December 2012


So its December now and I was decorating the house and getting into Christmas mode this past weekend.  I was thinking about the Season as it approached and the Ghosts of Christmas past.  I wrote a lot about the negitiveness that followed me over the past years.  My Depression started in full force two Christmas’ ago and I was thinking as I sorted through the good decorations and tired ones, where am I this year.   (Sorting was the theme of the day at my house this past weekend)

I am not in the movie “A Christmas Carol” this year.  The Ghosts are not here or near this time.  I am in a better place.  I think some of it has to do with breaking tradition and running away last year to Mexico with my husband and kids for a week.  This year I am breaking of tradition again.  I think this is what is helping me this year.   I have redefined my Christmas story.  How I want to celebrate it, even what  bible vs to define it.

 I will explain.  We have done the traditional things each year.  We help out with Care and Share at our church and attend the kids program for Christmas Eve service at 7:30 and then we head to our neighbours for a drink and home.  Christmas day has always been a back and forth thing.  The day at one parents, boxing day at the other side, and both sides of the family take turns hosting.  Same old same old.  The last time we did this I was deeply depressed didn’t have a diagnosis and didn’t know what was wrong with me, and was not on medication.  My husband’s family saw this as a pout fest on my part and I was ridiculed for being anti social.  My side of the family we decided to stop the Christmas gift exchange and have a gift party, or rodeo.  Buy a gift, no name, but wrapped, play a game to see who gets it.  My sister-in-law showed up with 4 of the same gifts.  It wasn’t that exciting.  She got mad cause she realized she didn’t understand the game.  A day later we were back at home and I had been begging my husband to go to Florida instead for Christmas.  He conceded and said that maybe we should have gone.  I cried for an hour.

 Last year we went to Mexico the 4 of us as a family.  It was wonderful. A week in the sun at a resort. We were all so happy and all relaxed it was the best thing we ever did as a family.  We told the rest of the family that they were to continue on their own and not to buy us anything cause we were spending all our money on this trip.  BEST thing ever.  It was a real bonding time with the kids especially as one is now in college, 4 hour drive away, and the other is working part time and in grade 11.

This year I decided to try something different.  It is my year to host on both sides of the family, believe it or not this is a blessing from God.  Boxing Day I am having a Family Christmas Party.  Inviting both sides of the family on the same day and party. I sent out invitations, asked them not to bring presents, but come prepared to have some fun and a celebration of family. No sit down dinner, lots of appetizers.  We have some games to play and it should (praying to God for this one) be Great.  In the process of my husband and I discussing this I started to get excited about Christmas.  I have to say I haven’t said that in a few years.  It really has felt liberating.  No running around finding stuff no one wants. No menu prep for large dinners.  The lack of shopping and the more we have spent time just enjoying the season the better it is getting.  Well its only December 3rd I am praying for this.  My only fear is not the season and what it will do to me I think I am ready to face it.  Well at least today I am ready.  My fear is that I have become chemically unbalanced and have a fall. 

I also have one family member who does not understand what I am going through.  I have tried to tell her – three times I have tried to tell her—she thinks I am angry at her and hate her and she does not hear anything I say to her.  I do not on both accounts. (hate or angry at her) I would just like to finish a sentence so she gets it.  I have come to realize that sometimes its better not to even try, some people don’t hear, period, unless its about them.

Sunday the phrase “doing it for God” came out in some bible readings.  Do all you do for God, has always been a hard thing to grasp.  But I saw it with clarity on Sunday.  I have always thought do everything you do to the Glory of God.  Forgiveness to the nith degree, Loving everyone to the nith degree, Doing my Job, raising my kids, etc. etc. to the nith perfect degree.  It has always put a burden on me.  I have a hard time trying to connect doing something — for God, and trying very hard but mostly failing at it and feeling like I am letting God down. Yesterday, however,  it struck me that I decorated my house for Christmas to the Glory of God.  It was so easy. I didn’t clutter my house with lots of stuff,  I didn’t over decorate,  I had thrown out a lot of old stuff I strung every where.  I just decorated simply to please God not anyone else.  I did it for the happiness of the season, and God filled me with stress free, liberating, joy.  It was amazing.   It seems like a simple thing.  God wants the simple things.  Two years ago I took a couple of things out kicked the rest in the storage room and didn’t really do much.  Last year I did just as much cause we were going away for Christmas.  This year I pulled everything out, used the best of what I had and decorated for God.

This has put me in a real sense of peace for this week.  I can’t say that I am on top of the world.  There are a few dips this week but for the most part it is not darkness approaching its a case of feeling a little sad, but I have been able to shake it off.

