October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen

Today- a day in September


This going to be a short post.  I have been wondering this week what is depression.  I saw it in my friends son, it made him sad and the voices took his life.  What is it for me? Its a constant fight. Everyday, I take the pills fight the side effects, fight the voices that want to take a piece of my heart, surround myself in God‘s word and prayer to protect me.  It takes so much away. It takes my joy, my freedom, my mind.  I have always been someone with a quick joke, or jab to make someone smile.  If I could make one person really laugh from your toes laugh, then I spread a little joy that day and it made me happy. I’m not such a jokester these days. My freedom.  I am afraid what if –what if that day I fall in a hole, what if that day my sadness can’t be hidden, what if that day I lose it at work and the bosses figure out I am suffering, incompetent, unstable.  Its a hiding game its a fighting game and some days it all wears me out. somedays it totally knocks me out.  I am a athlete, I used to run, work out hard, and not quit.   Can’t even go for a walk these days.

What is depression?  Its a constant fight against forces against you. Is God there yes, but you still have to fight. Today I a tired I don’t want to fight. I want to hide, but I have no place to go. So I pray,  Dear God hide me under your wing for I don’t have the strength today, let me rest for tomorrow and lift me up to start another day.

First full day of school – sitting in the Vice Principal’s office


I am a secretary in a High School.  It’s a cool job.  You get to deal with all sorts of kids.  Nice ones, shy ones, creative ones, ones you could do with out and broken ones.  I love my job I have done all kinds of work over my working years but, this one I like.  It is the first full day of school.  School start-up is a very stressful time of year, kids are nervous, staff are nervous, Office staff are running around trying to get all the paperwork, teachers and students in line and where they are supposed to be with the correct paperwork in hand. We get the job done.  There are five of us putting it all together.  Today however was the first full day of school and I ended up in the Vice Principal‘s office.  There is something about being in a Principal’s office that can make a grown adult turn into a ten-year old kid.  I lost my temper with a fellow staff member; who I think deserved it, but was raising her voice at me and I told her to stop raising her voice to me – only rather loudly, and demanded she allow me to have the paperwork I needed to do what I had to do.   I hate office politics, I hate gossip, I hate staff that bully, I hate people who are part of a team but are too good to help with the team.  I, much later in the morning, ended up being called into the Vice Principal’s office and told that I was totally out of character for me and it was surprising.  They know the person who I was dealing with is difficult and they need my support in keeping a peaceful office.  They also said that I was known as handling this person wonderfully and am relied on as a rock to keep the peace and flow of the office.  Was I ok, and why was I out of character? What do you say.  Sorry I forgot my anxiety meds at home and I flipped out. Sorry I am on antidepressants and sometimes I feel down and need people to stop stomping on my nerves.  I was shaky when I got up so I should have known that I was a little off.   I apologized for my raising of my voice, but if they wanted a peaceful flow in the office then all parties in the office need to work together instead of around someone.

I went back to my desk shaking.  I was angry, I was scared, the negative voices started up.  I was afraid that maybe I was losing it and that the bosses would figure out what was happening to me.  I can’t tell them at work.  Promotions are coming up and if I want a shot at them I have to be on my game.  The bosses want me to go for these promotions so I have to keep looking good and doing my best.

I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like I have it together. I don’t know if these meds are working right and I don’t know if I should be going back to the doctor and getting the next step as she says in my progress of dealing with this.  I don’t know if I should be seeking counseling, stopping the drugs, jumping off a cliff!!  Its confusing and frustrating.  I want to be me, I have ministry ideas I want to do at my church, I have plans for programs at my school.  I have action items that I want to proceed on with.  I want to write, publish, I want to speak of God at conferences,  I want to do so many things but I feel like I can’t get started.

Oh God you are the God of good, you are the God of Love, Lead me in this journey I pray.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer – a Lutheran Pastor murdered in WWII, said “that he believed what God said through the scriptures He knew that what ever befell him or the faithful brethren would open new opportunities, in which God would operate.”

