Boxing day, no one got hurt


Boxing day is over and that was the day that I had my husbands and my extended families over.  It was the most stressful day of the whole Christmas season.  Both sides of the family were fussing coming up to this day and I was very angry with the family and how they were acting.  I was ready to call the whole thing off but we proceeded and to be honest the whole thing went great.  At least the day was great.  I woke up peaceful that morning and really didn’t feel stressed out.  We did our cleaning of the house and got ourselves ready and I just started to cook and prepare food one thing at a time.  I just puttzed along and had a sip of tea, then water worked my way up to a glass of wine it was really good.  No sitdown dinner – I asked everyone to come and party.  We asked for no presents just come over and have some fun it seemed to work, everyone seem to be in a good mood and enjoyed

Later my husband and I sat back and looked over our Christmas break, it was a good one.  We got to spend some quality time with our kids.  We got to spend some time together, we got to connect with friends.  We spent some time at church and enjoy our favorate services.  Family during the break were ok and I did enjoy it.

I think the reason I enjoyed it so much was I managed to give over the control to God.  I was so confused before Christmas.  Its funny now that I think about it from this point in time.  Before Christmas I was despeate and confused I wanted to understand and if I understood, I could fight the hurt that I felt in my heart.  It was clinched so tight and I was so wound up and in a panic.  When I sat down with my pastor and was expressing my confusion, I couldn’t put it into words as to what my confusion was over.  Sounds like panic over nothing–but in my mind and in my heart and the physical responses I was confused.  The devil is a master of it.  When my pastor told me that he summed up my confusion over trust and I should  allow God to take over, I felt like I had a ah ha moment.  You know one of those moments when you hit yourself in the forhead with the palm of your hand.  The darkness had me so confused that I only knew I had to be incontrol and when I could solve the mystery and understand the bible verse and set myself free from the confusion.  I was trying so hard to trust in me to try to make my mind make sence, to try to control my ups and down I couldn’t do it.  Pastor said trust in God just Trust in him.  Don’t try to control the things you can’t and give it to God.  I went home and thought it over meditated on it, I could feel the release.  I held to my convictions to give it to God  I spoke my beliefs in church in prayers at home, and even though I was still going up and down as I finished the week I was starting to feel better.

I also started to take more of one of my medications and I think that helped too.

So today I feel ok, made it through Christmas and I am starting to feel a little better – No ghosts following me this year — confusion– the devil is good at that, but God’s love is always with me.  you just have to let it go, and give it to him.

 

till next time

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December 2012


So its December now and I was decorating the house and getting into Christmas mode this past weekend.  I was thinking about the Season as it approached and the Ghosts of Christmas past.  I wrote a lot about the negitiveness that followed me over the past years.  My Depression started in full force two Christmas’ ago and I was thinking as I sorted through the good decorations and tired ones, where am I this year.   (Sorting was the theme of the day at my house this past weekend)

I am not in the movie “A Christmas Carol” this year.  The Ghosts are not here or near this time.  I am in a better place.  I think some of it has to do with breaking tradition and running away last year to Mexico with my husband and kids for a week.  This year I am breaking of tradition again.  I think this is what is helping me this year.   I have redefined my Christmas story.  How I want to celebrate it, even what  bible vs to define it.

 I will explain.  We have done the traditional things each year.  We help out with Care and Share at our church and attend the kids program for Christmas Eve service at 7:30 and then we head to our neighbours for a drink and home.  Christmas day has always been a back and forth thing.  The day at one parents, boxing day at the other side, and both sides of the family take turns hosting.  Same old same old.  The last time we did this I was deeply depressed didn’t have a diagnosis and didn’t know what was wrong with me, and was not on medication.  My husband’s family saw this as a pout fest on my part and I was ridiculed for being anti social.  My side of the family we decided to stop the Christmas gift exchange and have a gift party, or rodeo.  Buy a gift, no name, but wrapped, play a game to see who gets it.  My sister-in-law showed up with 4 of the same gifts.  It wasn’t that exciting.  She got mad cause she realized she didn’t understand the game.  A day later we were back at home and I had been begging my husband to go to Florida instead for Christmas.  He conceded and said that maybe we should have gone.  I cried for an hour.

