Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.

 

hanging on the edge


Sunday night.  Its been a very crazy week.  As I have said before I work at a high school, one of our students was hit by a train and killed this week.  I knew the student fairly well. It was a weird accident and a senseless death.  That happened Tuesday night.  Wednesday morning I talked to every news agency wanting me to comment off the record what happened and they were relentless.  My Mom loved my writings when I was growing up and hoped I would be in journalism.  After this past experience and the news I see on TV I am so glad I am not.  It has become a reporting of the sensationalism.  There is no “writing” just a promotion  and exploration of people when they are having their worst day of their lives.  I sitting at the front desk of a school get to see lots of stuff.  This in not a gentle job. I am the lowest paid person in the office but I dealt with the most difficult situations this week.   The investigation officer was at my desk the day after and told me all the details of the event.  The student who shared her locker with the student brought me all her stuff the day after her death, from the locker.  Including her wallet and personal items and books.  The younger sister of the victim, came to inform me of the funeral arrangements.  I greeted the director of the School District of Education in our City as he came to give staff, condolences.  I spoke to the Minister of Education who wanted to give his condolences to the Principal of our school.  I spoke to neighbours that want the school to lobby for fences to be built.  To alumni who want to build a walkway over the train tracks to make public safety better. Parents of other students who just wanted the inside scoop on what was what and who was involved, and all the gory details.  Wednesday night I came home and had a nap I was so exhausted.

The worst of it all was having all these teenagers walking around hopeless and I know a secret that they need to hear.  How Jesus the son of God died for them.  That this girl was escorted through the valley of the shadow of death because Jesus opened the road for us to cross in safety.  There is hope and love and I never got to tell her and I could not, do to school policies,  tell the others of the hope that comes through God.  So I prayed that God would knock on their hearts and they might open the door.

But beyond all this surreal week, today I have been feeling really down.  I feel like my ledge broke away and I am hanging on by my fingers.  I have been good for a while now.  Maybe its lack of sleep – I did nap today for an hour or so.   It’s not anything bad or evil, I just feel totally numb.  Unable to think.  I prayed in church today but could not get myself to feel anything.  My relationship with God is not a touchy feely thing.  It a solid relationship.  But I felt stoned  (which I am not) just numb to feel anything or think anything.  Just part of the depression package.

I am hoping that I can get it together before Tuesday.  I have been asked by the Phys Ed. teacher to talk to her grade 12 girls about depression.  I am teaching a class.  !!!! Never ever thought I would be doing it.  But here we go.  I have created a lesson plan, handouts, and topic of discussion.  It should be a good class and an interesting  day.  Will tell you how it goes.

But for tonight I am tired, despite the nap, I am sad, I don’t know why, I am afraid of not getting out of this mood, I am angry, for feeling so good for a while and dipping again, I am numb, I do not know what to think or what to do.  So tonight I pour my broken heart out to you and a friend.   I was texting to my best friend from school.  And what a friend she is, she would drop everything to come and help me and I would do the same for her.  She  is an amazing friend and I am not going to tell you how long we have been friends cause that number might make me feel more depressed cause that means I am getting older 😦   .    I was telling her about my week and when we had finished talking, I realized that God had blessed me so much in my life.  Husband,  friends from home, friends here in the city.  I am a blessed lady with a great family and friends.  How can I still feel depressed with all this support.

Oh Lord help me out of the hole…………..till next time…………………….

Did someone hear a Crack?


My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while.  I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one.  I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God.  Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself,  “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God.  Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts.  Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb.  I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs.  You feel nothing, you think nothing.  One of my readers said that you always  feel like you are crawling out from under something.  That is how I feel.  I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off.  The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 .  The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind.  I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.

The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur.  My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up.  My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone.  The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind.  God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it.  The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer.  And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind.  The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.

So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.

Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope.  For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me.  Praise be to you Lord. Amen

Holding a twig


Over the past few weeks I have been sliding down this mountain, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but sliding down just the same.  I felt for the first time today that I finally grasped something as I have been sliding, it feels like a twig. The twig is holding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can at least get a breath.  I have been all over the map.  Deeply depressed, sad, despair, lonely, anger, very paranoid.  The emotions are all self explanatory but the paranoia is not me thinking that someone is out to get me, or people are talking behind my back or anything like that its more a case of love.  I know paranoia is not a product of love but maybe I should say lack of love.

