Tuesday after a busy long weekend. It was a fun filled weekend lots of time with friends, neighbours, family. The weather held out and it was hot and beautiful. I am officially off work for the next two months, my secretary job ends for the summer and this will be my 6th summer off. Where does the time go. I have a few little projects to do this summer, but I think the most of the job this summer will be me. That sounds terribly selfish, however, I have to get myself into shape. Physically and mentally. I am calling back to my psychiatrist today, I haven’t been good. Its hard to explain the emotions the whirlwind that has been going through my mind. The insomnia I have from time to time creates a vacuum of many things I can’t describe. It sucks me into the negative voices in my head, it sucks me into patterns of behaviour that I can’t explain or fathom or stop. It sets me up for the embarrassing results of the loathing I feel of myself. The past week has been a huge set of responsibilities that I had to accomplish – expertly. That sounds like I am putting excess pressure on myself , and in some ways I do, but when you are battling a mental illness you have to brace yourself and work 3 times as hard to make sure you are doing all that needs to be done. For example, I was putting together Commencement at the school I work at, my memory sucks these days So I checked and double checked the lists, the preparations, the lists of Ontario Scholars, and Honours, the lists change almost daily as students get in their final marks and we get the information from the Ministry and their volunteer hours that they hand in at the last minute. so its a huge deal to keep 280 kids together as to what they are doing. Combined with shutting the school down and information its was extremely hard to keep it all straight. Its done, and all correctly but it took tremendous energy and with only 3 hours of sleep a night, no wonder I was not in a good frame of mind. Its all a struggle that I am failing at. I see my only course of action at this point is to go back to the psychiatrist- if I can get an apt. and figure out what to do. More drugs is not the answer but there are other therapies that need to be investigated. Otherwise I don’t want to think of the alternates, and the things I do that effect my family and my marriage, and may rip apart my friendships. Who wants to hang around a crazy person ? The ups and the downs, as a friend you never know what to expect and what you are going to get. The stress on the kids it hard on them, my husband who is wonderful and love him so much – but how long do you put that to the test.
Considerations and options I am looking for, a way of life is what I am needing, not knowing which way to do that is the direction I must find.
till next time………………………………..