Last night I was hoping for sleep– I went to bed at 11:30 pm I fell asleep at 1:30 am, woke up at 3:30am and blinked at the ceiling till 6:30. When I don’t sleep I have a eyebrow that twitches, I feel like I have a wiggling caterpiller on my brow. I am ready to rip it off my face and fling. I feel like I am giving everyone a “come on look” because I can see it moving, but others say they don’t. In a sleep deprived way its funny. Thank God its funny cause I am in such a miserable mood that something has to make me smile. I am short-tempered and numb. just numb. I have had encouraging conversations with friends. they are wonderful friends….and their words help, but I can’t get through the tough outer layer that is numbness. Like knowing you have a cheek that is numb by the dentist. You know you have a cheek, you touch the cheek and see the cheek, but don’t feel the cheek. Because of the numbness when you do not touch or see you feel it’s not there– kinda like parts of my heart.
I feel like I my feet are stuck in cement, and before me are the paths of my life. I want to help people, I want to be involved, I have things I want to do, maybe even clean my house. I am stuck, I see the paths drifting away and can’t move on with things. I see life moving. Kids growing up, one moved away, people having babies, getting married, working, changeling jobs, creating, living. I lean forward to touch the ground where the journey starts but I can not slide out of the cement. Seven years ago when I went through a career change I dreamed of planes taking off. I was a pilot and was at the controls, I could feel the thrill of the take off and the security of the landing it was wonderful and it filled me with confidence to do stuff, play music at church and be apart of biblestudies. Some days I can’t get out of the house. I felt assured by God that I was on the right paths. I still love my job but my confidence is gone.
The thing that bothers me is my memory. I don’t remember things or conversations sometimes I have periods of time I don’t remember. Last week I came home did some things and went to bed. I woke up the next morning in a panic telling my daughter that I had to give her money for lunch cause I didn’t make it. She said “Mom I watched you make my lunch we sat at the counter and talked for half an hour before you went to bed. I remember nothing…..my daughter thinks I lost my mind — maybe she is right.
As for now, I retrace my steps over and over to make sure I did what I wanted to do and repeat myself over and over to make sure that I said what I wanted to say and I didn’t say it in my mind. That happens a lot too. Its hard not to act crazy when you are acting crazy.
till next time…..