It has been a long week. I had my first major anxiety attack in a long time. I have had some twinges, some moments where I have had to talk myself down but this one was a pop the meds situation and it scared me, the thoughts going through my mind. I almost checked myself into a hospital to be honest. But my daughter left on a mission trip today for Panama and Thursday if I had done that she would have been majorly freaked out and I couldn’t do that to her. So I called my neighbour who go to this restaurant every Thursday and invited myself and had my son drive me. The kids were unaware for the most part what was happening to me but I had to get out of there and my husband was at a company golf tournament Had I got in the van to drive myself I don’t think I would have stopped at the restaurant, I might have drove drove drove till I ran out of gas, I had a full tank.
So what was the trigger you may ask. I don’t know I think it was building over time. the previous week was a bit of a struggle, I blamed it on busy time at work. This week I have been fighting a shadow on my back. Its been there for days now. I was doing VBS crafts this week. I just did the crafts I didn’t teach them anything about the bible the craft/connection. I didn’t believe it and I couldn’t say it and sound convincing so I left it. I couldn’t even stand to listen to the music. Every time they started I just cringed and the voices started up–” how can you listen to this, this is not really the truth– how can God be love when you are hurting so much”. I had so many negative thoughts I could not stop. But I was able one little victory – I didn’t voice them out loud, I knew what the voices wanted me to say but I would not say it. But the thoughts, “walk away from his church, walk away from trying so hard, walk away from this delusion of saviour, love, truth, hope. What is hope there is no hope just pain, death, struggle that is the real world.” You can see how desperate the fight had become.
I asked my pastor to pray with me but couldn’t follow through – I felt foolish, and insane, and how do I say the things going through my mind. Here in this format I can let it out, but face to face, out loud I am afraid I will totally give in. I kept thinking, First there was the word and the word became flesh–I didn’t want to add flesh to my words. I also didn’t want to be classed as insane, because that is pretty much how I have felt this week. This week has also been a week of no sleep. 2 maybe 3 hours a night. I was doing VBS in the morning (only stayed to do the craft clean up and get the heck out of there) then working at my job from then till 2. Cleaning up for next year. I am officially done last friday, I now have a week to myself. My daughter gone to Panama, my son working a 40 hour week, my husband still working too, then we go away for a week camping. It’s nice to have time to yourself but at the same time I am a little scared. I’m afraid of the extreme voices that came over me the past week. I will fall back on our plan that my husband and I set. I will (and I got heck for not doing it) call him at the first signs of losing it. I didn’t last time cause he was 40 minutes golfing- what could he do from the 11th hole. He is in his office this week and I promised I would follow the plan
I have no conclusions for this week… no Godly connections to make…. just an end of my writing for today.
Till Next time………………..