 Last year we went to Mexico the 4 of us as a family.  It was wonderful. A week in the sun at a resort. We were all so happy and all relaxed it was the best thing we ever did as a family.  We told the rest of the family that they were to continue on their own and not to buy us anything cause we were spending all our money on this trip.  BEST thing ever.  It was a real bonding time with the kids especially as one is now in college, 4 hour drive away, and the other is working part time and in grade 11.

This year I decided to try something different.  It is my year to host on both sides of the family, believe it or not this is a blessing from God.  Boxing Day I am having a Family Christmas Party.  Inviting both sides of the family on the same day and party. I sent out invitations, asked them not to bring presents, but come prepared to have some fun and a celebration of family. No sit down dinner, lots of appetizers.  We have some games to play and it should (praying to God for this one) be Great.  In the process of my husband and I discussing this I started to get excited about Christmas.  I have to say I haven’t said that in a few years.  It really has felt liberating.  No running around finding stuff no one wants. No menu prep for large dinners.  The lack of shopping and the more we have spent time just enjoying the season the better it is getting.  Well its only December 3rd I am praying for this.  My only fear is not the season and what it will do to me I think I am ready to face it.  Well at least today I am ready.  My fear is that I have become chemically unbalanced and have a fall. 

I also have one family member who does not understand what I am going through.  I have tried to tell her – three times I have tried to tell her—she thinks I am angry at her and hate her and she does not hear anything I say to her.  I do not on both accounts. (hate or angry at her) I would just like to finish a sentence so she gets it.  I have come to realize that sometimes its better not to even try, some people don’t hear, period, unless its about them.

Sunday the phrase “doing it for God” came out in some bible readings.  Do all you do for God, has always been a hard thing to grasp.  But I saw it with clarity on Sunday.  I have always thought do everything you do to the Glory of God.  Forgiveness to the nith degree, Loving everyone to the nith degree, Doing my Job, raising my kids, etc. etc. to the nith perfect degree.  It has always put a burden on me.  I have a hard time trying to connect doing something — for God, and trying very hard but mostly failing at it and feeling like I am letting God down. Yesterday, however,  it struck me that I decorated my house for Christmas to the Glory of God.  It was so easy. I didn’t clutter my house with lots of stuff,  I didn’t over decorate,  I had thrown out a lot of old stuff I strung every where.  I just decorated simply to please God not anyone else.  I did it for the happiness of the season, and God filled me with stress free, liberating, joy.  It was amazing.   It seems like a simple thing.  God wants the simple things.  Two years ago I took a couple of things out kicked the rest in the storage room and didn’t really do much.  Last year I did just as much cause we were going away for Christmas.  This year I pulled everything out, used the best of what I had and decorated for God.

This has put me in a real sense of peace for this week.  I can’t say that I am on top of the world.  There are a few dips this week but for the most part it is not darkness approaching its a case of feeling a little sad, but I have been able to shake it off.

 

That is all for now, till next time……………………

 

 

 

The Night Before Christmas


Well here we are the night before christmas so to speak.  Just before we leave on Vacation and I know I am running away.  I spoke to my Brother-in-law today.  The family is fighting cause people are not caving to what others want.  My Mother is spending Christmas day alone cause we are away.  Other family will be there on the 26.  I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past.  To top it off I have had a stressful week at work implimating a new process at work and making it work.  I am ready to run.  It concerns me at to the running.  Maybe I think too much but here is the low down.  I can get away this year but what about next year??? I have to face my fears and spend Christmas here.

