April 22

After not knowing what to do yesterday, I sent my husband to the gym and  I ended up going to my bedroom, shut the door and spent 3 hours alone in quiet and had a nap for a bit, wrote for a bit, but mostly lay in bed looking out the window watching the odd bird fly by and just blinking.  It was peaceful, it was needed. When I finally emerged I felt a lot better.  Less aggravation, less pain, less tired. The pain remains but duller.  So today is Monday,  I took a sleeping pill last night it helped me fall back a sleep easily when I did wake up.  So this morning I do feel better, on the flip side, I have been having so many weird dreams lately, even with the sleeping pill last night that it confuses me because I don’t know what is real and what was a dream.  An example, I dreamt that I was out of gas on Thursday, I was upset and was sure someone was stealing gas out of my van.  The next morning  I was heading out the door to work I was telling my daughter to hurry up cause I had to get gas,  I was angry about it, but when I started the van up I still had half a tank – right where it should be! I have had dreams of having conversations with people and later in the week they tell me that I have not mentioned anything to them.  Sometimes I really do feel like I am losing my mind.

My husband and I sat in the sun for a bit yesterday.  He expressed his frustration with me of late. He says I have been pulling away from him and he feels like I have not been including him in this struggle.  He says I have changed, ever since I got the report from the psyc doctor.  He hates how I belittle myself.  I didn’t think I did that — I mean I am hard on myself, but belittle??  I tell him stuff but not all things, my husband is great but he tries to fix me, and sometimes he is smothering, most of the time he is wonderful.  I told him how aggravated I was last week and how short my temper was. I included him in some stuff I haven’t elaborated on before. I told him how the change in drugs have affect me, I told him I nap at work and people are now wondering why I am asleep in the staff room.  My husband thinks I need to take some time off work.  I feel like I am falling apart but most of the time work is what keeps me sane.

So as April 22 comes to a close I am feeling tired, so I am hoping that means I am going to sleep – no pills tonight to sleep.  Going oh natural!  Work was good, I worked out after work, busted my butt in cardo  training for 60 minutes. Did the things I need to for tomorrow so now I am going to wash my face, get up go to work and carry on.   Maybe tomorrow I will feel less like falling apart. The pain is dull tonight, it never goes away, it’s just a dull pain I am carrying in my heart, my shadow, or sidekick.  I hope tomorrow is just as dull.

Dear Lord be with me and all those who suffer from depression,  I have had some challenges lately but you Lord are always with me.  Forgive me for my unbelief, forgive me for my anger, if now is not the time for this to be removed from me, help me to learn from this experience and help me to cope, for the sake of my children my husband.  Now I pray Dear Lord the perfect prayer ‘Your will be done”  Amen

till next time……..


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