This time in my life is a moment for God to open new opportunities for God to operate.  Through desperation God creates hope, in crisis God is faithful, in heartbreak God is loving.  The devil is the operator of despair, hate, anguish. I need to keep my eyes up to the Lord from where my help comes from. I need to keep my heart up and open to him to heal this brokeness.  Though I look down at the pieces of my heart scattered upon the floor, God is there picking up the pieces.  The desire of my heart first is to be a woman after Gods heart, and secondly to spread His love to those around me.  Though I may not be whole, God will make me better, and I need to trust that even though I have depression and feel not in my right mind, not feeling myself the desires in my heart can be accomplished through God.  The rub of it all is I have to not listen to the evil voices in my head and keep my eyes and heart on God.

There is the rub.  Depression tries to rob you of all you hold near and dear.   It makes you paranoid, it makes you second guess yourself, it makes you feel alone, it isolates.  I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd and feel like the loneliest person in the world.  And because if the meds I can’t even cry about it.

 

I am going to end this post here.  It is a day in the life of a woman with depression.  I will continue to fight the demons that haunt me. I will continue to try to eat, I will make an apt with my doctor and see what is next. I will continue to pray and look to God, for from him my strength comes, even when I think it isn’t there. God Bless you to next time.

 

 

End of Vacation


It is my last day of vacation.  I work for a school so this year I have 6 weeks holidays.  It has been fun.  I have camped and sailed, bbqed some amazing meals ( well I bought and spiced, husband cooked- yummm) Tomorrow I head back to the office and dealing with 1200 teenagers, their parents and 100 staff members.  In someway I am looking forward to routine, in someway this means the end of the summer season, that makes me sad.  Not depression sad, but longing for warm days sad.  I love hot weather, the hotter the better. I don’t do cold well, and the thought of putting on jeans and dress pants  uggg!  It is what it is so adjust.

How have I been feeling?  I am still not sleeping well, in the past week I got 6 hours sleep one night, the most in a long time.  I average 3 to 4 most nights. I seem to get up and function.  I am not short with my kids, or husband.  I have been working like a dog these days, painting the house, gardening at home and at my church where they desperately need it.  I have done my fall cleaning and purged closets and dressers, moved furniture and cleaned the heck out of my house.  I am a clean freak, but in spurts.  I have anxiety over things not being clean, but a lot of the time I don’t give things a deep clean just a ‘hey that looks ok’ clean.  I have not been able to get back into a workout routine. Last week was good, this week I ran once and am too lazy in my mind to get out there.  But I will make up for that next week when I am back to work full time and organized again.

Self discovery this week?  I am really hard on myself.  I have come a long way in that I don’t feel quite so much shame in having depression.  Writing this blog and the response I have had from it has helped me realize that I am not alone.  Depression is so isolating, when I fall or am down I want to hide.  The mind is a crazy thing. I wear glasses.  I purchased dark rimmed glasses cause I figured that I could hide behind them.  Silly, because I think a dark plastic rim won’t attract the person’s attention to my face. (ya right!)  I have long hair, I wear it down and close to my face.  I change my profile picture on my BBM and Facebook to that of a guitar, cause I can’t look at myself.  I pull away and close off from people.  What I should be doing is opening up, drawing close to people, God, surroundings, make an effort to look open to people and not hide behind things.

