New Week Smaller Demons


Last week was so exhausting.  It was hard to keep things together.  This week is all about me.  I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago.  I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit.  I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight.  I made a point of not rushing anything.  I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper.  Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly.  I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great.  Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”

I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came.  I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went.  I asked my friend to sit beside me.  It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield.  God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief,  I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me.  In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before.  I guess that is the main thing.

I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith.  This depression is such an ever-changing thing.  I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore.  I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that.  It is attacks.  When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people.  I become afraid of them.  That is how it always begins.  Then the negativity starts.  The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong.  I can’t sort out truth from lies.  This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack.  It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything.  You can’t remember things, I can’t talk.  I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that.  It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what  one speck is from another and  where or it should be.

So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow.  I will finish my dining room table.  I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.

till next time……..

 

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Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago ” you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by “oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

Visit #2


Back at the therapist office.   I still don’t know how I feel about this.  I feel weird going, driving there, and waiting to see her.  I thought I was going to be late- traffic to the other side of the city was heavy, but I got there. No music this time. The TV was off or maybe someone else lost their mind and broke the DVD.  I managed to get up and read the information of Mood Disorders.  It was interesting but made me sad as I picked out the things that I have been feeling and thinking.  When we get in the office (and yes there is a couch- and you know because I have a weird sense of humour I said I am not laying down on it- she laughed, I figured that was a good sign, she could laugh) She asked how I was, I told her I was uncomfortable being there and I see talking to her as a sign of weakness in character.  She gave me her sad puppy dog look and told me she understands. I told her that was easy for her to say she understands, because she gets to sit in a chair not on a couch.  She commented, that I did come back so I can’t feel that uncomfortable. Darn she caught me in a line.  We continued to get to know each other discuss work, teen years, family, depression, then after 45 minutes of chatting and answering a thousand more questions, she gave me home work to do and sent me on my way.  I drove home in a fog.  Maybe my pride is getting in the way Maybe I am vain, but I felt depressed all the way home.

So for the past 36 hours I have been wondering why this bothers me so much.  Why I would never admit this to people I know, and not even want to discuss with my closest friends, who have been my support through all of this.  Part of this has to do with social conditioning. ( here comes my college sociology and psychology courses into play– who knew they would be useful)  When you think about TV, sitcoms, cartoons, movies, they always portray the flighty one, the inadequate  one, or the untrustworthy one as the one who has mental issues and goes to a therapist.  Think about it for a minute.  Goldie Hawn comes to mind in all the silly movies she has been in.  Think of every time a therapist is brought into a movie how is the person who needs them, portrayed.

I guess this is my blockage in getting past. This is the stereo type and negative image I have of this.  I think people will think less of me, not trust me, not consider me worth getting to know.  When I look back at my first blogs I believe this is what I said about depression in the first place.   I guess I am my own worst enemy.

But above all that, the real question is; and let’s be honest – the real question is not what my prejudices are but Do I need this.  I am feeling for the most part good.  A few little downers this week but nothing I can’t talk myself out of.  Eating a bit of an issue but still trying. I find a couple of nights I sleep,  a couple of nights I didn’t which makes it tough when you are tired.   I think back two weeks or so ago and think about how I felt and the pressing loneliness and I needed someone to talk to and the refusal to eat or associate with people, and sadness.  I need this. I need to lay the ground work while I am feeling good and see what tomorrow brings.  Maybe I will not need it.  Maybe I will be delivered from this depression. Maybe tomorrow I fall on my face of in a hole of despair but in the mean time I will purse this and do my homework and show up next week.

Lord I know you are with me every step of the way Yes you are the creator of everything.  Of me and all I have ever seen dreamt about or could imagine.  So Lord I thank you for all the good gifts you give me.  I thank you for the challenges in my life, you are always there to hold my hand and send me those who I need to help me.  I am not worthy of this Grace and Love and Protection but you do love me and give me all these gifts as you would any of your children. Thank you, my Heavenly Father   Amen

October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen

Today- a day in September


This going to be a short post.  I have been wondering this week what is depression.  I saw it in my friends son, it made him sad and the voices took his life.  What is it for me? Its a constant fight. Everyday, I take the pills fight the side effects, fight the voices that want to take a piece of my heart, surround myself in God‘s word and prayer to protect me.  It takes so much away. It takes my joy, my freedom, my mind.  I have always been someone with a quick joke, or jab to make someone smile.  If I could make one person really laugh from your toes laugh, then I spread a little joy that day and it made me happy. I’m not such a jokester these days. My freedom.  I am afraid what if –what if that day I fall in a hole, what if that day my sadness can’t be hidden, what if that day I lose it at work and the bosses figure out I am suffering, incompetent, unstable.  Its a hiding game its a fighting game and some days it all wears me out. somedays it totally knocks me out.  I am a athlete, I used to run, work out hard, and not quit.   Can’t even go for a walk these days.

