Fear


its 2 am, Friday night, can’t sleep.

Thinking about fear.  ever hear of the phrase damn if you do damn if you don’t.  I feel that way.  I have some people who come to me and say — wow you did all that!   you know you should not take on so much.  To volunteer to do something isn’t hard.  Dealing with other things is hard.  Dealing with a project isn’t hard, dealing with a teenage daughter pms-ing is hard.  There are things I can cope with and things I can not.  I cant cope with emotional strain.  Projects, and working hard I can deal with.  People and emotions are harder.  I have a 50th anniversary to go to tomorrow, I have been dreading it all week.  I am afraid of my Aunt who doesn’t like me that much, I am afraid she …….I don’t know what she will do.  I am just  anxious about it.

I am afraid that my daughter’s anti God phase will not end, I am afraid that this illness will last forever. I am afraid my husband will leave me, I am afraid that my best friends will reject me who wants to hang with a emotional wreck,, I am afraid that my Mother will live for the next 10 years.  That one may seem weird, and sick, My Mother is 79 this year, and slowing down.  I have a blind brother and a brother that doesn’t talk to the family — my father is passed so I am the only capable child to look after her.  the next 10 years will be difficult, for one thing she is getting older and I get to witness the strongest woman I know slow down.  I have to look after her, and I am the one she leans on.  Sometimes I think my Dad got off easy.  Die at the age of 67 you are healthy to carry on, but if God calls you well you don’t put the family in a position to decide all your ending moments and which one of God’s waiting rooms to put you in.

I have been thinking of my brother that doesn’t talk to us.  Calvin a self centered guy, even as a child, turning his back on my family – he left us emotionally and physically when my son was 5.  He doesn’t know my daughter, He cares less about his own daughter, and has broken my heart.  Thinking about him tonight I see how he has effected me and I think about our lives as kids, and the hole he has created not only between me and him but between me and my cousins . It is a great heartache that doesn’t go away.  No amount of praying, pleading, wishing, and giving it to God takes away the pain of losing someone who isn’t dead. Death and its acceptance is easier than the death of a live person.   

Just feeling sad tonight.  Wondering if there is a God that cares.  My friend says Trust in God what else do you have……That is just it… tonight there is no trust.  I pray for people for years and there is no change.  Friends die that have been prayed for — and the answer is death?????  I pray for miracles and see despair.  This is what the devil wants me to believe.  In my head I know God is capable , but in my heart — the trust is not there…

till next time………..

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