Being hard on one’s self is also part of depression.  I think some males that I know ( not my husband)  feel that depression caused by menopause or just chemical inbalance is just  PMS gone crazy and don’t take the symptoms and the way the brain works as serious. I think they feel that its just a phase and it will pass but give no credit to the fact that there are psycological issues the person is dealing with outside of it just being a chemical imbalanced.  This makes me feel like the depression is my fault and I can do something to pull myself up at will.  It isn’t that easy and there are other depression traits.   I am a little bit of a perfictionest.  My kids would say “A little bit!!!”  People who are, do sometimes suffer from depression, another depression trait is anorexia, a denial of self, and punishment.  I have been thinking of this a lot lately.  God has been bringing it up to me often too.   I have mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts but not in detail.  I am suffering not only from the effects of the up and down moods- which over the past two weeks have been good.  I am suffering from anorexia also.  I could go for days without food and never think of it.  There are days I feel bad about me and force myself not to eat as punishment.  There have been days when I have done a run or intense work out and then in the afternoon gone for an hour walk to work off more.   I have never put these words down in print like this before, so part of this post is self-realization.  I had said once to a friend that I had a big dinner coming up that evening and was saving myself for it, they thought I was not eating for diet reasons.  That hurt, but they never knew it hurt.  On the surface it may have looked that way but deep inside it was my punishment.  For what?  I am not even sure myself.  Maybe for having fun, indulgence, I don’t know if I can put it into words. I went to lunch with a friend last week.  I didn’t want to and almost cancelled.  She insisted we go to a chinese buffet.  I was ready to get in the car and run.  I couldn’t go there and eat all that food.  I ate some, and just made sure I spread it around my plate lots so it looked like lots.  I didn’t eat for two days after cause it was way too much food.  A punishment again.

God has reveled to me on several occasions that He made this body and it should be treated as a temple that it is lent to me on this earth before I return to my heavenly Father.  I know in my heart He is right.  But there is a wall between heart and mind.  Somedays I can eat at least two meals a day.  Yesterday I had 1/2 an apple and three slices of Turkey breast meat.  Is that wrong, Yes!

How do I do this with a family and husband.  We are busy we do eat suppers most nights together.  I will excuse my lack or little serving of supper do to large meal I had a lunch or nibbling all day long which didn’t happen. Or if everyone is working or out I just don’t bother cooking at all.  Or make a supper of something I don’t eat.  I don’t eat pasta, or pizza or bread items so I make them for the family and eat a salad for supper.  So what is this?  Its lieing, cheating myself, and wrong.  The meds do not make me hungry.  I have to say its been a long time since I have said I am famished.  And Yes some of this is control when I can’t control my mind, some of this is punishment for not being in control.  It amazes me that I have got to this place.  It shames me that I think along lines that I have never thought before.  It humbles me infront of God cause it is his hand made body I am abusing.

God has been by my side during all this.  He has been gently reminding me that it is ok to eat, it is ok to love my body.  That I am blessed with a body that can run, work out, move, dance, pray, and do many many things.  I should celebrate this body that God gave me.  Its not too bad for a woman in her — well lets just say I’m not 30, but I look good for not being 30 🙂  God has been reminding me that I need to rely on his Love.  His love for the way he made me, and that he made me to be loved.  God always has my back. He always has his arm around me and he is always there to show me how I can improve me and come into balance with myself and him. Today I make a plan to eat at least twice a day.  Its not perfict but its a start. What do I do if this doesn’t happen, I will have a follow up with my doctor in a few weeks I will tell her and see what we can come up with.   In the writing of this post God has made me face what I am doing. I see in writing the destructiveness of depression the destructiveness I am causing my body and how I am hurting my relationship with God and I know through him I can overcome it.  It all comes down to trust.

God’s blessings till next time.

One Day in July


Feeling down today. Feeling like what is the use, friends must be feeling like not again!  I am suffering in silence.  I contacted EAP got a busy signal, (can you believe it!)  When one does get through they can make an apt for you for an assessment in 2 to 3 weeks.  I emailed another counciller and made contact I just have to get up the nerve to actually call make an appointment and speak to someone.  That is the hardest thing to do — three days not haven’t mustered up the nerve.  It all makes no sence and I don’t know what to do with myself,  cause even the kids  don’t want to hear about it.  So I take my emergency meds., they help but the lonelyness hangs on. Being sad is one thing but the lonelyness is relatively new.   I understand my friends son’s suicide, cause it was all our fault.  No one has time to look after our mentally ill.  No one has the care or love; that is the bottom line we communicate through computers, texting, email.  You see the words in print but not the passion or desperation in their voice.  That is the honest truth. Darkness became his companion, and when that happens the loving words of the parents can’t penitrate- I know they tried.  The dark voices do not relent. 

