Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

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Holding a twig


Over the past few weeks I have been sliding down this mountain, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but sliding down just the same.  I felt for the first time today that I finally grasped something as I have been sliding, it feels like a twig. The twig is holding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can at least get a breath.  I have been all over the map.  Deeply depressed, sad, despair, lonely, anger, very paranoid.  The emotions are all self explanatory but the paranoia is not me thinking that someone is out to get me, or people are talking behind my back or anything like that its more a case of love.  I know paranoia is not a product of love but maybe I should say lack of love.

Let me start back a ways to explain this.  A year ago or more when this all started, I didn`t know what was happening to me, my daughter who is 15, thought I was having issue with her, not the demons in my mind.  She thought I hated her and started to act out because of this misbelief.  Over time I told her what was happening with me, once I figured out what was happening with me, and as she became more used to me and my ups and down she began to see it was all me, not her, and she became more comfortable with her and loved herself more as she saw my illness progress.  In the end over the past few months, she has drawn very close to me.  She talks to me about everything, and hugs me endlessly, we watch movies together, and she has been a great source of love and it has been a great comfort to me.  My husband has been the same way taking over things for me, helping me, talking to me.  Both of them love me so much and have been loving me so much that I can’t believe how wonderfully blessed that God has been to me.

So my paranoia stems from my lack of love for me.  Around and around and around you go where you stop no body knows.  This is the problem; I feel good, I fall down.  I feel like I almost have things in control and them I don`t.  I feel like its my fault.  If the hand does not work is it my fault.  Well if I abuse it yes, but arthritis or something else; no, not my fault.  The mind is so personal, so close, I feel like I have let myself down, and its been a long time since I can say  I love myself.  It’s hard to fathom that a chemical imbalance can effect the personal relationship you have with yourself. I loved chemistry in college and when I think of the interaction of chemicals in a experiment, its hard to add soul, body and mind to a chemical, he I am.

I went for a run today, well its been a long time since I have run so I am back at the beginning again,  But I shuffled really fast and got a good work out.  In that mind clearing exercise,  the Lord popped a thought into my mind, well actually a bible vs.  I can`t name the chapter or vs but it goes like this.  “The Lord so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us.” I stopped running started walking.  What did that mean?  God so loved the world, he loves each and every one of us way more than I can love my children or husband or best friends, because he created love and we are made in His image so our love could never ever be as complete and solid as His because we are also full of sin which He is not and therefore our love is tainted with imperfections. But the Lord so loved us, US because he created us that he gave his son, his blood, a part of his spirit, to die. For the purpose of us coming close to him.

I have been doing things over the past months, not because I love me, but because I hate me.  My family and friends love me.  As my best friend said today `I am a big fan our yours and you have  lots of fans` It dawned on me that when I have been doing things that I have had the mind-set of doing them cause I don`t love me.  Don`t eat fattening things or anything cause you are not worthy.  Not don`t eat fattening things cause you love yourself and it’s not good for you.   A glass of wine complements a fine steak, because you love the tastes.  Not, drink the bottle cause you are a mess and it soothes the pain, and in the end do not actually taste the food or wine and you miss the experience of a good meal.

God gave us so much, to love us.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice because he loves us, and for my mind cause he loves me.  How can I disrespect my Lord by refusing the sacrifice he made for me for the love of me, and not love myself.  It was a Gobsmacking thought.

Here is a good example of how far in left field that depression can take you, or the demons of depression can take you.   This is a gobsmacking thought!  When did I stop loving myself?  how did this happen?  I ran a half marathon, you don`t train up for something like that if you don`t like yourself.  I guess somewhere in the drugs and chemical imbalance it happened.  I can`t think when, but I know I am in the process of trying to correct this.  Today and right now I feel the love from my family and friends, and God, so distinctly that I can say for sure I like myself today.  Tomorrow maybe I will fall in love with me, maybe I will still be at like, I hope I don`t fall back into hate.  Cause hate gives the devil a playground and I am tired of those games.

God Bless

Another week a little stronger


To say last week was tough- is an understatement! I am still not feeling like I am on solid ground but I am not on sand either.  I am better.  I was re-reading my posts from last week, what an unbelievable place I was in. Last week was not a wave it was a tsunami, however, tsunamis’ waters do pass on and eventually there is dry ground.   My ground is muddy but drying up.

I wanted to talk about this thing called depression.  (ya like all these posts are not!!) but from a different perspective.  A bible perspective.  Was there depression in the bible.  How do you not see it?   Think of every bible story you know. If you do not know find a bible and read.  King David who gave us so many psalms and writings that show us his ups and downs.  He also shows us his faults and sins in the books about his life.  He crys out for God from the pit, he praised him from there too.  He danced on the streets to show his love for God and he boldly spoke of a loving God who looked after him.  Much of David’s life was spent fleeing from someone trying to kill him. Hiding in caves, fighting great battles against all odds, like Goliath there was always a bigger foe to fight. Sometimes that foe was man, sometimes that foe was evil, sometimes that foe was in his own mind.  What I love about David was his great love for God and not afraid to show it.  He also showed us that God does and will prevail and God’s promises are never broken and true.  Jesus states a lot of his most important messages to us in the bible with the words” truly  I say to you.” God is truth, love, peace, joy, strength, and sometimes God’s truths are just covering you over for protection and fighting darkness when you have no strength to do so.  I am only human and incapable of doing anything with out God.  Some may say well you were doing things last week without God. You were suffering a breakdown without God.  You go to work and shuffle through the day without God.  truly I say to you, no. God gave me life, breathed in my breath.  I could not have made it through some of the pitiful days at work without God’s help.  I would not be here without God’s help.  In the pit I was in God protected me from evil, it was not a dark pit, just a pit that my chemicals in me lead me to.  God did not give me this chemical imbalance , this world and the chemicals in it caused me to be off. If I did not have God I could not have returned from the brink of darkness.  Without God I have no power to forgive, love, have relationships cause God is love and we love cause he first loved us.  As John 15 says, If I remain in Jesus and he in me I can produce good fruit.  That does not mean I will only do good things and only do what God wants me to do, sometimes it means that God protects us by remaining in us to fill us with him so the devil and his thoughts can not take us over.  Depression can blur those lines sometimes but in the end God’s got your back.  God always watches out for his children, and through Jesus I am God’s child and apart of the family.  Jesus died to make me God’s child so the void from the first sin of Adam which separated me from God needed to be bridged and the cross allows us to cross over (no pun intended) to God and be in his Glory, a forgiven child of his family.  By remaining in him and I mean praying, meditating and just continue to work on my relationship with him I am able to feel the Joy that God wants me to have and lead the life he wants me to live by listening to his quiet voice always leading me to a better place.

That is the joy of being a christian, having a loving father to care for me when I can not care for myself.

Lord Thank you for your forgiveness and constant attention to my needs.  When I was unable to praise or pray to you your spirit within me groaned prayers of needs to you.  You heard them and in my pain covered me over with protection and sat with me till the wave left.  Thank you for allowing me to be a child and crawl upon the lap of Jesus and sit with my head on his chest and just be.  Lord all these things I thank and ask for you the name of your son Jesus — Amen.