Around the bend


I haven’t written in a while, for a number of reasons. I have been busy, work, holidays, kids, to be honest I haven’t had anything to write about. My friends would say “you are speechless??” with looks of disbelief on their faces. truly I have been feeling good and haven’t been down. Well there was one Sunday I was feeling sad, but that has been all. I have faithfully been taking my vitamines– the handful twice a day and I was just at the Naturopath last night and she prescribed a couple more. I am sure some of you are thinking — she is just selling you pills of who knows what! But here is the thing. Its working. My adrenals have been low almost non existant over 8 months ago now I am a shade under normal. I am not as tired, I am exercising lots and feeling strong. The plus side is that my Psyc Dr. prescribed my ciprolex at 30 mg’s which my family doctor said she would never prescribe more than 20mg. I decreased my dose over the past eight months to 10mg. still feeling good. I do not advise you playing with your meds, but I know how I feel when things are wrong and when things are good and I am good. My husband says I am laughing way more, and I even had a lady at church stop me and ask how I was doing cause I looked so good. My best friend says she can see the difference in my face. Which begs the question, how bad did I look! You know I had a thought when I was going through the worst of the darkness, I would look at myself and say this illness is wrecking my good looks, its bringing my face down and it will never be good. I have never admitted that to anyone. At the time I thought “oh how vain are you?” and follow that thought up with something unpleasant in my thought process.

It’s a strange thing, one day I just felt better, and at first I was afraid it was the high before the fall, but it wasn’t. When I have certain thoughts they are followed up by colour or shapes, something descriptive. As I was contemplating this illness and how I was at that moment, I got an image of large hands, I was in the hands, I was the size of a tiny mouse, I was inclosed in a bubble, it was dark and had swirls of smoke in it. It looked grimy and dirty, it was the world of depression, the fear and uglyness of the disease swirling around me, and suddenly the bubble popped. I heard a distinct pop. Suddenly I was standing in a study, it had wood paneling, and large heavy wooden desk in the middle of the room. I was standing beside the desk, I felt like I had been swimming and swimming and was standing there unsteady and shell-shocked. There was a person standing at the desk – on the opposite side of where you would sit, bent over sifting through papers. The person didn’t look up continued to sift through the papers and quietly said ” hi there”, like it was a natural and everyday thing. I didn’t reply I simply just felt. I felt the warmth of the room, and the wash of homecoming. And then it was gone. I realized that I felt different, that a corner had been turned, a light switched on, I had passed something.

A few weeks later

Since I wrote the above paragraphs a few weeks ago I have not stopped thinking about that pop. I don’t understand all that it represents or may never will. I think God has put me through something increadibly hard, and now I am past the trama, I am feeling stronger. I still feel like I need to tread lightly, I am a new being and need to adjust. LIke coming home after a long trip and need to get used to being home. I woke up.

So what does it all mean? or does it mean anything? I am not the first person to go through depression and I will not be the last . Things to ponder..

till next time.

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