But people just don’t care for people. That is a really negative attitude. I know that it is the darkness talking, but it is not so much a lie.  When the lie of darkness talks to me I can see it most times, cause God‘s light shows it for what it is.  But today. I am hurting deep in my soul, and we are supposed to persevere. Struggle on. Climb the mountain.  Fight the good fight.  Follow through.  Carry on. Go the distance. Its just that sometimes I forget why.  Mostly I forget who God is.  And frequently,  I forget who I am in Him. and now I hardly remember the me I used to be.  

   My husband talks a good fight. But to be honest, I am tired, and could care less about fighting this.  I am not suicidal, but I understand how someone gets there, I can see the path traveled.  I am worn out.  We as a society must take the brunt of the responsibility. If we truly loved people and cared we would be there for those who are really hurting.  We  need to be a society that does not spend its time keeping busy, or playing but a society that cares for the young, the old, the ill.  We need to talk to them, love them, and be there to talk them down.

So I am sure for all my good talk of God in previous posts  you are wondering  where is God in this? I always have to bring it back to Him.   He is always there. He is with me in this down period.  But how does that help ?  I pray. I feel him here. But I am still depressed.  God is holding me, but the chemicals in my brain are still messed up.  I do not feel evil around me God is protecting me from that, I just feel sadness, lonelyness  and disappointment.  As a society our cup does not overflow. We are like dry bones.

Happy Canada Day.


Since my last panic attack in my doctor’s office, I have been good.  I managed to get through a very stressful time at work and spent the long weekend with my family camping which has been wonderful.  It is always a reconnect with my kids and husband. No one else just us, hanging out, swimming at the beach, campfires, sleeping, reading, playing games.  It was a good time to spend together.  My kids are teens so they understand that Mom isn’t quite right.  They saw my breakdown, they have seen me shaky and panicked.  We spent some quality time together one on one and discussed what all this means and why I am going through what I am going through. They have been very supportive and were glad to have all the dots connected for them.  I am sad that I have to explain that Mom is losing it.  But they appreciated being told and treated like adults and in the end we all came closer.  God does take all things and use it to his good.  I have been good lately so it was a good time to talk and connect and plan our summer and how we want to handle the next wave if it comes.  

 A.W. Tozer wrote in his classic We travel an Appointed Way “to a child of God, there is no accident.  He travels an appointed way”  So how does my depression work to God’s good. My mind falls apart, my emotions betray me how can that be good?   How can any tragedy work to God’s good.  My father was hit by a car, died instantly.  How does that work to God’s good.  A family devastated by the needless death of the Father who held the family unit together.   That now lays in ruins, a brother doesn’t talk to others cause he never really recovered, grand children who never knew the love of a Grandfather.  A wife now a widow missing her beloved husband.  The pain of the broken-hearted in this life goes on and on and on.  Evil runs rampant. hurting, stealing, lieing. Where is the good in any of this. Where is the Love?   Where is the Grace?  Where is God?  Cause sometimes I feel he is very far away.

  We can have hope.  Romans 8:  22-27 and  31

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.

More Than Conquerors

 31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

We have hope in that God who is greater than me on my best days, will look after me because he Loves me, created me.  I fail and I am in a fallen world.  Evil lives  in this world, but God loves us so abundantly that he takes our pain and makes it into joy.  If we trust him.  I take courage and comfort and strength from the promise that in the midst of the brokeness the Holy Spirit intercede for us with groaning that  corresponds to the depth of the pain I am in.  And when in the darkness no words can express the protection from  evil I need and the help I need.  This prayer partner in heaven is all-powerful and all-knowing whispering the things of God that I need to know and comunicating the things deep with in my heart and soul that I need to but can’t tell the Lord.  God had provided. God never breaks a promise.

Every bad turn, every broken moment till now, every tear I have shed brings me one more step closer to knowing and relying on God. God has taken the pain, the events of my life and gave me a chance to rely on him and in turn he loves me and protects me.  He is expanding my heart in a way I have never known God before.  I am seeing his shelter in the midst of this storm. He has prepared a cleft for me to hid in. ” I look to the mountains from where will my comfort come from- From the Lord the creator of heaven and earth. ”

These are the things that God has been reveling to my heart as I have prayed and meditated this long weekend.  It is the recovery after the latest storm.  Where you asses what the damaged is, and where the storm has left you.  It left me a little stronger, which is again part of Gods plan to take this storm and turn it into his good.  I don’t know where you are in the storms of your life, but God; if you ask, will take you by the hand and help you walk on the water,  so you can over come the swells and reach dry land.  Just Ask, Reach, hold onto.

