It has been a long week. I had my first major anxiety attack in a long time. I have had some twinges, some moments where I have had to talk myself down but this one was a pop the meds situation and it scared me, the thoughts going through my mind. I almost checked myself into a hospital to be honest. But my daughter left on a mission trip today for Panama and Thursday if I had done that she would have been majorly freaked out and I couldn’t do that to her. So I called my neighbour who go to this restaurant every Thursday and invited myself and had my son drive me. The kids were unaware for the most part what was happening to me but I had to get out of there and my husband was at a company golf tournament Had I got in the van to drive myself I don’t think I would have stopped at the restaurant, I might have drove drove drove till I ran out of gas, I had a full tank.
So what was the trigger you may ask. I don’t know I think it was building over time. the previous week was a bit of a struggle, I blamed it on busy time at work. This week I have been fighting a shadow on my back. Its been there for days now. I was doing VBS crafts this week. I just did the crafts I didn’t teach them anything about the bible the craft/connection. I didn’t believe it and I couldn’t say it and sound convincing so I left it. I couldn’t even stand to listen to the music. Every time they started I just cringed and the voices started up–” how can you listen to this, this is not really the truth– how can God be love when you are hurting so much”. I had so many negative thoughts I could not stop. But I was able one little victory – I didn’t voice them out loud, I knew what the voices wanted me to say but I would not say it. But the thoughts, “walk away from his church, walk away from trying so hard, walk away from this delusion of saviour, love, truth, hope. What is hope there is no hope just pain, death, struggle that is the real world.” You can see how desperate the fight had become.
I asked my pastor to pray with me but couldn’t follow through – I felt foolish, and insane, and how do I say the things going through my mind. Here in this format I can let it out, but face to face, out loud I am afraid I will totally give in. I kept thinking, First there was the word and the word became flesh–I didn’t want to add flesh to my words. I also didn’t want to be classed as insane, because that is pretty much how I have felt this week. This week has also been a week of no sleep. 2 maybe 3 hours a night. I was doing VBS in the morning (only stayed to do the craft clean up and get the heck out of there) then working at my job from then till 2. Cleaning up for next year. I am officially done last friday, I now have a week to myself. My daughter gone to Panama, my son working a 40 hour week, my husband still working too, then we go away for a week camping. It’s nice to have time to yourself but at the same time I am a little scared. I’m afraid of the extreme voices that came over me the past week. I will fall back on our plan that my husband and I set. I will (and I got heck for not doing it) call him at the first signs of losing it. I didn’t last time cause he was 40 minutes golfing- what could he do from the 11th hole. He is in his office this week and I promised I would follow the plan
I have no conclusions for this week… no Godly connections to make…. just an end of my writing for today.
Till Next time………………..
I found the twig as I slid down my mountain and managed to hold on to it for a few days now. I have managed to take two breaths. My mind seems to have some clarity everything was mush last week I didn’t know what was right or wrong. This week is a bit better. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday , a year ago I was in a ball on the bench in church. A cloud of darkness had surrounded me and the more the pastor spoke the more my mind screamed. I could not understand the words it was garbled and it all made no sence. When the service was done I ran from the church to my house. I was scared, dark, alone, deep in a pit where there was no light, no hope. yesterday was different. I was able to be apart of the service. I could hear the words, I could pray with the congregation. I spent a heartfelt time in God‘s home and was able to pray the secrets my heart that need to be told and ask for forgiveness. Now the hard part forgiving myself.
As I was preparing for the service I was fasting and praying. I have struggled with eating disorders over the past year. I have gained the 15 pounds I lost and according to my Mom I look better, being so skinny I was losing my good looks. Mom’s got to love them! I could go days without eating when I hate myself. But Wednesday I was fasting as a preparation for the service to help me focus on God my Father and to focus on his majesty. It was so hard! It was interesting. The devil when he tells me the lies he wants me to believe; that my mind when I am sliding into depression grabs so easily, convince me that I am unworthy of loving myself and loving others. To deny myself food or to indulge in alcohol is so easy. When I do it for God it is so hard. The devil will pick at me to give in because the flesh is weak. But my mind is stronger this day so I could do it. Tomorrow?? I don’t know – this is what bothers me the most. The uncertainty of it all. The inability to trust myself, and the easiness to punish me for its instability. This depressions ups and downs also makes my friends look at me one way or another. They gage, is she good or bad. Sometimes I think people avoid me because it’s too much work to figure out where I am and what they can do, which makes them feel helpless. So they avoid you or shun you because they are uncomfortable, which makes the isolation feelings that comes with depression even stronger and you slide a little deeper a little farther down the mountain. I am not saying it is everyone else’s fault I feel I need to pull away or I my mood falls down. It’s just an observation, no blame being laid.
So what else has been happening in my life. Well maybe I am my own worst enemy. My daughter is heading to Panama for a mission trip. We are fund-raising and getting all the paperwork completed for her to go so that is one issue. The second issue is she needs some shots before she goes so I have to make those appointments. My son is off to college in the fall so I am in the process of getting him retested for his learning disability so he can get the services from college he needs. That is a lot of work and he also needs to be spending some time on applying for scholarships, more paperwork. Then to make things even more interesting I applied for a new job at a new school. More responsibility and a new situation so I will have so much to learn, if I get it. I must be nuts.
So starting next week I am trying a new drug. It is hormone related and we will see how it goes so many things to organize and then a new drug in the mix.
Lord I need you help here, help me get this all together and help me to proceed and get it all together. All these things I put into your hands Lord because I know I can’t do it. Amen