whine for a monday

Monday….well another week, I haven’t slept much in the last few days, but I managed 5 hours last night so better.  The dizzy spells are still there, the urge to cry is very much slightly below the surface, and on occasion I have to bit my lip to control it. Actually everything is just below the surface. My turmoil of thoughts are not what they were before at the worest of my depression,  they are just clutter. But the clutter acts like a fog, it takes a lot of concentration to read and work.

The waves of tears concern me the most. They come on like a stomach flu, you are fine fine fine, dry heave fine. I think it’s concerning cause they come on so strong…its not a cry, it’s a  hit in the  stomach sob.  My friend got a great job offer in another city- after the “hey wow that is great, “. pleasantries (and it is an amazing offer) I ran to the nearest bathroom and cried. I was wearing sun glasses Thank God, so when I came back out they could see my blood shot eyes.  Then I get mad…get into control lady! turmole of mind and negative thoughts. Your nuts, out of control how u going to function if everytime someone says something you lose it. Usual lines, fat, weak, fear, fog brain, turmoil.

I know how this reads, whine in over time. And ya it is for the mist part. But one day I am going to put this all into a book and I want to remember the fear, facts, and how the drugs effect me. This blog is my therapy – lay it out on the table, call it what it is- as thought of by a comprimized point of view.

This is how a depressed mind functions. It sees things not in a logical light. Some one could say “oh I know you don’t like….” whatever. and the depressed mind starts a rampage of “what the hell do you know about me. – or you say to your self see I am not acceptable to others, ( I put that in a kind way- reality it would be a list of swear, peppered with a list of negative and a side of anger and self harm, for being such discussing a person) turmoil of the mind.

Till next time…..


I was at a retreat in Niagara for the past 48 hours. I stayed in a 5 star hotel, spa, fantastic food, great speakers, around fellow office workers it was a great time together with friends and co workers.  I did have some fun.

I was miserable. I kept having wave and wave of tears flow over me. I would be fine, the next moment I was biteing the inside of my lip to keep from crying. My heart would pound I would shake, I feel like an addict going through withdrawal.

I feel like I am back at square one.  I have the thoughts of cutting myself, I have thoughts of starving myself.  the only thing is this time I know how.  I could be sitting having lunch with my office manager and the next thing I feel this wave of tears come over me and I could sob for who knows how long.   I bit my lip get that under control and then I am angry, I could rip the head off of the next person who crosses me.

This afternoon I had to walk out of a session because I was so close to losing it I couldn’t control myself.  I went to the washroom, called the anxiety clinic at Credit Valley Hospital– I go the answering machine……………seriously!

Here I am standing in a stall calling the clinic that was supposed to be there for me when I was in trouble and I get :”sorry we missed your call please leave a message and I will get back to you as so as I can”   needless to say I didn’t feel uplifted by this.  So I left a message had a good cry cleaned myself up and went back to work.

I didn’t sleep last night didn’t the night before maybe tonight


till next time………………..



Thursday am.   Feeling really down and agitated. Feel like everyone got stupid all of a sudden, everyone is asking dumb questions and I don’t understand them. My heart is racing again….even my heart can’t get things right. the dizzy spells continue, I haven’t lost any of the weight I put on a half a year ago despite my work outs 5 times a week and strict eating timed specifically around the work outs, I can not eat any more cleanly or specifically .  This dam body and mind hate me and will not function logically. Or correctly. Joy and happiness is a fools goal, they are but fleeting ideas of nonsense. Reality there is just pain, suffering, and a random idea  of hope.


Update…. I got up this morning to the singing birds, I lay in bed and listened to them begin their praises to God at 5:45 am.  The alarm goes off and I start the usual morning routine.  Shower, makeup, get dressed do hair, coffee.  I sat on the edge of my bed and I can see east to the beautiful rising sun, complete with reds and yellows and more birds singing, I was happy it was peaceful.  Then it came, a tidal wave swamped me, left me drenched and shaking.  I had a wave of sadness drop on me.  I sat there sobbing.  It passed but left me shaken up for the day.

It was also a realization just how much the pills push down.  On the other side of the pills – when I was taking them, I felt the push down, I felt the  lack of emotion when I should have felt something.  I could feel no feeling.  I played in a youth band and before the pills I had a hard time singing some of the songs because the emotion of the song would choke me up.  When I started on the pills I could feel them pushed down. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I liked that, its hard to express emotion in a song or to your loved ones when the emotion and feelings are squished to the depths of your boots.

I realized that I have to relearn how to hold, express and control these emotions, its easy to function when they are being held down.  I think I am ready for this step….I am still taking one anti depressant so I am covered, but its like taking off a cast and learning to walk again.  When you spend the time learning to walk again, you risk injuring yourself again as the leg gets slowly stronger.  It is that concern I have for me at this point as I relearn how to handle the emotions, and hope not to risk injuring myself again.

till next time……………..


Monday… not all Mondays are bad.   They are the day that the Lord has made. I should rejoice and be glad in it. Some Mondays are harder than others to rejoice in that kind of furfor, however it is a beautiful sunny and warm day so it’s not all bad.

