Its been a tough week- work has been easy, living has been tough. Just coming out of the pit. I still feel numb- alot of that is the drugs. I have been very sad all week and today being friday I just could not do work – smiling and doing just couldn’t be done. I hardly slept last night. I managed maybe an hour or two, it is my hope to make up for it today. I also just wanted to be alone. Not to wallow, but pray, sleep, be. Is that bad? My husband hesitantly left me home. I am not sure what he thought I was up to. I spent this wonderful day off work, house to myself — sleeping, and sleeping and sleeping. Feeling much more like me than not. A good thing. My husband and I spent a great deal of time talking tonight. It has been the worst I have been for being depressed. Mon and Tues this week I sat on the couch in a ball for hours. Not moving, not careing, not feeling. I have not been that way before. I took to many anxiety pills over the week thinking they would make me feel like me again. They did not. I was so singulary motivated this week. That has what has surprised me the most. I did not think of others. I sat numb and stared off into space while the storm went on in my head. I did not think about my kids husband or friends. I was just thinking of the pain I felt and the storm in my mind. It was the strangest thing. I always felt that people who attemped to take their lives or hurt themselves must think of the impact on others – I didn’t have those types of thoughts to those degrees, but I understand how they did not think of it cause it does not come to them. Your world becomes a world of self. Pain, voices, emotions, storms, numbness, void of others and right thinking. I understand it now. Before I thought that there was a desperation of things one felt to go down those aweful roads and for some of them maybe it was but what I saw this time was not desperation, just a open, narrow, blinders on, road to pass down. Dear Lord how aweful.
My God where was he in this. Well for as down as I was, and my husband says its the lowest he has really seen me at. I felt no evil. I felt no darkness, I felt no leading, I felt no one pulling at my pant legs trying to be suductive. I felt numbness, and a pit but not a dark pit but a deep pit. I felt paralized by it. I felt deep sadness and pain but not any darkness. What did God show me in this- how dear my friends are, how he protected me from darkness and how he helped lift me up. I have never felt down and no evil or darkness or something trying to overtake me. This time it was just down deep depression. Which proves I need to continue on my drugs. Trust my husband more and tell him when I take the anxiety drugs and trust God again cause in the darkest of times he covers me over with his wing and protects me while I dip through this latest imbalance of hormones or chemicals — Praise be to God
Hang in there.