What is depression?  Its a constant fight against forces against you. Is God there yes, but you still have to fight. Today I a tired I don’t want to fight. I want to hide, but I have no place to go. So I pray,  Dear God hide me under your wing for I don’t have the strength today, let me rest for tomorrow and lift me up to start another day.

First full day of school – sitting in the Vice Principal’s office


I am a secretary in a High School.  It’s a cool job.  You get to deal with all sorts of kids.  Nice ones, shy ones, creative ones, ones you could do with out and broken ones.  I love my job I have done all kinds of work over my working years but, this one I like.  It is the first full day of school.  School start-up is a very stressful time of year, kids are nervous, staff are nervous, Office staff are running around trying to get all the paperwork, teachers and students in line and where they are supposed to be with the correct paperwork in hand. We get the job done.  There are five of us putting it all together.  Today however was the first full day of school and I ended up in the Vice Principal‘s office.  There is something about being in a Principal’s office that can make a grown adult turn into a ten-year old kid.  I lost my temper with a fellow staff member; who I think deserved it, but was raising her voice at me and I told her to stop raising her voice to me – only rather loudly, and demanded she allow me to have the paperwork I needed to do what I had to do.   I hate office politics, I hate gossip, I hate staff that bully, I hate people who are part of a team but are too good to help with the team.  I, much later in the morning, ended up being called into the Vice Principal’s office and told that I was totally out of character for me and it was surprising.  They know the person who I was dealing with is difficult and they need my support in keeping a peaceful office.  They also said that I was known as handling this person wonderfully and am relied on as a rock to keep the peace and flow of the office.  Was I ok, and why was I out of character? What do you say.  Sorry I forgot my anxiety meds at home and I flipped out. Sorry I am on antidepressants and sometimes I feel down and need people to stop stomping on my nerves.  I was shaky when I got up so I should have known that I was a little off.   I apologized for my raising of my voice, but if they wanted a peaceful flow in the office then all parties in the office need to work together instead of around someone.

I went back to my desk shaking.  I was angry, I was scared, the negative voices started up.  I was afraid that maybe I was losing it and that the bosses would figure out what was happening to me.  I can’t tell them at work.  Promotions are coming up and if I want a shot at them I have to be on my game.  The bosses want me to go for these promotions so I have to keep looking good and doing my best.

I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like I have it together. I don’t know if these meds are working right and I don’t know if I should be going back to the doctor and getting the next step as she says in my progress of dealing with this.  I don’t know if I should be seeking counseling, stopping the drugs, jumping off a cliff!!  Its confusing and frustrating.  I want to be me, I have ministry ideas I want to do at my church, I have plans for programs at my school.  I have action items that I want to proceed on with.  I want to write, publish, I want to speak of God at conferences,  I want to do so many things but I feel like I can’t get started.

Oh God you are the God of good, you are the God of Love, Lead me in this journey I pray.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer – a Lutheran Pastor murdered in WWII, said “that he believed what God said through the scriptures He knew that what ever befell him or the faithful brethren would open new opportunities, in which God would operate.”

This time in my life is a moment for God to open new opportunities for God to operate.  Through desperation God creates hope, in crisis God is faithful, in heartbreak God is loving.  The devil is the operator of despair, hate, anguish. I need to keep my eyes up to the Lord from where my help comes from. I need to keep my heart up and open to him to heal this brokeness.  Though I look down at the pieces of my heart scattered upon the floor, God is there picking up the pieces.  The desire of my heart first is to be a woman after Gods heart, and secondly to spread His love to those around me.  Though I may not be whole, God will make me better, and I need to trust that even though I have depression and feel not in my right mind, not feeling myself the desires in my heart can be accomplished through God.  The rub of it all is I have to not listen to the evil voices in my head and keep my eyes and heart on God.

There is the rub.  Depression tries to rob you of all you hold near and dear.   It makes you paranoid, it makes you second guess yourself, it makes you feel alone, it isolates.  I can be sitting in the middle of a crowd and feel like the loneliest person in the world.  And because if the meds I can’t even cry about it.

 

I am going to end this post here.  It is a day in the life of a woman with depression.  I will continue to fight the demons that haunt me. I will continue to try to eat, I will make an apt with my doctor and see what is next. I will continue to pray and look to God, for from him my strength comes, even when I think it isn’t there. God Bless you to next time.

 

 

End of Vacation


It is my last day of vacation.  I work for a school so this year I have 6 weeks holidays.  It has been fun.  I have camped and sailed, bbqed some amazing meals ( well I bought and spiced, husband cooked- yummm) Tomorrow I head back to the office and dealing with 1200 teenagers, their parents and 100 staff members.  In someway I am looking forward to routine, in someway this means the end of the summer season, that makes me sad.  Not depression sad, but longing for warm days sad.  I love hot weather, the hotter the better. I don’t do cold well, and the thought of putting on jeans and dress pants  uggg!  It is what it is so adjust.