I am drowning in the depths of despair the darkness closes in,

 but a light is reaching for me

I can scarcely kick to keep my head above the water, do I want to?

But a light is reaching for me.

I am tired, tired of the pain, the darkness, the hurt, the fighting, I do not want to fight the good fight anymore?

But a light is reaching for me.

Ok– I will take the light hand, it will not leave me, it keeps beckoning me, calling me.

But a light is reaching for me.

This energy! This Shock! This Love! This light!

But a light is reaching for me

This hope grabs my heart and leads me to my Lord. I sit upon the lap of Jesus like a child.

I lay my head upon his chest. Safe, no more to fight, shelter, in the love of the Lord. Peace.

                                                            Till next time peace be with you.

Here comes the drugs!


January leads into Feb and then MarchThen what—I started medication for my depression in Feb.  I thought it would be the cure all.  That isn’t what happens with  depression but I didn’t know.  It is sneaky.  The thing the doctor didn’t tell me – my wonderful doctor who a have always trusted for over 20+ years.  There are side effects.  I had shaky hands I was up I was down- I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I lost 15 lbs and blamed it on a exercise program I was on in fact I just didn’t eat much for weeks .  I wasn’t hungary.

In the midst of this I did write some an extensive amount of  poetry, to help my heart mind soul.   Some heartfelt but there was also the heartbroken poetry too- see below:

It came upon me slowly seductively it whispered lies

When I didn’t know I was listening

It attacked my God

It attacked my faith

It took my emotions and squeezed them

I panic

A God who loves us should protect us from ourselves There should not be death suffering in silence

Our minds should not betray us – The lies continue

The dark smoulders around, frightening my heart, cooling it to make it cold

Pushing to keep it off balance

My hands shake, my heart cold, I can not cry anymore

I am not losing my mind

I am not losing myself

I am not losing my love

I keep telling me these things

Murky gray keeps licking the heels of my mind

The lie takes more,  but I see it.  I separate if from my faith. I separate it from my God.

It lets go, but it did not leave

But I fight and fight fight

I am Broken the light gathers

I am Hurt the light heals

I am ashamed the light forgive

Its grace covers me and the love comes through

I give up the familiar robe of
darkness for a garmet of Joy – I try

I feel raw but safe

less shaky But shaken

Peace but disturbed

Forgive my tormented heart

Forgive my troubled mind

Thank you for your Grace and Love

For God is in Control

God holds me true

God is the Way Truth Light

God is my Father, and his Grace and Love never ends  Amen

Needless to say I was in a state, but this is what i have discovered depression does; it turns you upside down.  If you have or are going through depression you know what it can do.  If you have never been through it this is how powerful it is.  It takes all that we hold dear and messes it up.

So now what???? you go to sleep- you get up you try again, and try not to be a pest to your friends but if anything see your doctor, seek people who can help, friends, family, professionals,
God.

I pray that all who read this will be Blessed by God to gain understanding, help and guidance and most of all peace.

Please come back again and read more.

Then Christmas was over


I was feeling better, it seem to be over, the darkness, the hole seemed to dry up and all was ok, for a while. Jan came and was almost over I thought, wow I must have just had a bad season, The death of my friend’s son maybe over showed Christmas or something, but I was ok.  Then the darkness came back. It was different this time it didn’t swallow me, it slithered around my ankles and attempted to pull at my pant legs to pull me in. I didn’t fall into a hole, it came upon me like a smoky fog. The depth of the darkness wanted to drown out the light.

