Another week of muddy feet. The last tsunami has long since gone but the water is taking its time to recede. I hosted a dinner party Saturday night, it turned out great all the food I prepared was wonderful and every dish was cooked to perfection. Which is something! cause it was a 3 coarse meal and you know something is always over done or under done, I had good timing however and it was great.
The bad part of the weekend I was fighting the depression again. I have felt like I want to cry but can’t either find the energy or the time to let it out. It won’t come out. Its like being on the verge of a sneeze that tickles but never gives you the satisfaction of letting it all out and clearing your system. I have to sit down with my husband tonight– we are going to have a financial discussion. I am having trouble paying my bills and can’t seem to make ends meet and I can’t get it together. So we have to make a plan so he can absorb some of my dept and I will be signing over my pay cheques to him. I will get an allowance. It kills me to do this. A little more of my identity sucked away. The one thing I never wanted to do was to was lose my identity when I got married. I have my own credit cards I have my own bank accounts I have my own bills, I pay for my own cars. My credit rating is better than my husbands. I am floundering each month I don’t know where my money is going, I am forgetting things, I am purchasing stuff I don’t need, I don’t know what I am doing.
Sunday was communion and as I kneeled at the foot of the cross and took my bread and drank my wine, I cried out to God what is happening? God I hate this mess? Do you hear I am suffering. God please help me to get it together. God gently told me patience. Patience, it makes me angry. It’s like saying to someone who is mildly upset and saying ” Some one seems to not be able to control their temper” immediately that person gets angry! I know God has what is good for me in mind, and I have learned a great deal about me and my relationship has greatly increased with God my Father. I know that God is with me and will not leave me. I know that God is protecting me from evil and is keeping the darkness away from me. But my mind has found new ways to fool me and the devil has found new ways to confuse me and aggravate me. So I patiently will try to trust God with all my heart, mind (what there is of it), and soul.
I have a doctor visit next week to monitor how I am doing and renew my prescriptions. Today I have no idea how to describe what I am going through. But in the mean time I am praying about the appointment and asking God to give me the answers I need for her and the wisdom she needs to deal with me. I will again put it in Gods hands and see if I can leave it there for more than a moment.
God Bless you —-till next time