I don ‘t want to be here — I don’t want the ebb and flow of this illness take me over

I don’t want this feeling of pain….. I don’t want to be sad or risk the other things that happen when I fall

I am so damn tired of feeling up and down feeling ok and sad, feeling ok and slipping.

if this is boot camp, if this is testing, if this is God refining me, tonight I do not wish to be there

I am tired, does it finish? does it end?  God is my father, and I wish for healing, but he knows best.

So I am still in boot camp, am I being refined? I don’t want to be here any more.

The pain is too deep, the pain is too sharp.  What the hell am I to learn from this.

I know God is my father, I am his child.  God takes all and uses it to his good. And God’s timing is not mine.

I do not know how this tempers me—- for it feel nothing but pain.