and or understand. As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy. I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now. My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days. He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine. There are many areas of my life he has taken over. That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too. He doesn’t say it but I can see it. So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months. My Husband is coming too. He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out. I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that. I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause. She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her. I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely. She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on. Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with. Very vaguely. Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants. I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication. She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal. It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
So where is God, and where am I. God is always where he should be. He is loving me and sending people to love and help me. God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it. Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking. I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet. With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.
My heart really does ache for you. You are what i was 12 years ago. It is hard to explain to others when you don’t have a clue yourself what is happening. I had every possible symptom imaginable and then created some of my own. It was the worst 5-8 years of my life; but I got through it and so will you. I still can’t explain it, but it was all God who pulled me up out of all the pits I was in physically and emotionally. You are strong in your faith; you have great support. God is with you even when you can’t find him. And you are not crazy. Look to the other side of this. Reach for God as often as you feel you have the strength. And when your strength wanes, he will be there.