Well here we are the night before christmas so to speak.  Just before we leave on Vacation and I know I am running away.  I spoke to my Brother-in-law today.  The family is fighting cause people are not caving to what others want.  My Mother is spending Christmas day alone cause we are away.  Other family will be there on the 26.  I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past.  To top it off I have had a stressful week at work implimating a new process at work and making it work.  I am ready to run.  It concerns me at to the running.  Maybe I think too much but here is the low down.  I can get away this year but what about next year??? I have to face my fears and spend Christmas here.

That isn’t it really my panic its from two things.  First I have been sad all week and have been trying really hard to be better.  And secondly I am  confronted by the facts that I am ill with this depression – and I have to go back to therapy.  My adjustments oin meds have made me more awake when I get up and I think that I can start working out again.  But I have been shaky this week and its been a tough week to keep myself on track  and not being sad.  I feel like I could cry evey day this week but it never comes. I feel like I don’t know what to do. This is not unknown words I have written.  These are not unknown feeling I have written about. These sound whiny and self pitying. I am pathetic! but the bottom line is again one more time I express how fustrated I am when the “mood “comes one and I can not control it.  This week I walked out on supper with my kids cause I couldn’t continue with out crying.  I hid in my room for most of the night. I feel like a failure because I can not control my emotions.  Pathic and whiny that is how I have seen myself this week I know that is not truth but its the feeling this week.

I think it us important to understand that feelings lie to us and the devil takes them and messes with us.

tonight I only have a short blog to say.  There are ghosts of Christmas past that need to be delt with.  Maybe in the next 365 days I can come to reason for with them

God Bless you Have a very Merry Christmas —- remember Jesus is the reason for the season!!!