 

That isn’t it really my panic its from two things.  First I have been sad all week and have been trying really hard to be better.  And secondly I am  confronted by the facts that I am ill with this depression – and I have to go back to therapy.  My adjustments oin meds have made me more awake when I get up and I think that I can start working out again.  But I have been shaky this week and its been a tough week to keep myself on track  and not being sad.  I feel like I could cry evey day this week but it never comes. I feel like I don’t know what to do. This is not unknown words I have written.  These are not unknown feeling I have written about. These sound whiny and self pitying. I am pathetic! but the bottom line is again one more time I express how fustrated I am when the “mood “comes one and I can not control it.  This week I walked out on supper with my kids cause I couldn’t continue with out crying.  I hid in my room for most of the night. I feel like a failure because I can not control my emotions.  Pathic and whiny that is how I have seen myself this week I know that is not truth but its the feeling this week.

I think it us important to understand that feelings lie to us and the devil takes them and messes with us.

tonight I only have a short blog to say.  There are ghosts of Christmas past that need to be delt with.  Maybe in the next 365 days I can come to reason for with them

 

God Bless you Have a very Merry Christmas —- remember Jesus is the reason for the season!!!

December — already!!!


December already, how did that happen. Hard to believe it is that time already.  This weekend I don’t have much happening so its a good time to decorate the house — well clean the house first and then decorate for christmas.  Its a weird Christmas this year.  We are going to Mexico for Christmas, land in there a couple days before and leave before New Years.   I am starting to get excited for the adventure. I am going to miss my friends and my Mother but it makes for a real breaking of traditions. We are not buying a tree this year, no point.  I have this huge Ficus tree that already has pin lights on it so we are just going to add to it.  No presents to buy.  We told everyone not to buy for us we would not buy for them.  No Christmas shopping – It is really neat.  No cards to send we decided we would take a picture on holidays and mail them out when we got back as Happy New Year pictures.  There are some things I will miss but this is a once in a life time thing, so its ok.  Its kinda nice to shake up Christmas.

Last year I had my breakdown before Christmas and was so depressed I couldn’t bearly function.  I hated the holidays last year. I couldn’t stand the carols, the decorating, the services, the parties, the food. It all just was too much to swallow.

This year is so much different. Since my prayer meeting with my pastor and best friend, I have been feeling more and more like me.  I canceled my therapy meeting for next week.  I have been feeling good and with Christmas coming up I am a little busy to be driving across the city, for now.  I was standing in Canadian Tire this morning with my husband, I was listening to a christmas song with a sax in it, it was so pretty and then I felt a very soft little pop.  I was waiting for my husband to make up his mind as to what bulb to buy for the van lights and just thinking about God and my previous day’s devotions and half listening to the music and suddenly I felt excited for Christmas. Not because we have this big trip planned but just excited about the event its self.  The services at church the getting together with people, the parties we are going to, the little things I want to do to make christmas special for the kids.  It was all very neat, and foreign.  At first I was hey what does that mean.  Then I had this thought “I like Christmas” and then I rethought the thought and Yes I do like Christmas.  I know this sounds weird but here’s the thing.  I hated Christmas last year and for the rest of the year I kept thinking about how the depression started and how it was at the Christmas time of year and I have been putting such negative energy and thoughts around the Holiday that I was a little taken a back when I decided that I like Christmas this year.  The only thing that grieves me is I will be missing two of my favorite services, and my friends. To think about it now makes me a little sad, but I will be sitting on a beach in the sun so maybe I can live with

In the end I am feeling more and more like me, is it God, is it I am getting adjusted to the drugs, is it the therapy I have had, is it a combination of all of the above?  — well yes but I think that my prayer meeting with the 4 of us has made the most difference.  It was such a powerful prayer meeting– it is defiantly a do over. I think God is giving me a peace I haven’t had in a while and that is wonderful, as for therapy– not sure what to think yet.

This is all i have to say for now – have a great weekend