Let me start back a ways to explain this.  A year ago or more when this all started, I didn`t know what was happening to me, my daughter who is 15, thought I was having issue with her, not the demons in my mind.  She thought I hated her and started to act out because of this misbelief.  Over time I told her what was happening with me, once I figured out what was happening with me, and as she became more used to me and my ups and down she began to see it was all me, not her, and she became more comfortable with her and loved herself more as she saw my illness progress.  In the end over the past few months, she has drawn very close to me.  She talks to me about everything, and hugs me endlessly, we watch movies together, and she has been a great source of love and it has been a great comfort to me.  My husband has been the same way taking over things for me, helping me, talking to me.  Both of them love me so much and have been loving me so much that I can’t believe how wonderfully blessed that God has been to me.

So my paranoia stems from my lack of love for me.  Around and around and around you go where you stop no body knows.  This is the problem; I feel good, I fall down.  I feel like I almost have things in control and them I don`t.  I feel like its my fault.  If the hand does not work is it my fault.  Well if I abuse it yes, but arthritis or something else; no, not my fault.  The mind is so personal, so close, I feel like I have let myself down, and its been a long time since I can say  I love myself.  It’s hard to fathom that a chemical imbalance can effect the personal relationship you have with yourself. I loved chemistry in college and when I think of the interaction of chemicals in a experiment, its hard to add soul, body and mind to a chemical, he I am.

I went for a run today, well its been a long time since I have run so I am back at the beginning again,  But I shuffled really fast and got a good work out.  In that mind clearing exercise,  the Lord popped a thought into my mind, well actually a bible vs.  I can`t name the chapter or vs but it goes like this.  “The Lord so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us.” I stopped running started walking.  What did that mean?  God so loved the world, he loves each and every one of us way more than I can love my children or husband or best friends, because he created love and we are made in His image so our love could never ever be as complete and solid as His because we are also full of sin which He is not and therefore our love is tainted with imperfections. But the Lord so loved us, US because he created us that he gave his son, his blood, a part of his spirit, to die. For the purpose of us coming close to him.

I have been doing things over the past months, not because I love me, but because I hate me.  My family and friends love me.  As my best friend said today `I am a big fan our yours and you have  lots of fans` It dawned on me that when I have been doing things that I have had the mind-set of doing them cause I don`t love me.  Don`t eat fattening things or anything cause you are not worthy.  Not don`t eat fattening things cause you love yourself and it’s not good for you.   A glass of wine complements a fine steak, because you love the tastes.  Not, drink the bottle cause you are a mess and it soothes the pain, and in the end do not actually taste the food or wine and you miss the experience of a good meal.

God gave us so much, to love us.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice because he loves us, and for my mind cause he loves me.  How can I disrespect my Lord by refusing the sacrifice he made for me for the love of me, and not love myself.  It was a Gobsmacking thought.

Here is a good example of how far in left field that depression can take you, or the demons of depression can take you.   This is a gobsmacking thought!  When did I stop loving myself?  how did this happen?  I ran a half marathon, you don`t train up for something like that if you don`t like yourself.  I guess somewhere in the drugs and chemical imbalance it happened.  I can`t think when, but I know I am in the process of trying to correct this.  Today and right now I feel the love from my family and friends, and God, so distinctly that I can say for sure I like myself today.  Tomorrow maybe I will fall in love with me, maybe I will still be at like, I hope I don`t fall back into hate.  Cause hate gives the devil a playground and I am tired of those games.

God Bless

Mountain climbing in Reverse


I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings.  I have been pulling back from people.  I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me.  I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week.  The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything.  Or just can’t get a grip.   I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice.   I have been up and down this week.  It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night.  So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening.  The doctor asked lots of questions.  She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird.  So we try something else.  She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out.  It is chemical and menopausal so this could work.  Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning.  On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that.  Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now.  Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me.  Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub.  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.

The second part of the doctor apt.  This is the one that scares me.  I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A.  Iam not crazy and B.  they still love me.  My pastor, my friend  I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it.  My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week.    If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist.  Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck!  I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control.  This is unsettling.  Maybe I am crazy.  The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.  It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.

I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.

Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all.  The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight.  But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word.  You have always stood by me and keeps me safe.  Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well.  Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands.  Amen.