How have I been feeling?  I am still not sleeping well, in the past week I got 6 hours sleep one night, the most in a long time.  I average 3 to 4 most nights. I seem to get up and function.  I am not short with my kids, or husband.  I have been working like a dog these days, painting the house, gardening at home and at my church where they desperately need it.  I have done my fall cleaning and purged closets and dressers, moved furniture and cleaned the heck out of my house.  I am a clean freak, but in spurts.  I have anxiety over things not being clean, but a lot of the time I don’t give things a deep clean just a ‘hey that looks ok’ clean.  I have not been able to get back into a workout routine. Last week was good, this week I ran once and am too lazy in my mind to get out there.  But I will make up for that next week when I am back to work full time and organized again.

Self discovery this week?  I am really hard on myself.  I have come a long way in that I don’t feel quite so much shame in having depression.  Writing this blog and the response I have had from it has helped me realize that I am not alone.  Depression is so isolating, when I fall or am down I want to hide.  The mind is a crazy thing. I wear glasses.  I purchased dark rimmed glasses cause I figured that I could hide behind them.  Silly, because I think a dark plastic rim won’t attract the person’s attention to my face. (ya right!)  I have long hair, I wear it down and close to my face.  I change my profile picture on my BBM and Facebook to that of a guitar, cause I can’t look at myself.  I pull away and close off from people.  What I should be doing is opening up, drawing close to people, God, surroundings, make an effort to look open to people and not hide behind things.

Being hard on one’s self is also part of depression.  I think some males that I know ( not my husband)  feel that depression caused by menopause or just chemical inbalance is just  PMS gone crazy and don’t take the symptoms and the way the brain works as serious. I think they feel that its just a phase and it will pass but give no credit to the fact that there are psycological issues the person is dealing with outside of it just being a chemical imbalanced.  This makes me feel like the depression is my fault and I can do something to pull myself up at will.  It isn’t that easy and there are other depression traits.   I am a little bit of a perfictionest.  My kids would say “A little bit!!!”  People who are, do sometimes suffer from depression, another depression trait is anorexia, a denial of self, and punishment.  I have been thinking of this a lot lately.  God has been bringing it up to me often too.   I have mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts but not in detail.  I am suffering not only from the effects of the up and down moods- which over the past two weeks have been good.  I am suffering from anorexia also.  I could go for days without food and never think of it.  There are days I feel bad about me and force myself not to eat as punishment.  There have been days when I have done a run or intense work out and then in the afternoon gone for an hour walk to work off more.   I have never put these words down in print like this before, so part of this post is self-realization.  I had said once to a friend that I had a big dinner coming up that evening and was saving myself for it, they thought I was not eating for diet reasons.  That hurt, but they never knew it hurt.  On the surface it may have looked that way but deep inside it was my punishment.  For what?  I am not even sure myself.  Maybe for having fun, indulgence, I don’t know if I can put it into words. I went to lunch with a friend last week.  I didn’t want to and almost cancelled.  She insisted we go to a chinese buffet.  I was ready to get in the car and run.  I couldn’t go there and eat all that food.  I ate some, and just made sure I spread it around my plate lots so it looked like lots.  I didn’t eat for two days after cause it was way too much food.  A punishment again.

God has reveled to me on several occasions that He made this body and it should be treated as a temple that it is lent to me on this earth before I return to my heavenly Father.  I know in my heart He is right.  But there is a wall between heart and mind.  Somedays I can eat at least two meals a day.  Yesterday I had 1/2 an apple and three slices of Turkey breast meat.  Is that wrong, Yes!

How do I do this with a family and husband.  We are busy we do eat suppers most nights together.  I will excuse my lack or little serving of supper do to large meal I had a lunch or nibbling all day long which didn’t happen. Or if everyone is working or out I just don’t bother cooking at all.  Or make a supper of something I don’t eat.  I don’t eat pasta, or pizza or bread items so I make them for the family and eat a salad for supper.  So what is this?  Its lieing, cheating myself, and wrong.  The meds do not make me hungry.  I have to say its been a long time since I have said I am famished.  And Yes some of this is control when I can’t control my mind, some of this is punishment for not being in control.  It amazes me that I have got to this place.  It shames me that I think along lines that I have never thought before.  It humbles me infront of God cause it is his hand made body I am abusing.

God has been by my side during all this.  He has been gently reminding me that it is ok to eat, it is ok to love my body.  That I am blessed with a body that can run, work out, move, dance, pray, and do many many things.  I should celebrate this body that God gave me.  Its not too bad for a woman in her — well lets just say I’m not 30, but I look good for not being 30 🙂  God has been reminding me that I need to rely on his Love.  His love for the way he made me, and that he made me to be loved.  God always has my back. He always has his arm around me and he is always there to show me how I can improve me and come into balance with myself and him. Today I make a plan to eat at least twice a day.  Its not perfict but its a start. What do I do if this doesn’t happen, I will have a follow up with my doctor in a few weeks I will tell her and see what we can come up with.   In the writing of this post God has made me face what I am doing. I see in writing the destructiveness of depression the destructiveness I am causing my body and how I am hurting my relationship with God and I know through him I can overcome it.  It all comes down to trust.

God’s blessings till next time.