A few days have passed since my last post. The darkness and confusion seated themselves at my table — I did not serve then anything. They tried to convince me that I needed to be with them, much like a black jack table in Vegas enticing an addict. I sat unmoved from my post. That sounds good, but in reality I did not invite them to my table — they invited themselves, at a time when thought I would be open to them sitting and drinking with me. I did not speak to them, I kept my concentration on God. Don’t think me admiral, or strong. I may have not given into the temptation to hide in their darkness. their ploy to confuse me did not work. But I listened to every lie they told me– I didn’t scream lies lies, I did nothing to keep my ears from hearing I looked into their hole of darkness as it tried to look like a place of paradise to hide in. I knew better I didn’t fall for it this time. I tried to brace my heart from the darts of doubt and my mind lies that were shooting at it like a thousand arrows in a battle.
The arrows of battle. I have held the belief that God spoke us into existence. In the beginning was the word and the word became flesh. The word was the thoughts and character of God, given to us in the son of God – Jesus. If God can speak us into existence and breathe life into our hopeless sinful bodies, then what happens when we swear, curse, gossip, cut people down with the tongue, the double edge sword we hold between our teeth. We shoot arrows into the spirit, the life of those we curse. We give power to the darkness, to pull their chairs closer to their tables and confuse and conquered their lives in a darkness, that they may not have the power to break free from.
This is the battle, this is the line drawn in the sand. why do I bring this up. If you have ever suffered from depression or mental illness you have felt the darkness creep up upon you and you know its power. I talk about the battle because in the midst of depression you are more aware of its present. The darkness makes you feel like its only your battle. it is only you and the darkness trying to convince you – like a used cars salesmen — “lets make a deal” But the reality– the thing we can not see because of our blindness (which is an evil ploy) we are in a valley of many suffering the same issues the same defeats and sometimes the same victories. We just can’t see each other because of the fog.
The fog. This fog is thick. it creates walls in our minds. We do the everyday things in life. Make lunches, call Mom’s, clean the houses. This fog has made me feel like I am alone. I have been crying a lot lately. The tears still do not stop. In some ways this is healthy– therapeutic. In others its down right embarrassing. In some ways disturbing. I have before this illness took over, never been a crier. I thought it a weakness. It makes me even now mad to cry. Don’t get me wrong.. crying is a natural response to stress, grief or pride for those around us. My rock my husband had been going through a rough time. Lost of factors. Ill mother, stress at work, anger issues, and a change in some medication he was taking. I am uneasy with it all because my husband is my rock. I need him to be strong and sturdy and he isn’t — I know its a lot of pressure I am putting on him — and my own weak mind. But I need him to fill the gaps where I can not, because of my illness.
Lately the illness has been showing me its blocks, stops, breaks, gaps, halts, its full stops in my life. I am in a new job – computer secretary, communication officer. I am really loving this job. Its great. But in my day to day — job related I can handle it — but I come to a point where I am looking at personal emails, home expectations, Parent expectations and my limits run amuck and I am thinking no I can’t do this.
Now we are back to my previous reality issues. Is the stress I feel the overwhelming, anxiety I am feeling, a life issue, work issue, a sandwich generation issue, a made up issue the darkness is feeding me, Or is it a reality I can not grasp because of my illness and the reality of all this life is outthere some where to be made sence of at some other time. Reading this makes me think — you know someone somewhere is going to think I am smoking a kings size something or other ….. maybe I think too much, maybe I do listen to the darkness too much, maybe I drink too much wine and don’t have enough sleep.
These are the random thought that go through this brain of mine. Ill or not, all to be discovered at a later date
till next time…………….