Here we are at Tuesday, last night I got 4 hours sleep.  At work today and carrying on best I can.   As the days pass and the lack of sleep sets in, I become more numb.  I went to my work out last night — Insanity –that is the work out name –ironic eh? but it is a work out of weights and cardo, not fluffy I should be tried, and I was tired last evening.  Came home cleaned up the kitchen, scrubbed the bathroom, trying to wear myself out.  It didn’t help.

My body trembles today, blaming a lack of sleep.  My mouth and my mind seem to be disjointed.  I have the idea, but can not get the words to come out of my mouth.  I start a conversation but I can not describe what I am talking about.  Example, If I am talking about a room, or place I can say “hey what is happening with the ….. I can’t name the place or person. Its concerning, makes me look incompetent, and I am sure the person I am talking to is thinking ok just spit it out.

I made a comment on face book about having a bad day and my husband bringing me a rose.  Unlike him and how wonderful.  my mother called last night to see if I was ok.  She told me to not stress out and stop doing so much, cut back a bit.  -_-

My husband  wants to take me to the doctor.  To do what?   They can’t do anything.  Then he suggested it take some stress leave.  To what end? I may get some rest but then people will know what is wrong with me and how do I gain that respect back.  It would be my bosses who would know – I can’t do that.   I am the go to person in the office – I leave on stress leave, boom all respectability gone.  My husband suggested hospital, same thing.  So I am not going.

I am writing this day by day blog of this episode so those who have been through this can feel they are not alone, and that the ones who don’t understand can get inside the head os someone suffering.  I think the loneliness of it all is the  hardest thing of all.  I have family and friends supporting me, I don’t want to think what that would be like if I didn’t, but even at that, your mind is a whirlwind of disjointed thoughts, pain, negativity. There are parts of the day where I feel better my son called me earlier from college, he is very sarcastic in a funny way and makes me laugh, it brightened my day to hear his voice.  Right now I feel this sinking feeling–the physical side of depression.  I was having a discussion with a student at school this morning where I was agreeing with her about something  (i can’t for the life of me remember right now what we were talking about) but was about to say to her  I’ve  done the same thing – and then I couldn’t remember where or when this ‘same thing’  happened.  Now I am not sure I ever did have it happen, was it a dream? or have i just forgot.  I am sitting here right now and I can’t  honestly remember.  And that is the scary part.  Things happen in the evening I don’t remember.  Black moments in time.

till next time


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