Failure / Achievement


I am having an overwhelming week.  It’s only  Wednesday — Slowest week ever.  Monday I thought I was losing my mind.  I have been feeling a range of feelings lately.  Like the revolving door at the Eaton’s Centre at Christmas.  Last week I ranged from anger, or rage, to my emotions dropping through the floor, deep sadness, sometimes I could get myself together and be happy.  I think the sunny days have made a huge deal.  Besides the emotional up and downs, I have had a lot of physical symptoms.  I wake up and feel like a pulse is coming from the core of my body outwards.  Pulse may not be the right word, a tremble it’s not from the surface like a fast heart beat.  Its is like being so cold in your bones that you can’t stop shaking, but the shaking is on the inside not seen on the skin.   The tremer makes all your nerve endings feel they are on end.  You feel fragile, you don’t want to be touched, you don’t want to be close to anyone.  You feel like if someone touches they will crack your surface, but at the same time if they touch me – I become instantly angry.  My daughter is a spontaneous hugger.  She isn’t one to sit and cuddle you, she will jump on you and then snuggle and then go off and do something else.   I have had to bite my tongue not to freak. Its her way of showing affection, I can’t yell at her for that.  I am still having crazy dreams.  I can’t say what they are I am left with impressions of anger, anxiousness, panic.  Monday night I tossed and turned most of the night, and in my dreams when I felt the climax of the anxiey I would turn around, in my dream and my best friend was there and hug me.  She hugged me all night.  I must have worried her and she was thinking of me.  What a feeling of comfort.  It happend 4 or 5 times and about 4am I finally fell asleep. God Bless Her.

My house is a disaster. I can’t get to the stuff that needs to be done.  It’s not so much that I am a perfectionist (which I am) but its got to a point that it is gross.  I really have to clean my bathrooms, I have two weeks of laundry hanging in the basement to fold.  The ups and downs of this week have made it hard to accomplish anything,  I am behind on stuff and feel totally inefficient everywhere I go.  The only thing I have managed to do was projects at work.   I have been feeling deflated and screwing up things here and there its mading.  Of course then the monologue starts — ” can’t you get anything right, you keep trying you just can’t do it, how am I supposed to function when some days getting ready for work is tough. ”   I bring this monologue up because when you are at your bottom, God can put people in your way to bring you up. 

There is a student here at school who suffers from depression, anxiety and has been known to try to overdose and cut herself.  I have spoken to here several times.  This week she had a complete anxiety attack complete with swearing at the VP’s.   I talked to her for a bit Monday afternoon.  I spent a lot of time with her on Tuesday.  Telling her what she is feeling is real, telling her how I feel the same, my strategies for coping, how others intolerance, or lack of understanding of mental illness is not her fault and don’t let it be her downfall.  We are going to get together every couple of days and talk.   I was feeling her burdens and feeling like I was doing nothing to help, I could see the anguish in her eyes when I had to walk away.   She told my daughter (they are friends) that I was cool,  I was funny (which my daughter says I am not)  and I helped her a lot.  I was a little shocked by her response but I thought “Oh Lord one person – Lord I helped one person”, in a week where I feel like I can do nothing, I helped someone who is suffering with the voices, the pain, it was humbling, it is empowering too, she is riding a better wave today, maybe tomorrow will be my better wave.

That was yesterday, today. I come to work with the same tremor sensation, I was sitting at a stop light on my way to work and felt the sudden sink of spirits.  Like being in an elevator and the pit of your stomach falls, but it is your spirits and it doesn’t bounce back.   Sigh– I felt it and kept driving just trying to ignore the feeling.  I come into work and check my emails.  I get an email from a teacher, that made me extremely humble, and thus why I am writing this blog today.

I am in charge of the announcement team at school, I help the students organize and I help them pick music for the 5 min bell to get to class.  When students hear the music they move it to first period.  Last week for some reason I don’t now why the students wanted to play ABBA.  I am the one usually bringing the alternative, older, types of music at school.  I thought great, I like to expose all students to all kinds of music, not just top 40 so they get a range of previous influences and different kinds of music.   A teacher emailed me her story about her sister who passed, she wrote:

“She (her sister) was the ultimate ABBA fan, and was laid to rest with her ABBA Gold collection along with a Mars Bar in hand, also her favourite.  I miss her so dearly and desperately and as June approaches it seems always to get a little more difficult.  Hearing ABBA every morning last week gave me great comfort and made me smile as I felt that through you I was sent a little message that said that she was OK and still enjoying her ABBA.”  

Wow!   humbling experience.   God reminded me that when I am overwhelmed, I can still make a difference.  I don’t mean that in a prideful way, very much the opposite.  My moto for the old me,  pre Depression, was to make at least one person laugh everyday.  I don’t know why I felt passionate to do it, it’s just always been in the back of my mind.  I haven’t been feeling that lately, I believe I even made a comment about not being funny anymore last blog.   God was probably laughing at me cause he knew what was  happening in the heart of the teacher on the other side of the school. 

As I said last time, God is in control  Psalm 145:14 ” The Lord upholds all who fail, and raises up all who are bowed down.”

till next time………………………..

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