Last evening I watched the you tube video of the BC Girl who had killed herself last week. I watched as she poured her heart over my computer and showed the cutting, the heartbreak, and loneliness she felt. I see the unlit eyes in my school, I see the unlit eyes in my mirror. I feel the brokenheartedness of it all. How do people get that way? The question I hear asked. The murmer around. “Well her family didn’t do enough, her friends abanded her. There were places to go, there were people to see, and things she could have done.” Her unbalanced chemicals made her unable to rationalize. Her family reached out. But even then she didn’t want to burden them anymore than she had. How does one say that? I would die if my child died at his or her own hands: But the tunnel, the dark veil that covers the eyes prevents the truth from coming through. What is the truth? The truth to that girl, was how much she hated herself. “Others hate her she must have been horrible, how could she love herself, what a mess” That is a glimpse of the voices that goes on in one’s head. ” I hate myself, I am a mess, there is no white knight to save me, I am not worth saving.” The pity in the families eyes as they try to deal and cope with their girl who couldn’t deal or cope. The voice that says “you know why fight? it takes so much strength— just lie down and the fight is over, just stop the heart and the pain will stop—- is that not where the emotional pain is? in the heart? Stop it and it all stops the tears, the pain,the fight, the shame, everything. Full Stop! ”
This may seem cruel, insensitive. It is anything but that in my mind. It is a chemically unbalanced mind. It is the truth of what goes through a chemically unbalanced mind it is neither wrong or right inside a mind like this, it just is.
At the end of the day I sit here empty, cause my mind is unbalanced today. I neither cry or mourn. I understand the brain of a girl who was too young to know, to alone to move forward, and a soul with out a saviour. Jesus said in the face of his murderers, “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” Lord I pray the same prayer for this girl– and sometimes for me