December 2012


So its December now and I was decorating the house and getting into Christmas mode this past weekend.  I was thinking about the Season as it approached and the Ghosts of Christmas past.  I wrote a lot about the negitiveness that followed me over the past years.  My Depression started in full force two Christmas’ ago and I was thinking as I sorted through the good decorations and tired ones, where am I this year.   (Sorting was the theme of the day at my house this past weekend)

I am not in the movie “A Christmas Carol” this year.  The Ghosts are not here or near this time.  I am in a better place.  I think some of it has to do with breaking tradition and running away last year to Mexico with my husband and kids for a week.  This year I am breaking of tradition again.  I think this is what is helping me this year.   I have redefined my Christmas story.  How I want to celebrate it, even what  bible vs to define it.

 I will explain.  We have done the traditional things each year.  We help out with Care and Share at our church and attend the kids program for Christmas Eve service at 7:30 and then we head to our neighbours for a drink and home.  Christmas day has always been a back and forth thing.  The day at one parents, boxing day at the other side, and both sides of the family take turns hosting.  Same old same old.  The last time we did this I was deeply depressed didn’t have a diagnosis and didn’t know what was wrong with me, and was not on medication.  My husband’s family saw this as a pout fest on my part and I was ridiculed for being anti social.  My side of the family we decided to stop the Christmas gift exchange and have a gift party, or rodeo.  Buy a gift, no name, but wrapped, play a game to see who gets it.  My sister-in-law showed up with 4 of the same gifts.  It wasn’t that exciting.  She got mad cause she realized she didn’t understand the game.  A day later we were back at home and I had been begging my husband to go to Florida instead for Christmas.  He conceded and said that maybe we should have gone.  I cried for an hour.

 Last year we went to Mexico the 4 of us as a family.  It was wonderful. A week in the sun at a resort. We were all so happy and all relaxed it was the best thing we ever did as a family.  We told the rest of the family that they were to continue on their own and not to buy us anything cause we were spending all our money on this trip.  BEST thing ever.  It was a real bonding time with the kids especially as one is now in college, 4 hour drive away, and the other is working part time and in grade 11.

This year I decided to try something different.  It is my year to host on both sides of the family, believe it or not this is a blessing from God.  Boxing Day I am having a Family Christmas Party.  Inviting both sides of the family on the same day and party. I sent out invitations, asked them not to bring presents, but come prepared to have some fun and a celebration of family. No sit down dinner, lots of appetizers.  We have some games to play and it should (praying to God for this one) be Great.  In the process of my husband and I discussing this I started to get excited about Christmas.  I have to say I haven’t said that in a few years.  It really has felt liberating.  No running around finding stuff no one wants. No menu prep for large dinners.  The lack of shopping and the more we have spent time just enjoying the season the better it is getting.  Well its only December 3rd I am praying for this.  My only fear is not the season and what it will do to me I think I am ready to face it.  Well at least today I am ready.  My fear is that I have become chemically unbalanced and have a fall. 

I also have one family member who does not understand what I am going through.  I have tried to tell her – three times I have tried to tell her—she thinks I am angry at her and hate her and she does not hear anything I say to her.  I do not on both accounts. (hate or angry at her) I would just like to finish a sentence so she gets it.  I have come to realize that sometimes its better not to even try, some people don’t hear, period, unless its about them.

Sunday the phrase “doing it for God” came out in some bible readings.  Do all you do for God, has always been a hard thing to grasp.  But I saw it with clarity on Sunday.  I have always thought do everything you do to the Glory of God.  Forgiveness to the nith degree, Loving everyone to the nith degree, Doing my Job, raising my kids, etc. etc. to the nith perfect degree.  It has always put a burden on me.  I have a hard time trying to connect doing something — for God, and trying very hard but mostly failing at it and feeling like I am letting God down. Yesterday, however,  it struck me that I decorated my house for Christmas to the Glory of God.  It was so easy. I didn’t clutter my house with lots of stuff,  I didn’t over decorate,  I had thrown out a lot of old stuff I strung every where.  I just decorated simply to please God not anyone else.  I did it for the happiness of the season, and God filled me with stress free, liberating, joy.  It was amazing.   It seems like a simple thing.  God wants the simple things.  Two years ago I took a couple of things out kicked the rest in the storage room and didn’t really do much.  Last year I did just as much cause we were going away for Christmas.  This year I pulled everything out, used the best of what I had and decorated for God.

This has put me in a real sense of peace for this week.  I can’t say that I am on top of the world.  There are a few dips this week but for the most part it is not darkness approaching its a case of feeling a little sad, but I have been able to shake it off.

 

That is all for now, till next time……………………

 

 

 

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