From the pits I write this blog. I am still taking my anxiety pills, husband returned them to me this morning. It is a deep hole one I haven’t seen for a while but it is familure like a old ratty jacket. I am numb. I don’t think I have ever felt this numb. I could stare out the window for hours while the storm plays in my brain. The storm is new this time- it is evoking thoughts I have never experienced before. It is frightening but not at the same time. I should do something I have no idea what to do. I am like a zombie, neither thinking or feeling.
I know in my broken heart God is close, I know that God will never forsake me nor leave my side. I know through Jesus God only sees his perfect child. But the thoughts are still there and I have prayed against them and they are still there. I am feeling totally messed up don’t know what to do or turn.
My friend begged me to read my bible and I did – previously I was curled up on the couch in a ball, unable to move. I had to ask my son to take the bus home from work cause I couldn’t drive. I stayed there for hours till my husband came home from work – Those were the most destructive thoughts I have had before. Shocking but not really it seemed ok to think them– but thought and action are two different things. I did not act- I took more than I should have of my anxiety meds but they did not take away the anxiousness. I was close to a break down again. I think if things would have progressed a little worse my husband would have taken me to the hospital, as a matter of fact I am sure he considered it. I only slept a few hours and got up and went to work. I am a no mind today- at least I don’t have anything difficult to do that takes brain power. I may not work tomorrow. I feel sad today, tired, and irritable.
A rough night but God was there – friends were praying, my soul was groaning and I survived last night. I don’t know what God was revealing to me in this. I felt there is something I was suppose to grasp from it, but I just haven’t got it yet.
Oh Lord my Father and God please open my eyes and heart to reveal what it is that I need to learn from these experiences. I humble myself to you and ask for your forgiveness for allowing the darkness to talk to me and I ask that you protect me from the evil one always in your Holy name Dear God – Amen