I stopped taking my Cyberlax  anti-depressant.  Its kinda like getting rid of a annoying friend. This friend doesn’t leave with a quiet exit. It slams the door stomps off and yells all the way down the hall, comes back and yells through the door some more. There are side effects of course. The shaky hands and twitching are back and the racing heart and tremors too. Today I have been fighting anxiety I think I have it under control but it is going to take a bit. I had a dizzy spell at work this morning and I’m thinking is this worth it. I mean really – I have been feeling better and my energy is up and the vitamins I am taking are making a huge difference, but getting off of this drug is so hard I am afraid once I am off what if the depression comes back, going back on it may kill me.   Too far ahead to think bout that. But for now, the side effects make me feel like I am bouncing around in a washing machine, battered and brused.

As for my daughter we have come to a truce for now. So she is behaving better and I am relaxing a bit. My husband is running interference so that helps. She had been working a lot so that have made a difference.

I have been spending a lot of time at home alone it’s  been nice to relax and just be. The turmoil in my mind lately has enjoyed the quiet.

I know I am through the worst of the depression and this is just another stage….but the stages of an illness can wear on you.

So what do I do…I plug away try to get some quiet time to sooth my mine and bite my tongue through the shakes and tremors and pray, pray that God protect me from the darkness, cause I hear it calling for me to hide in its shadows but I know that there is no peace there –only in God’s arms will I find it. I think I need to be over the top OCD about my sleeping, what I am eating or drinking. If I am tired I can slip into the darkness, eating healthy will also keep my body strong. Weakness is a foot hold for darkness. I sound like I am going into battle- but it is. As I allow the medication to seep out of my system, and adjust my chemicals to fend off naturally , imbalances –it will be a battle.

Till next time………..

still standing

Saturday…. its been a ok day. feeling a little better, the depth of the sadness has lifted.   I have been able to stop the confusion and the loudness in my head.

I am deeply troubled by my daughter’s actions. I don’t want to go into it but what do u do when your children completely ignore the teachings u give them and throw it all away? I keep coming back to the phrase ‘sins of the Father.’ I see her doing the things I did. and don’t want her to do.    The other thing I can’t stop thinking about is my depression, how my absence cause I was totally distracted by my inner darkness has left my girl alone and ignored when she needed a mother. I remember reading something she wrote stating that she thought I hated her. I can not tell u how deep that cuts. My inner turmoil gave her the impression that I hated her – when truth was, I hated myself.

I was also thinking about my childhood. My mother started to work and Dad started to travel when I was 15. I think they figured I was ok, but had they been more involved in my life I wouldn’t had made some of the mistakes I did then. Don’t get me wrong I knew my Mom and Dad loved me. I never talked to them told them my fears, hopes, dreams. I was expected to get a job get married and have babies.  I didn’t do that – I wanted an education, which I was denied, farm girls didn’t go to college. It was just a sign of the times. I did go to college- on my own dine.

So I was the ignored child..a Hazard of being the youngest child. I can’t stop thinking that I stayed home and looked after my babies and then I went to work when my oldest was entering grade 9, my girl was only in grade 6. It was the right moment to get a job with the school board, but not the right time for her.

So the sins of the father.

So u can probably tell – I am feeling extremely guilty and hurt and shocked.   I look at this almost 18 year old girl and think….who are you? I have to remember she is my lovely little girl.   The mistakes she makes are hers. And there is nothing I can do about that- I can yell, freak, and impress upon her what I believe is right. But in the end God gave us free will and she will do what she thinks.

In the mean time. I need to love her – impress upon her the rules that she needs to follow in our home and pray for her, and trust God will look after her.

That is the rub though…..we struggle with letting go and watching them make their own decisions and for good and bad they do what they do. How patient and frustrating must God be with this human race. When Eve distrusted God, believed the serpant that God would surly not kill them, and to eat from the forbidden tree, and they did, God could have destroyed them. But he endured the loss of his children and prepared a solution for them and loved them. So I follow God’s example, love, pray, and continue to show them the path and hope my children see and follow.

Till next time…..


I am in a grrrr mood.  I am particularly agitated.  I can’t seem to get any peace.  You know when you have a cold and your head is full of cold stuff and you can’t get relief, I am kinda in the same situation except my head is full of voices, swirls and clutter.  The outside is crowding in on the inside, and I am in need of some quiet. 

Last night was Ash Wednesday service, it was awful, I have been haggling over some issues with my daughter, myself, and I haven’t had a chance to sit and think and be still in front of the Lord.  So what happens – my husband makes us late, he is bugging me in the service to ‘cheer up’ and I wanted to sit behind and pray and that didn’t happen either.  It’s a whine and I should be grateful for people around me but everything is so loud and I can’t stand it.

Next week, is March break.  My son will be home, and daughter is grounded so she will be home, and my husband at work.  Surely I can get some peace and quiet sometime.  I need to be alone.

till next time