Yesterday was my wedding anniversary it was wonderful. The day was perfect and I couldn’t ask for better company or setting or time. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband.
Yesterday has nothing to do with today. I woke up feeling good, beautiful day wonderful. I text my brother who doesn’t talk to me, I tell him his daughter is in town with her husband and new baby. He doesn’t talk to her either. I tell him to call her. I tell him to repair this bridge. I did it with love in my heart. I want this fence mended. He text’s back First time ever. “Tells me that for some reason this bothers me but not him and to leave his daughter alone and stop bothering her. ” What !! Something clicks: I suddenly become heavy, I feel like I weigh 1000 lbs. sadness washes over me, my heart is beating fast and I am gasping at breath. I put the phone down and walk away – clean something, at least I think I did I lost an hour on Sunday. I remember my husband cutting the hedge. I was in the sun doing something, I remember the warmth of the sun. Adventually I go down stairs and fold laundry then get supper started, put potatoes on the bbq. I text my brother back 2 hours have gone by. I opened both barrels. I was the one who had to talk a crying bride from a washroom at his daughter’s wedding because her father was in the parking lot and wouldn’t come see her. I am the one who had to sweep up all the brokeness that he created, listen to Our Mother cry cause he won’t have anything to do with her. Listen to his best friend from High School rant about him. My kids wonder about him etc. etc. I also told him to stop being a self righteous jerk and call his daughter before she goes back to Vancouver (exact words)
Daughter angry about this, son upset about that, Husband angry at me for something I didn’t know I did. I am angry. Angry isn’t the right word. Furious, even rage and even that doesn’t match the intensity of my anger. I was teeter tottering all day. I woke up happy but I had been back and forth much of the rest of the day. Ok, sad, better, angry, ok again. I seem to have made everyone angry at me today for one reason or another. My brothers email was not the tip of the iceberg, I knew I was on the slide already but things have been hitting me like waves. One after another
The chorus of voices keep going, “your fat, you disappoint, what the heck is wrong with people, can’t they see what I am going through, can’t someone clean the dam washroom, who is going to make lunch, Son’s first day of work new job, I have to give him a good lunch it will make him happy, How the hell am I going to fit in that bathing suit, the cat needs food, what am I standing in the basement for, I came for something ?? darn have to retrace my steps. ” My thoughts are disjointed.
The screaming in my head go from belittling myself to lashing out. Right now at this moment there is no me. These are the things that really scare me. When what is left of me disappears. I was funny once, positive, happy. Give me two hours I could have moved mountains. Now I can’t find my phone, keys or remember why I am standing in the basement. Even this paragraph upon re reading it sounds pathetic.
I have been sitting here looking at this computer for sometime now- how long I don’t know. I do know that this is but a moment in time. As I deal with this misfiring brain, it is easy to think in the abstract. A moment in time upon a wave of pain. I think that is the issue. This disease ebbs and flows. One moment in time you are heavy, one moment in time you possess pain of all the world, one moment in time it flows and the clouds reside and the sun peaks out and you watch for it smiling at the warmth on your face. Tonight no warmth – tomorrow who knows I could be basking in the sun.
Where is my God in all of this. Like the tattoo on the back of my neck a symbol of the Father Son and Holy Spirit, God has my back. I know this. My life jacket my rock as I bob in this sea of uncertainties.
till next time……….