Here is an excerpt from my journal Jan 12 2011

“It’s a sad day, not sure if its hormones though I suspect they are, or its that devil
of depression sneaking around me. It is seductive depression, it’s a itchy coat
that completely envelops you.  Joy on the other hand is a fancy
dress. You wear it on special occasions not wanting to get it dirty or messy,
always aware that you are in it for a short time, never really believing that a
fancy dress could be worn always. Why can’t joy be like a comfortable pair of
jeans always ready to wear no matter what you are doing, where you are going,
always feeling good. Never worrying it will end, or never come again.

The darkness of depression swallows like pin the tail on the donkey it binds you,
spins you ‘round, and you can’t remember where the light is.

I am fighting. It sneaks around me but I fight. I cannot reconcile things in my
mind. The devil confuses me. I know God is powerful, creator, my heavenly
father, my source of love, my savior, the I am- God! But What about those who do
not find God. What about my friend’s son who took his life? What about my
brother, who turns his back on God, thinking me a freak for loving the creator
of the earth. We pray for these people, we pray for their souls their minds
their hearts. But the son is dead, the brother unchanged. Did we pray wrongly,
or is free will stronger than prayer, than God. Right now this is the thing I
cannot reconcile. This is what haunts me and keeps me up at night; I think this
is what is at the heart of my depression. Maybe I believe in a touch by an
angle type of God or magic God. One that saves in the nick of time and in an
hours time with commercials. “

God is not that way. What the devil likes to do is confuse you. Depression is caused;
for me anyways, by a biological chemical reaction in my hormones. When you are
not at your best the devil prowls around like a lion seeking to devour you.
What I learned through this bout of depression, my grief was not the source of
my depression, my sorrow added to my sadness, but when I could separate that I
felt sad, and confused from my faith. I soon realized I was not having a crises
of faith, it was a distraction, I could separate faith from sadness and I was
lifted up. God rescued me. I saw that faith did not cause depression and faith
helped me ’cause I could give my grief to God, he reconciled it for me in the
poem I wrote in the previous blog. I felt better and I thought Great making progress
I should have this thing licked! No God had other plans for me. In the mean
time, I went to my Doctor. Even though I figured things out as to what my
depression was not, I still could not function in the state I was in. One
Saturday I had a break down. Full on my face stretched out on the floor break
down. In front of my kids, in front of my husband, and totally freaked them out.
Then I went to my doctor. She is Great! She put me on meds to help. And they
did help keep me from the extreme but they did not stop the depression and here
is where the rub is. You will not cure it by meds they help but there is a
lot of stuff you have to do to help yourself, to heal yourself. But with God’s
help I am getting stronger. With some amazing friends I am coping and that is
how I am handling it for now. More on my journey next time. Come back and read
more. GW

in the beginning


I have been suffering from depression for apx  a year now.  I didn’t realize it at first.  Some days were great, some days I was sad. I would be angry and then ok again.  It wasn’t till November 2010 that I realized that I was not in a good place.  At first I thought that I was sad or angry because I was too busy.  I am a mother of two teens, I work full time, husband, house, I volunteer at church doing Sunday School music, I play in a worship band. I work out, run,  I thought it was burning a candle at both ends.  Some nights I didn’t sleep, some Saturdays I slept in the afternoons for hours. I got hot flashes in the night.  Ya menopause and all its glory was reaking havic on me.  I have been getting the hot flashes since my first child was born. He’s now 18.  They never really bothered me that much you just get used to them.  But then the emotional things started happening.  I would feel sad for days.  I started having a never ending dialog running through my head, about how I would handle some situation that really made me angry, sometimes how I would put someone in their place who disappointed me.  These dialogs ran on and on.  At one point I was out for a run and the angry voices in my head arguing over what my mother-in-law had said to me were so loud and making me so crazy; I physically stopped in my tracks and yelled out loud for the on going tape to “stop”, and turned around and ran in the other direction.  There were cars on the road they must have thought I had totally lost it, and I felt as if I had.  In my journals I wrote about searching for joy and peace and never finding it.  I could not figure out why.  Did I doubt God was there to look after me? Did I not see that he loved me more and more and I needed to cultivate this relationship and make it grow.  I was reading my bible, praying, meditating but I did not feel peace.

