A week later. Victoria Day is over– I am not ready for Victoria Day to be over. The year is going way to fast. But here we are the Wednesday after a long weekend. I had a good time with my Mom, we did a lot of talking and had some good quality time together. I was glad I was there for her.
I am ok today — every once in a while I have this large sigh spring up from somewhere, but not too bad. Sunday I was not good. Sunday night I was in one of my favorite places in the world – backyard of a friends place around a campfire, warm night sipping wine with friends. Is there anything better than out looking at the stars……nope! I should have been relaxed and calm. I was anxious. Not sure why, I was but I snapped my hair band on my hand till I gave myself a bruse. Monday was a bit better, Monday night I didn’t sleep. I am hoping I sleep tonight, and I am sure I will.
Last night I came home from work , then a work out, then physio for my knee, I don’t know what happened but I had an anxiety attack. My husband hadn’t seen me have one in a long while, he got to see me in full attack last night. I think I caught him off guard, he didn’t know what was happening and didn’t react well to me. Instead of seeing that I was losing it, he focused on what I was losing it over and became frustrated with me. Later when things had calmed down we talked about it, and he realized what was going on. His reaction elevated my anxiety. Its not his fault, he is very sensitive to these things with me and is a great support. I threw him. It is one of the pit falls of depression. When I am gripped by these episodes I sometimes have to march on like nothing is happening. It is the same as being a dancer and having a broken toe and still preforming a dance. You tell yourself I will deal with it later, now just look good, but inside it is excruciatingly painful. Life goes on
I was thinking of a previous blog over the weekend. I was commenting on how some people who know I suffer from depression react to me and how they treat me. It dawned on me that I should qualify the comments. If you know me, and we have sat and had a glass of wine together, and you read this blog, I was not talking about you. These people do not have access to the blog and I was not talking about my friends that do. The ‘save me ‘ people and the others who inquire every time they meet me are not the people who are reading this. They are just people, as my close friend said to me – they need to be given grace, as much as I hope to receive it and humbly ask for it, from the ones who are reading this. My Mom (who does not have access) seems to be adjusting to the depression fact. We talked a lot about it, that it isn’t life style – but medical and I think after extensive explanations she is getting it. I didn’t want to worry her but she is knowledgable about it now. But who knows she may tell me to get a hobby tomorrow. 😛
till next time