I have been feeling good, really good, and in some ways I still do, but I tripped and fell down.  I have more energy, when I workout, and I do boot camp type workouts, I am finding I am feeling more powerful when I do them. That makes me feel more with it, – I want to say more in control, but maybe to say I feel more capable is a better way to put it.  I have learned that there is no such thing as control.  The only thing in control is that God has me in his hand, he is in control, I am ‘words with out wisdom’ (Job 38 old testament).  I have been sleeping better, till this week and that helps me think clearly, which again makes me feel I am capable of so much more.  I have even been thinking about my involvement in church and may join the prayer group again.  I have dropped out of everything. So to be thinking about something make me feel happy. 

However:  you knew that was coming – however I fell down on Sunday, it was creeping up on my on friday and into Sat and the darkness showed its ugly head on Sunday.   I have been feeling down and as the sadness crept in, and as I was fighting all the negative voices,  then I made a discovery of stuff my daughter is up to.  A 17 year old.  Discovered she has been smoking, and smoking dope, has been having panic attacks, and has done some self harm.  Sounds like I am describing myself, minus the dope,  the self harm stuff if from about a year ago, the dope stuff has been going on for about a year, off and on.  How could I have missed it? Well I didn’t totally,  I have had my suspicions  all along.  I knew she was having difficulty in a depression way and I have been supporting her the best I could, I didn’t know the reasons why,  I though it was typical 16-year-old hormones.  some days she would be fine and be fine for weeks then have a patch where she was sad, then she would be fine again.  I should have known better that there is an ebb and flow of depression, and mid teen girls suffer more often than older girls.  She is at the beginning of the hormone changes as she is becoming a women, I am at the tail end of hormone changes –I should have seen more.  We are supporting her now, we have doctor apts set and other support for her a long the way, but truly, I have for the past four years been focused on me.  The first year or so I didn’t say anything to the kids about my depression and she thought I hated her.  When I told her I was having difficulties and it was taking all my energy to function it was unrelated to her and she understood she felt betterour relationship got way better- there was some dope smoking then, and we did all the parent stuff to stop it, and she was doing really well – till now.  As for her- she has applied to several schools for post secondary positions.  She wants to be in film production, which she has a passion for so I am so happy to have her find something she loves, but to get into these schools it has required a portfolio and essays and lots of stuff to do, so she has had lots of stuff and stress.  Sounds like I am making excuses for he, and maybe I am — but through her most influential years,  I was trapped in a darkness that I couldn’t cope with me…let alone help her.  She is an ignored girl, and now I feel I am making up time for it.

That is probably an unfair judgement on myself, but I wonder if it could be different had I been with it.

In the mean time as we deal with this, I am also dealing with this sadness.  I cried Sunday night and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Since I have lowered my meds that seems to come more easterly. Not sure if it is a good thing.  I have been distant and heartbroken.  I have the trembles again and feel the heaviness of the darkness .  My husband has been a little freaked out.  I think he relaxed when I was feeling better over the past months and is worried again. 

As Gilda Radnor said “there is always something ” but why all at once, cause today I feel like I am drowning.

till next time…………………..