I am coming to the tail end of a episode, that started Thursday.  I got up Thursday seemed fine, but as the day progressed the more I was falling down.  My heart started to race on and off all day, I could not stop the negative voices in my head.  In the evening my husband went out to meet a friend from work, and the kids were busy.  So I secluded myself to the back yard till late in the night.  My son would wander in and out, to say hi, talk a little. I would suck it up and smile talk with him, laugh.  My daughter had friends over, didn’t see her.  My husband came home we talked a little he knew I was in a bad place at one look, but I don’t think he knew how bad.  I did try to help myself.  I called my psyc doctor’s office earlier in the day, to see what was happening with my recommendation for therapy at the hospital. They referred me to  the Anxiety clinic – I call the clinic, they had never heard of me.  They checked their records called me back and told me I was not on record, go back to my psyc doctor or my family doctor.  * sigh * So I called the family doctor’s secretary, she said referral must come from the psyc doctor.  Called psyc doctor’s office, twice once late afternoon second time around 9:30 at night, left a message they didn’t call back .  By the time I had called the second time I was in a state.  Racing heart, loud voices, my husband wanting to talk, I couldn’t. I was so embarrassed by how far gone I was, I wasn’t drunk- the negativity was strong and my actions so wrong, the tremors weren’t stopping.  I didn’t want to talk, I was afraid.  My husband is the love of my life.  Not because he is perfect, he is far from that.  Not because he always does the right thing, or says the right thing, he and I have been married 21 years been through so much.  We survived the deaths of our Fathers, raised our kids, have faith together I respect and love him so much.  I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him what I was doing and where I was.  It was late when I got to bed I don’t know the time but everyone else had long been there, and I didn’t sleep much.

The doctor’s office called 9ish the next morning.  I missed the call.  Now you know I was upset and I was walking around with my phone waiting for the call.  My son calls me – the van is in the garage, he called to say its ok and he will pick it up tonight. The phone beeps – call waiting- missed the call they left a message– darn Murphy’s law.  My psyc doctor will not be in till Monday – they will ask her where, and who I should be going to see and call me back then. * Stunned *  I should have talked to my husband and had him take me somewhere last night.  The waiting lists for therapy are long, I was told 4 months to get in, I saw the doctor in February, now end of the list.  I probably would get help faster if I checked myself into the hospital.

I woke from what sleep I did have, still tremors, heart racing, slowing down, racing again. I am exhausted and shaky.  I feel like I have been through a war and back. I have coffee with my husband he goes to work, kids leave for work.  I am alone.  I go downstairs find the couch, surf the net, and have a nap.  One pm comes along I manage to get off the couch do a light work out, eat something, back on the couch – another sleep.  wake up 3pm surf the net hang out on my couch till everyone comes home again.  Its Friday night – Costco night (so stupid I know, but its like a hour date night for us :S  ) We walk around pick up what we need. I am glued to him, I am in a panic, people look at me, I am squeezing his arm, he is saying ouch.   I don’t want people to look at me, what the hell do they want!  My husband knows I am upset holds my hand, he figures its good to get me off my couch-island and out of the house if only for an hour.  Then we are home.  whew! cook supper yada yada. now back on the patio in back yard.  It actually feels comfortable.  Alone with my computer.

Where I am going?  I don’t know, is this episode over?  can’t answer. Do I believe God has my back? Yes I believe he does.  Do I believe he loves me? Yes. I am pulling on his forgiveness, for my sins to me.  The Holy Spirit is protecting my soul.

The next day….. I managed to sleep last night. Sitting having my morning coffee on the patio feeling better.  I feel like a cloud has been pulled from my eyes and I can see clearer now.  Heart not racing, feeling like I have some energy today, better.  I am not about to race up any mountains or feel like I can take on the world, but the physical side of depression has diminished some what so I will breath in some fresh air and try to make the most of the day. My husband wants to do a little shopping and I think I can do it today.  We will try.

I don’t think people realize how physical depression can be.  It not only depletes your energy, but if effects your whole body; headaches. tremors, or shakes, racing heart, feeling cold, feeling hot, inability to eat. I opened the fridge thinking food would help me, I couldn’t eat I felt nauseous just looking at it. Depression is not just about fighting demons with in its a inward outward attack.

Its late afternoon still feeling better – really tired now. Managed the shopping no panic’s anxiety, but it wore me out. heading for a nap on my couch island.

till next time…………………….

This is the


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