Then Christmas started to come near.  A time of year all Christians rejoice and enjoy peace on earth to all men.  I was just mad! Then my friends son committed suicide.  He was 22 a wonderful, funny, brilliant artist.  He grew up in a good home, good parents, great grades in high school, but suffered from depression, deeply, deeply.   He believed the lie presented to him in his mind.  I am unworthy, I m better dead, I am unable to go on one more day.  – – – – all lies – – – – – over 300 people came to his funeral. He was not unloved, he was loved.  But unlike what you see on TV when they talk about depression — people sitting staring out like they are spacey or something, but depression is not quiet.  It is not just sadness. There is a storm going on in your mind.  Dare I say voices? Your voice arguing with the demons that are in there wanting to convince you that you are worthless and no one cares, and you are nothing but a speck of sand.  The lies scream over and over and over they make you doubt everything you believe, they make you question your life your direction, the power of your God. You know that the storm is not right, and then you get scared.  What is happening to you? what will people think? You want to cry for help, but you can’t.  I belong to a church where I have people there to help me,people to talk to, my pastor and friend would listen to me counsel me but I am in a worship band, I sing and praise God in front of everyone, I lead Sunday School music.  If they know the depth of my illness the depth of my depression, they will think I am crazy- I am not crazy, I want to help people I want to be a useful member of church, my work place, my home.  But I am falling into a hole that swallows me up and I am not sure if I can get out of it.

Christmas was aweful.  I tried to make it best for the kids my husband, but I couldn’t stomach it.  I put 1/2 of the decorations up- I go nuts usually with decorations even in the washrooms. Not this year.  I couldn’t cook.  Praise the Lord for cooked chickens at Costco! and the 101 things you can do with it.  My Mother-on-law thought I was just being a snob, and called me a “poop!” cause she was disgusted with me.  I couldn’t tell her that I was in a dark hole the I was trying to get out of.  She already doesn’t like me I couldn’t give her another reason to think badly of me.  I struggled through.  And then I got better I felt happier for a while.   I am going to stop here in this journey for now.

I guess the point of this post is that as the realization hit, that I was going through some troubling times, God was near. I felt that I was alone from him.  I felt as if there was a cloud between us –but that was my own mind creating it, when I was at my most down He drew closer. But the lie likes to take these moment when God draws near and try to confuse you.  Its the lies  way of doing things, confuse, distract, hurt.   The more I felt down the more I meditated on Gods word and I felt relef, not peace but a little better.  Our God is  a Mighty God, and when I was lowest He showed me His Great love, and Grace that is so abounding , these simple words can’t not do it justice.  Just know He is there for the asking.  Ask and ye shall receive seek and ye shall find knock and the Lord will open the door.  You will find Him and the love, joy, and peace that goes with it.  More to come next time please come again and read.

Godly Women Get the Blues ? ? ?


Women work hard, play hard, love their families, love their God, but sometimes they get the blues.   Blues maybe that is a mild term. Sometimes Godly women can become down right depressed.  Depressed is a mild word, sometimes women can fall into dark holes of despair.  When one falls into that dark hole what do you do?  I have been struggling with depression  for more than a year now.  I didn’t  realized till just  before Christmas 2010.   It was not a  crisis of faith.  If anything God does draws closer to you but the noise of negativity and darkness can be overwhelming. I never knew what was happening till I had my breakdown.  I slowly started to realize what what happening to me.  I was depressed, I was ashamed, I was a women that was incontrol that was out of control. I was afraid, terrified is a better word.  I had no one to turn to; at lease I thought I didn’t.

I wanted to start this blog as a record of my journey through depression, the doctor appointments, the medications and a deeper relationship with God, the tension of friendships, the relationships with my kids and husband and how they are effected. Some of what you read is funny, sad, even scary, but all of what you read is true.

I also want to help those who are going through the same thing.  When friends are too busy to talk, and the darkness seems to close, I hope that you will come search this out. There are answers to the questions about what depression is about, there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Please read on you’ll find anxious moments, you’ll find answers to prayer, you’ll hear stories of deep despair, sadness, addictions and failures.  And maybe you’ll find hopefully a way to cope and way to hope and a way to find peace.