 

That is all for now, till next time……………………

 

 

 

The Night Before Christmas


Well here we are the night before christmas so to speak.  Just before we leave on Vacation and I know I am running away.  I spoke to my Brother-in-law today.  The family is fighting cause people are not caving to what others want.  My Mother is spending Christmas day alone cause we are away.  Other family will be there on the 26.  I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past.  To top it off I have had a stressful week at work implimating a new process at work and making it work.  I am ready to run.  It concerns me at to the running.  Maybe I think too much but here is the low down.  I can get away this year but what about next year??? I have to face my fears and spend Christmas here.

 

That isn’t it really my panic its from two things.  First I have been sad all week and have been trying really hard to be better.  And secondly I am  confronted by the facts that I am ill with this depression – and I have to go back to therapy.  My adjustments oin meds have made me more awake when I get up and I think that I can start working out again.  But I have been shaky this week and its been a tough week to keep myself on track  and not being sad.  I feel like I could cry evey day this week but it never comes. I feel like I don’t know what to do. This is not unknown words I have written.  These are not unknown feeling I have written about. These sound whiny and self pitying. I am pathetic! but the bottom line is again one more time I express how fustrated I am when the “mood “comes one and I can not control it.  This week I walked out on supper with my kids cause I couldn’t continue with out crying.  I hid in my room for most of the night. I feel like a failure because I can not control my emotions.  Pathic and whiny that is how I have seen myself this week I know that is not truth but its the feeling this week.

I think it us important to understand that feelings lie to us and the devil takes them and messes with us.

tonight I only have a short blog to say.  There are ghosts of Christmas past that need to be delt with.  Maybe in the next 365 days I can come to reason for with them

 

God Bless you Have a very Merry Christmas —- remember Jesus is the reason for the season!!!

I will put you in a cleft in the rock.


Exodus 33:21-22 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by”

A cleft in a rock, a port in a storm. What is it we are really looking for in life? We are looking for a place of safety.  We desire to work for a good company because we wish to have job security.  We look for a safe place to live because we wish to have  peace when we lay our head down at night, a place that is safe for our kids to play in, a safe place to purchase our food.  We as humans desire three things as our most basic needs Food, Shelter, Safety.  Along with our basic needs as humans there are some things in life we can not shake. Death and Taxes, but there are other absolute truths we need to also acknowledge.  One, there is a God, he is the creator of the heavens and the earth. Secondly, He can not lie, he is truth, and when he makes a promise it is never broken.

What does this have to do with depression.  When I am in my dark hole of depression; if you have been there, you know deep in your heart that evil prowls around you like a lion.  Your mind fails you, your body fails you, what do you trust?  Friends, family they will also disappoint they will fail. Who do you trust, who do you turn to who will never leave you –God.  Please read Psalm 121

 
Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.

 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.

The Lord will keep you from all harm.  When you are in the depths of depression I know its hard to feel God holding you.  If you have never asked, maybe now is the time.  If you suffer from depression and feel the darkness closing in- you know there is also light.  Maybe you have never acknowledged it before. Maybe you don’t believe in God.  But you know there is darkness. Would it be so hard to believe there is light? Try a prayer.  when you are in the pit of dark, ask God to send you his light.  He is there holding you waiting for you to acknowledge Him.  Its like a Christmas present unseen under the tree waiting to be discovered. It is a free gift, opening it. In the pit of darkness what have you to lose?

But I do promise you this if you open this present, God will never break his promise.  God takes all and turns it to His good.  What he requires from you is acknowledgement that his exists, and an invitation to your open heart.

I have had some dark nights.  Nights where I didn’t think God was there. Nights where I could feel and see evil wanting to devour me. A shadow of darkness that follows you around like a shadow. If you read the poetry I have written in previous posts you can see how dark it has been. But God put me in a cleft in a rock so I could be protected and his Glory could shine.  God has promised that in Psalm 121 we would be protected. And God never breaks a promise.  When I could not pray or even groan, God gave me friends that prayed for me. Those nights I thought were the end of me, I never thought I could move to another day. I thought the darkness would swallow me up.   Seek his peace.  It will not protect you from the next panic attack- I still suffer, I still fall down some pretty deep holes, but I do have God to help me pick up the pieces, and each time we do I get  a little stronger. he provides me with hope that I will overcome this darkness, but think of this.  You would never know there was darkness if you didn’t have a light. God is that light, and so is his son Jesus.   but I’ll talk more on that next time.

Please come back again, I want to talk about holding on to Gods promises next time- till then God’s Peace to you