Push it down


Its been a while since I have written.    In other sites I have written lots but maybe it is time to get back to this site.

 

The Depression.  It never leaves, it hangs on, even on the good days. Success in fighting the illness is a comparison of good days to the bad ones.  At this moment in time the good does out weigh the bad, but the bad are a reminder –  a little slap in the face that says “Yes I am still here and I have a darkness cloak I would like you to wear again” .

So my plan lately is to ignore the feeling, well I hid the feelings it is rare for me to have alone time. The kids have moved away and I hate it.  My son lives too far away  and my daughter lives close but seems far.  My husband is coping with my illness by not leaving me alone.  He grocery shops with me, we do everything together.  ( its not that bad) but I don’t get a chance to deal with the bubbling of emotions I have.  If I do get some alone time its late in the evening and probably at a time I should not be left alone.   Like I said most of the time I have been good, its just I have been pushing so much down.  Keeping it to myself is better than worrying people. My husband worries and to be honest – what can people do. I am not where I was, I have put my friends and family through hell – and they only know half the hell I really did go through.

I haven’t been involved in volunteering or bible studies cause I don’t think I can handle it.  If I were to be honest, in a study you learn about what God wants and look at your life and try to assimilate it.  I don’t want to learn.  I am at a stale mate in my mind that I don’t want to solve.  I do believe in God his love and forgiveness but I don’t trust him.   Ya those two statements don’t go together so I will explain.  When I was born my grandmother died 3 weeks before I came into this world.  When I was pregnant with my son, my husbands father died.  When my daughter was born my father died 4 months later.  I don’t like how God gives and takes, I am unable to process this I am unable to get past this train of thought.

I have wrestled with the “sins of the father” and our family curse for a long time now.  The past 2 generations  have been grandfatherless.  When I was having my children I thought ” Great my Dad is a strong healthy man he was going to make up for what I didn’t get”  When my father in law died my Dad was going to be the Grandfather of all Grandfathers, he told me he was going to make up for the loss of the other.  He was hit by a car, and a few short years later my whole extended family fell apart, and probably will never be put together.  So it gets stuffed down, a little farther down the well.

As I get older and fight new fights health wise. Is this my fate? Am I the next casualty of my family curse.  I believe but I don’t trust, is that even faith?  I have been thinking back to my darkest days with my depression the cutting, loathing, the week I spent trying to figure out a bible verse and had scribbled all over a piece of paper that I was sure held all the answers. But when I sat down with it – to discuss it I realize just how crazy I had become.  I should have been in the hospital.  This is not “why does God allow bad things to happen”  This goes beyond that. Bad things happen because people are broken and want to do bad things.  Or put themselves in a situation where bad happens.

This blog is about as far as I have gone in thinking about this.  Stale mate is where I sit right now, to move beyond that I am not sure how.

So I will push it down, deeper in the hole, where it stops, nobody knows.

till next time . . . . .

 

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