Had the worst night in a long time for sleep. I saw every hour. I wasn’t fully awake but I wasn’t fully asleep. I felt like a chicken on rotisserie , around and around and around I went. So today I feel exhausted, grumpy, and terribly confused.
During the times I dozed off I was dreaming, most of which I am not sure of. I have impressions of things and little things today are triggering a memory, but they were disturbing, frightening dreams. The type you wake up with a scare, but you don’t know why.
I have had bad dreams before- but I am not sure what is real today and what was a dream. I have these impressions that I should be worried, or grieving but don’t know why. I am totally messed up. I have been slowly going over all areas of my life sorting out what is happening in them. ie. Home life– husband here -check, still loves me, check, Daughter, check, still here check, son– waiting for text. Oh just text me back, laughed cause I am having bad dreams and said he is just fine. Ungreatful child– laughing at me. And so I go through all things – to get rid of the feeling of dread.
My pastor’s verse this morning on his face book was St Paul– I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Sometimes I think he is creeping me through my window! But it was a word I needed to hear this morning. As I was reading this I had previously thought- today would be a good day to be sick! But that would be a lie, and God is with me so I can do all things with him.
There are things in my mind I am struggling with today- not sure what is real or not… so I leave you today without much discussion till I can get myself straight. Another thing I hate about me, lack of control and unable to clear my mind and move forward. I have a week till my doctor’s apt –as I type this I get a memory of a dream, that distinctly involved the hospital– so real but so far away – man its confusing. Maybe next week the doctor can do something. They scheduled me for 2 hours plus a follow-up visit. I’m nervous about this one as it’s at the hospital. I’m sure it will be ok– whats the worst that happens, they don’t let me go…..ugggg even trying to be funny that sounds horrible.
till next time………………..