Quick Sand


Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly.  Its been a slow progression over the past week.  I have not been feeling well.  A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs.  I can’t seem to get them straight.  I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices.  I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest.  My memory seems to be sipping.  I do know I drank a lot of red wine.  Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep.  In black and white it reads so stupid.  I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat.  I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear.  I have to stop. I don’t know if I can.  Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine.  We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong.  All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it.   The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop.  They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep.  I just lay there looking at the ceiling.  Blinking.

 
If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy.  This is hard to read and or understand.  As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy.  I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days.  He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine.  There are many areas of my life he has taken over.  That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too.  He doesn’t say it but I can see it.  So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months.  My Husband is coming too.  He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out.  I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
 
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that.   I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause.  She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her.  I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely.  She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on.  Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with.  Very vaguely.  Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants.  I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication.  She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal.  It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
 
So where is God, and where am I.  God is always where he should be.  He is loving me and sending people to love and help me.  God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it.  Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking.  I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet.  With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.
 
 

Another week a little stronger


To say last week was tough- is an understatement! I am still not feeling like I am on solid ground but I am not on sand either.  I am better.  I was re-reading my posts from last week, what an unbelievable place I was in. Last week was not a wave it was a tsunami, however, tsunamis’ waters do pass on and eventually there is dry ground.   My ground is muddy but drying up.

I wanted to talk about this thing called depression.  (ya like all these posts are not!!) but from a different perspective.  A bible perspective.  Was there depression in the bible.  How do you not see it?   Think of every bible story you know. If you do not know find a bible and read.  King David who gave us so many psalms and writings that show us his ups and downs.  He also shows us his faults and sins in the books about his life.  He crys out for God from the pit, he praised him from there too.  He danced on the streets to show his love for God and he boldly spoke of a loving God who looked after him.  Much of David’s life was spent fleeing from someone trying to kill him. Hiding in caves, fighting great battles against all odds, like Goliath there was always a bigger foe to fight. Sometimes that foe was man, sometimes that foe was evil, sometimes that foe was in his own mind.  What I love about David was his great love for God and not afraid to show it.  He also showed us that God does and will prevail and God’s promises are never broken and true.  Jesus states a lot of his most important messages to us in the bible with the words” truly  I say to you.” God is truth, love, peace, joy, strength, and sometimes God’s truths are just covering you over for protection and fighting darkness when you have no strength to do so.  I am only human and incapable of doing anything with out God.  Some may say well you were doing things last week without God. You were suffering a breakdown without God.  You go to work and shuffle through the day without God.  truly I say to you, no. God gave me life, breathed in my breath.  I could not have made it through some of the pitiful days at work without God’s help.  I would not be here without God’s help.  In the pit I was in God protected me from evil, it was not a dark pit, just a pit that my chemicals in me lead me to.  God did not give me this chemical imbalance , this world and the chemicals in it caused me to be off. If I did not have God I could not have returned from the brink of darkness.  Without God I have no power to forgive, love, have relationships cause God is love and we love cause he first loved us.  As John 15 says, If I remain in Jesus and he in me I can produce good fruit.  That does not mean I will only do good things and only do what God wants me to do, sometimes it means that God protects us by remaining in us to fill us with him so the devil and his thoughts can not take us over.  Depression can blur those lines sometimes but in the end God’s got your back.  God always watches out for his children, and through Jesus I am God’s child and apart of the family.  Jesus died to make me God’s child so the void from the first sin of Adam which separated me from God needed to be bridged and the cross allows us to cross over (no pun intended) to God and be in his Glory, a forgiven child of his family.  By remaining in him and I mean praying, meditating and just continue to work on my relationship with him I am able to feel the Joy that God wants me to have and lead the life he wants me to live by listening to his quiet voice always leading me to a better place.

That is the joy of being a christian, having a loving father to care for me when I can not care for myself.

Lord Thank you for your forgiveness and constant attention to my needs.  When I was unable to praise or pray to you your spirit within me groaned prayers of needs to you.  You heard them and in my pain covered me over with protection and sat with me till the wave left.  Thank you for allowing me to be a child and crawl upon the lap of Jesus and sit with my head on his chest and just be.  Lord all these things I thank and ask for you the name of your son Jesus — Amen.

They are only thoughts! Not actions


I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just  tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go.  I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon.  I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work.  I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts.  It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something.  I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others.  It was such a singular thought.  If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like?  I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind.  It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me.   It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming .  That is what shocked me today.  You feel nothing.  I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot.   It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.

Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought.  I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.

So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.