Last night I was in a bit of a hole. Not a deep one, more of a puddle. I was slipping most of the day I was doing my best to ignore the negative voices, I went to church and tried and tried to concentrate on the sermon but I could not. Everything was jumbled and I couldn”t make sence of it. I know why- After the service my husband my best friend and my pastor were getting together to pray, in our mini but powerful prayer circle. It happened last time we got together. The Devil knows we were up to something and I was so agitated last time I shook all day. Last night no so much shaking but garbled, and I felt my heart was breaking under the weight of brokeness, not only mine, but of some of those around me. I came home cuddled my honey and went to sleep and I slept for a change. I got up and could feel the weight of the day before slide off me. I was light again, no garble, no heaviness. My anxiety levels have been up, not to panic levels but anxious. I think part of it is our trip coming up – things like –do the kids know what they need, did I buy enough Graval, sunscreen, advil. etc etc. Packing issues. I will take care of that this weekend and if we get there and don’t have it, well we will just buy it.
A friend asked me if I had made peace with Christmas. To be honest it stumped me, I really didn’t know how to answer. Will I miss my best friend, and Christmas eve Service. absolutely they are always my favorite things. Have I made peace with God over Christmas? Yes– I paused before I wrote that – I don’t think I was angry with God over last Christmas, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t know what caused the break down and what caused the deep hole I fell into. I blamed it on everyone else my family, my Mother-in-law, the things I was involved with at church. etc etc. I had never thought about that before. but yes I did blame everyone else for how I was feeling cause I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and I thought I was losing my mind. I was paranoid and frightened as I have never been before. I still feel in some way I am running away from Christmas, but not God. I am running away from the memories of desperation, darkness, fear, and loneliness. This year there is so much that I am not doing. No cards, presents, tree, dinner. It’s a relief to be away from the rush and rush of Christmas but I feel like I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past! Sorry but the I couldn’t resist the Christmas comparison but it works! Right now this week I am in a holding pattern of reoccurring events we do every year. This year we are finishing up our commitments and now starting to pack for our big trip. I am ready to go now. Have I made peace with Christmas the event, the traditions, and the things we do-no I am running away from it. I am running away from the ghost of christmas past. I am not running away from God. God still has me in his hand, he is still protecting me, loving me, leading me, covering me over when I need a safe place to be. I believe in the Christmas story as fact; that Jesus did come as a baby the word becomes flesh. It is becoming clear to me, I just can’t do the “event”.
So today I pack for our trip next week. My meds were adjusted this week so now I have been shaking again ugg! and the timing of them have been changed so hopefully that will sort its self out before we go. In the mean time I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas in the true meaning of celebrating the God Childs birthday. …………………………..till next time