Taking a Day

Its been a tough week- work has been easy, living has been tough.  Just coming out of the pit.  I still feel numb- alot of that is the drugs.  I have been very sad all week and today being friday I just could not do work – smiling and doing just couldn’t be done.  I hardly slept last night.  I managed maybe an hour or two, it is my hope to make up for it today. I also just wanted to be alone.  Not to wallow, but pray,  sleep, be. Is that bad?  My husband hesitantly left me home. I am not sure what he thought I was up to.  I spent this wonderful day off work,  house to myself — sleeping, and  sleeping and sleeping. Feeling much more like me than not.  A good thing.  My husband and I spent a great deal of time talking tonight.  It has been the worst I have been for being depressed.  Mon and Tues this week I sat on the couch in a ball for hours.  Not moving, not careing, not feeling.  I have not been that way before.  I took to many anxiety pills over the week thinking they would make me feel like me again. They did not.  I was so singulary motivated this week.  That has what has surprised me the most.  I did not think of others.  I sat numb and stared off into space while the storm went on in my head. I did not think about my kids husband or friends. I was just thinking of the pain I felt and the storm in my mind.  It was the strangest thing.  I always felt that people who attemped to take their lives or hurt themselves must think of the impact on others – I didn’t have those types of thoughts to those degrees, but I understand how they did not think of it cause it does not come to them.  Your world becomes a world of self.  Pain, voices, emotions, storms, numbness, void of others and right thinking.  I understand it now.  Before I thought that there was a desperation of things one felt to go down those aweful roads and for some of them maybe it was but what I saw this time was not desperation, just a open, narrow, blinders on, road to pass down.  Dear Lord how aweful.

My God where was he in this.  Well for as down as I was, and my husband says its the lowest he has really seen me at.  I felt no evil.  I felt no darkness, I felt no leading, I felt no one pulling at my pant legs trying to be suductive.  I felt numbness, and a pit but not a dark pit but a deep pit.  I felt paralized by it.  I felt deep sadness and pain but not any darkness.  What did God show me in this- how dear my friends are, how he protected me from darkness and how he helped lift me up.  I have never felt down and no evil or darkness or something trying to overtake me.  This time it was just down deep depression.  Which proves I need to continue on my drugs.  Trust my husband more and tell him when I take the anxiety drugs and trust God again cause in the darkest of times he covers me over with his wing and protects me while I dip through this latest imbalance of hormones or chemicals — Praise be to God


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